Post # 17
Tee hee… I lucked out with my young guy! He’s more mature than many guys out there regardless of age. 🙂
Anyway, I’m glad you guys had a good conversation… hopefully things will be tolerable through the wedding, and then you can moooove on!
Post # 18
You poor thing. A wise friend recently gave me some good advice when I was experiencing frustration over a selfish sister, she said "you don’t need to explain yourself." This is your day. You need to surround yourself with people who love you and want nothing but your happiness. This girlfriend you describe is not doing that and she knows it. Let her go. Pay her back for the dress and don’t think of it again. You don’t need to explain yourself. It is your day, the one day people are celebrating you, your life, and your new love. If she were your friend none of this would be happening. If she gets upset and chooses not to come to the wedding over this that may be a good thing, as you don’t need the stress of worrying about her hurt feelings on your day. As the other bridesmaids go, if they are your dearest friends they probably feel the same way as you and will support you. Good luck!
Post # 19
I can relate to your situation and you have my sympathy. I think she’s jealous that you’re moving onto to greater things in life. She probably wants to get married or settle into a serious relationship, but her prospects doesn’t look good. If you asked her to step down it could end the friendship. Maybe at this point, it might not seem like a bad thing, but I think you will regret it. One day, she might realize how terrible she was to you and will be grateful that you didn’t dismiss her, but that’s just wishful thinking. Anyways, I think you should focus on the positive things and I’m sure there are alot of people who are very happy for you. My fiance is an older man too and I think he’s great. I don’t mean to brag, but he’s much more established in life, he’s certain of himself, and he’s interesting to talk to because he’s experienced more in life. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. You’re wedding will be great!
Post # 20
Thanks everyone. I feel soooo supported. I really love this board and all the wonderful people posting everywhere. It’s so nice to have people empathize with me and give great perspective. I’m going to sleep on it…
Post # 21
Time to say "buh-bye" to her. I voted that she could still have the option to come to the wedding, but I wouldn’t keep her as a bridesmaid.
You want the people standing up there to support you & love you. Regardless if she’s jealous or not, she should atleast respect you & your Fiance… and she clearly does not! Do you really want her to bring you down on your wedding day w/ b*tchy comments about your hair, the food, how "old" your Fiance will look in the photos, the lack of this that or another?! I couldn’t hack it!!
And btw your friend is insane to make cracks at your older man– she obviously doesn’t know what she’s missing! Old guys rock! lol My Fiance is 12 years older than I am, but you’d never know it. Age truly means nothing. It’s about your connection, your love & your goals…
Whatever you choose (ahem toss her!), I really feel for you… This is a terribly awkward position to be in.
Post # 22
If you really think she won’t be able to bite her tongue with the snarky/bitchy comments on your wedding day then toss her. You don’t need that kind of childish nonsense. It is just going to upset you, and with all the work you’ve put in to make the day special, you shouldn’t allow one person to single-handedly ruin it for you. It’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life! I voted to let her just come as a guest. She’s not being a friend to you and doesn’t deserve a place of honor in the wedding. Period.
Post # 23
She definitely sounds like one of those people who is very unhappy and judgmental. Frankly, if she is causing you all kinds of heartache about it and making your wedding planning experience so completley intolerable, then I would say buy her out and ask her to simply be a guest. She’s not worth your time and energy to continue to focus on problems and drama that she is creating.
Post # 24
Lisalulu: I was just wondering what your final stance was on this after sleeping on it? Such a tough situation, I’m not sure what I would do in your place. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I’m waiting to decide who I want to be in my bridal party – I want to make sure I won’t have this type of situation, or at least do my best to prevent it by taking the time to think about who I really want standing up with me. Who knows, maybe I’ll go the route of other brides and have none!
I can see both sides of the debate here, but ultimately, you’ll have to be comfortable with your decision. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!
Post # 25
Wow, I can’t believe so many of us have made this mistake. Myself included. My Maid/Matron of Honor had been my best friend since second grade, so when I got engaged it was a no brainer. I called her first, asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, done. Ever since then, it’s been nothing but snarky comments. I think she forgets it’s my wedding and not hers because she keeps trying to tell me what to do and puts down my ideas. My Fiance is pissed at her, my mom and his mom are pissed at her, no one likes her, she isn’t friends with my other BMs, makes no effort to communicate with them, and I almost feel bad asking people to endure her now. She is just some one I don’t relate to anymore. Our lives have gone different directions.
It sounds like that is the case with your friend. Maybe we only notice it after the fact because the wedding is a pretty sensitive time. I don’t know. While I understand what you’re feeling, I think you really have to think through the consequences of firing her. Make sure you are really willing to completely lose the friendship, because that is what will happen. Also, is your Maid/Matron of Honor sort-of the odd one out in your circle of friends and family (like mine) or does she have strong connections to others in your circle? If these people are close to her and will be at the wedding, you may end up causing yourself more drama by firing her and more hurt feelings all around. I also think if you are firing her, you probably don’t want to invite her to your wedding … That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me, and totally uncomfortable for lots of people, especially you.
