(Closed) I want to get secretly married before the wedding, but how secret could it be?

posted 6 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you’re paying, then you should plan the wedding YOU want.  Invite your family, explain that while it’s not what they want for you, it’s what YOU want for you, and tell them you hope they’ll come and be happy for you. 

If they offer to pay, then they get a say in how this goes down.

I think there are a great many reasons to do the legal paperwork ahead of time and get married before having a vow renewal/marriage celebration/convalidation ceremony/whatever… but I disagree with keeping it a secret.  I look at it as lying by omission, but that’s just me and my opinion.

Post # 4
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you will get found out, and it sounds like you don’t want to ruffle feathers in your family. This would ruffle far more feathers than just going against the cookie-cutter wedding.

Most secrets don’t stay that way and you’ve already identified one serious place you could get found out. There are more.

I think you should just have the wedding you want instead, but I know that is easier said than done in some cases.

Post # 6
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honey, I think you need to look inside yourself (Your FI) and come up with a clear vision of what the both of you really want.  You said you are paying which gives you guys even more clout about having it YOUR way.

I do not see any point in getting married secretly before hand, then going through with a big show of a wedding.  

I had a friend that did this, it was some way to “reclaim” their day and get control back, but all it did was piss off family and they still had to go through with the big foofy show.  What is the point?

If you are legally married, then you cannot be on your dad’s insurance.  That’s insurance fraud.

Post # 7
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you get married you will have to notify the insurance company so they can drop you.  If you stay on it after you get married you risk getting found out and being responsible for paying money back to the insurance company for any medical reimbursements made from the time you got married to the time you told your dad to take you off the insurance.  You could always stay on his insurance but you cannot use it during that time period (i.e. if you go to the doctor you would be self pay or you would need to obtain your own insurance separately.)  If you obtain insurance separately you would have to inform that company that you already have insurance through your dad and then they would contact that insurance company to cancel your policy since you’re married and on a new policy and then dad would find out.  Suck it up and wait until the planned wedding; the alternative is lot of paperwork and unnecessary headaches.

Post # 8
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@katehh08:  You could do it and just wait until after your “wedding” to do any name changes or insurance changes. Do you have to be married to be added to your FI’s insurance? Here we just have to share an address.

Post # 9
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@katehh08:  I didn’t particularly enjoy planning my wedding, I’m not into flowers and froo froo stuff, but I sat down with my (then) Fiance and talked about what we really want, and what other stuff matters less to us.  We let our families help out in that his mother is amazing with flowers, so I asked her to join me at the florist appointment since I didn’t give a diddly hoot about the flowers.  His dad offered to foot the bar bill, so when it came time to talk about what we were providing, I let him set it up.  My mom went dress shopping with me. 

You absolutely CAN have a wedding and reception that represents you guys as a couple.  Host the event YOU want to have.  Get married when, how, and where YOU GUYS want to.  Compromise on points that aren’t important to you so that your familiy feels included (unless they are the ‘give them an inch, they’ll take a mile’ type of people).  The Bee is here to help give you ideas and work out conflicts like this.  Never hesitate to ask us for help, it’s kind of why we hang out on here all day!

Post # 10
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My parents got frustrated with their families planning an over-the-top traditional wedding for them and eloped with their two friends as witnesses, then came home for a reception with their families. My paternal grandmother, who was a very overbearing woman, was out of town at the time, and my mom even borrowed a dress out of her closet for the ceremony. My mom always said she was glad they were able to do the wedding their way, so going along with the reception didn’t matter, and I always thought the story was romantic. Obviously, though, they had to tell their families after they came home; they were irked to say the least.

Weigh your options. You can elope, which may make your family mad, but if it’s really the wedding you want, do it. I would suggest pretending your families don’t exist for a day or two: if family were not a factor and you could have any wedding you wanted, what would you do? Then find a way to make it happen.

Post # 11
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Have you thought of hiring a wedding planner or eloping? After you elope your families can throw you whatever type of party they want and pay for it, lol.

Post # 12
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you get legally married, you may only have a limited time (like 30 days) for your husband to add you to his insurance.  Usually, you only have a month after a major event, like losing a job and your own insurance, to get added to a spouse’s.  Most companies won’t just let you add dependents whenever you feel like it.  This is even if you haven’t changed your name yet.  They go by the legal marriage date.

Post # 13
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I guess I don’t understand why you can’t do your wedding your way?  I get that family pressure is a bitch, but since you’re paying I don’t see why you can’t just book the vendors you want to do things the way you want and just not entertain suggestions from your family (or tell them you want to keep your plans under wraps as a big surprise or whatever).

Post # 14
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

FYI, In the US you can be married and still be on your parents’ health insurance (until the age of 26). This is one of the new changes to health care coverage.

Post # 15
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t see the point of a secret marriage and still go through with the big shinding after … having said that I’m “eloping” (not technically an elopement because it’s planned and because I’m having 6 guests) and after we tell our families there will be backlash so we’ll end up with a party likely but not the whole “wedding” stuff, only a party.

Post # 16
8682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Personally I think if you are having a stressful time planning a wedding then getting married in secret first isn’t going to make any of that stress go away. In fact it will probably make it even more stressful because on top of planning a wedding you don’t want you will be actively lying and keeping up the facarde of not being married.


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