(Closed) I want to experience new things, but I don't want to hurt my SO

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
13948 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to look back and resent that I never got to have those experiences. I already feel kind of irritated at SO because I’m not his first (or even his second) so I feel like he got to get that out of his system but I can’t. And I feel like a terrible person for even being curious, but isn’t it kind of natural? I just feel so stuck right now.”

My take comes from having a variety of life experiences and relationships, as well as having the perspective of being a little older than most Bees. I don’t know how old you are or whether you two live together, but if you are having thoughts like this, maybe it really is time to take a break. Reading your words, are you really so 100% sure it’s only about the physical only?  In your place, and I think for many women, it would be just as much or more about wondering whether I had missed  out on the opportunity to try on different relationships as an adult person, in order to learn more about others and myself. In SO’s place, I would be nervous that if you feel this way now, already, what foundation will you have to get through the really challenging times?  In fact, if I were SO, and you had presented me with this, I’d break up with you until you’d figured it all out. 

There are people who are OK with dating one person  and they never look back, but in all honesty you don’t sound to me to be one of them.  Which is OK!   My best advice, in all fairness to both of you, would be to   consider  taking an official break from the relationship.  If it’s meant to be, it wiil, and if it’s not, you’ll be glad you had the time apart.  

Post # 33
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t know about you, but I’m super happy I only have one guy in my life. I’ve had friends WISHing they only had sex with one guy in their life. I think having only one sex partner is rare and you should treasure it.

Post # 34
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly I wish that DH was my only so I guess it’s a case of grass is greener. I honestly think you will feel skeevy afterwards.

Post # 35
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

I’m not sure if this was mentioned, but would you be open to your SO being with someone else? I know I would NOT be ok with my Fiance being with someone else. That wuld break my heart.
After I put myself in his shoes, I don’t think I could ever consider it.

Post # 36
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnonymousBuzzer:  I felt that way with my ex – I didn’t want him to be my first and only. It was actually a sign that even when things were great between us and he seemed like he’d be a great husband, I didn’t want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.

I did eventually leave him (for other reasons). I regret not leaving sooner. It really wasn’t sex with new people that I was wanting, I just wasn’t completely happy and felt like I had to find out whether there was a more compatible partner out there for me. And I found out I was right and there is – I’ll be marrying him this year. 🙂

Post # 37
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AnonymousBuzzer:  Well I understand why you are feeling this way, but unfortunately I see this as a case of having your cake and eating it to. Your SO is 200% justified in not being able to deal with you sleeping with another man. So you need to decide what’s more important…hooking up with a couple random just to say you did, or spending the rerst of your life in a wondeful, monogamous marriage with the man you love. You can’t have both.

Post # 38
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

What is it about sleeping with another person that you find so appealing?  Do you expect that it will be really different?  I think you may be surprised how similar it is.

If your SO is willing to be adventurous with you and fulfill any sexual fantasies you may have, then I especially don’t understand the appeal of wanting to sleep with someone else.  I think you need a reality check, and you need to be grateful for what you have.  A lot of other people will never experience the type of love and committment that this man is giving you.  Experience new things with your SO, not without him.

Post # 39
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t do it. As PPs have said, casual sex and one night stands will only leave you disappointed (I can 100% guarantee it), and you will certainly regret losing your SO over it.

Post # 40
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AnonymousBuzzer:  I think it is perfectly natural to wonder if its different with other people and to feel like you missed that. As someone who did have other partners- yes, different people act and physically feel different. But I don’t think confirming and experiencing that is really worth it if you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It won’t feel fun or exciting. It will feel guilty and wrong. And then you will feel bad when you are with your partner. To me, totally not worth it. 

Post # 41
8 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s okay to feel this way and totally understandable.  But I think if you did try it out just once, you will likely regret it and wish you never did it.  It wont be as good, since you love your SO so much, it will never match up.  I’m sure it will also hurt him much more inside.  I advise against a one night stand.  You will feel worse than you do now, and you can never reverse it or take it back.. it may hinder your loving relationship.  It’s not worth it IMO. 


Post # 42
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@weddingmaven:  +100.

OP, I guess I’m going against the grain here and say if you think you will resent what you missed in life, you probably will resent it. Dating (and sleeping with) other people isn’t about how much better it is, it’s about experiencing a fuller life, if that’s what it means to you. I guess I’m just one of those people who do not regret at all the other relationships and experiences that I have. I would not wish them away for anything. If you have these feelings now, you should give yourself some time to figure out if you can really live happily knowing you will not have been with anyone else. I think so much of love and relationship is about timing–sometimes the perfect person isn’t perfect because it’s the wrong time. And in general, we regret more the things we didn’t do than the things we did.

Post # 43
19 posts

@AnonymousBuzzer:  OP, just out of curiousity, how old are you? 

Sex with someone you love (and who loves you back, and knows your body) is a million times better than sex with a hot stranger you met in a bar. There is just no comparison. You are not missing out on anything, other than bad decisions, regret, and feeling dirty.

I’ve been with my Fiance almost 9 years, but we both were intimate with other people prior to meeting eachother. Let me tell you – I honestly wish he was the ONLY man I had ever been with. There is nothing better than being with the one you love. 

If you really have the urge to try something new, just have a threesome with another girl. Trust me, it will be an amazing and fun experience that both of you can enjoy. And you won’t have to live with the dirty feeling you would if you slept with another guy.

Also, I urge you to be very careful when bringing this topic up to your SO. I can’t imagine how painful it is for him to hear that you want to be with other guys just for the experience. 

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