After you’ve weighed all those pros and cons and decided it’s worth losing the friendship and the possible backlash from other friends, I think it’s totally fine to fire her. I would just call her and explain that the recent spats you two have had really hurt and made you realize how far apart you have grown. Tell her you’re sorry, but you don’t want her to be in your wedding. Definitely offer to buy the dress from her. That’s only fair. You can sell it on Ebay or Craigslist and get back some money. Good luck! I hope everything works out!
Post # 26
I think instead of writting all this in your blog comfront her on your guys issues. Be the better man!! I had this exact thing happen to me. But inmy case i commented on her tatoo and said i didnt want it showing. Age is stupid to get all upset about. PLease just give eachother the beniit of the doubt and talk it out. Its ok to get crap off your mind but when she comes across this blog she might be more hurt then ever that you couldnt confide in with her. Just think she is your bridemaid for a reason, and maybe you need to consider that before any rash words are spoken. Just a thought. i was that person looking at the blog with all hurtfull gestures, when infact i am so kind i get pushed around and i just question is she wrong or am i wrong. We both were and it was because i wasnt being a true friend listening to her needs, as well as speaking in a harsh tone. Any who good luck.
Post # 27
Well, for now, I am doing nothing. I studied Alexander technique for awhile and my teacher was always trying to teach me "the fine art of non-doing." It is taking all of my yoga resolve.
My bridesmaid is really just a mean-spirited person truly. But she comes in handy when it’s time to tell the ex-boyfriend that I am engaged to someone else. Her sacharrine sweet fakeness was probably just perfect as he heard the news and his jaw dropped. And, she can be a wonderful defender to outsiders. The problem is when that angst get turned on me and I just wasn’t expecting it.
So for now, I have decided to do nothing and if she does anything more, I am going to ask her to step down from her post. But I am purposely not going to see her or call her. The less I do, the less chance she has to piss me off.
She’s not friends with my other bridesmaids, but we do have a few friends in common and I would have to be willing to let them go as well because she is better friends with them. It would be like a divorce.
Thank you all for your help. Everyone is right actually. This decision is like a flip of the coin. It could go either way.
But if she does one more thing, she’s out. I really can’t take the chance of a super critical bitchy person in my space on my wedding day.
Post # 28
It’s YOUR day… have who YOU want and love with you to celebrate such a wonderful event!
Seriously.. who cares about etiquette if you dont like the person or you dont want the person near you dont have them as your bridemaid.. a bridemaid is suppose to be someone who is close to you not someone who makes snarky remarks.
I had a friend just like her, as soon as me and my partner got together the green monster apaired (along with abuse with drugs which didn’t help) and she just turned weird being all "yay your BFF i love you" to "omg you such a bad friend i hate you" to "omg i’m so sorry i’m such a bad friend" back to being BFF! it was crazy.. and i’m soooo glad that that all happened before i got engaged other wise i would be stuck in the same situation… but i think you just need to listen to your heart.
Remember un-inviting her to the wedding will cost the friendship, so will de-bridesmaiding (like me new word hehe) her… just make sure you doing what your doing for the reason you know is right 🙂
ps – i only read the first post.. so if this has already been sorted … i’m sorry
Post # 29
Lisa, I was in your exact same position about a week ago! I couldn’t take it anymore. You should read some of my bridesmaid posts with the crazy/horrible things she did (I won’t get into them here on your thread).
Anyway, getting to the point, what I decided was the best thing to do was to give her the opportunity to fire herself. First, I pointed out the way she had been acting, and all the instances where she put additional unnecessary stress on me planning this wedding. Second, I told her "Maybe you should think about not being a bridesmaid in the wedding." I followed with, "The way you’re acting makes me feel like you don’t really want to be there anyway, and that makes me not sure I want you there."
Well, she seems to have turned her attitude right around. I mean, while she’s still not bubbling over with joy for me (due to jealousy or whatever reason), she has ceased adding to my stress levels on a regular basis. We basically aren’t communicating much now to avoid fighting, but I’m happy I didn’t all-out fire her. We have been friends for 23 years, after all.
Post # 30
i second Mrs Emerald.
good luck. i had some bridesmaid drama of my own too, unfortunately, but i’m glad i made the move and now i’m really happy and relieved of the burden.
Post # 31
I hate when you have a girlfriend that you just love to have around in good company. Or the way she acts is the way she acted as a teenager and it was fun then. But now that we are getting older and we are starting new lives. Girls can be pretty harsh. My friend i have a few great feriends one that i knew for 18 years and wanted as my maid of honor and the other i knew for about 12 but the one that i knew for 18 she is a hag. I am sorry to say its the truth. nothing would stop her to tell the truth on something personal just to hurt me. Or comment on something that went on in my life to hurt me. I think i have changed my mind and i dont want her as my maid of honor. I want her just as a bridesmaid. Honsestly i dont know if she wants to be one. I have a feeling she will say no at the last moment that she doesnt want to be apart of it. Which wont suprise me, i will have a backup and it will still look very pretty. I am glad that you stuck with your plans. but i think you should go with your gutt, and or have a backup just in case.