Post # 1
I am a frequent poster on the bee but for this one I need to go undercover………
My Darling Husband and I do foster care and adopt. I don’t want to get to detailed because I have posted about such things before. Anyways we have a few already adopted children that have special needs. We also have a 3 year old of our own that was just diagnosed with a special need but it is one that with therepy he will be able to overcome and have a completely normal life although right now parenting him at times is a challange. Our other adopted children are in there teens.
Last year we got a new foster child that was supposed to go back home (they told us this but it was very much not true). He is 6 and has special needs as well mostly behavior issues. In the beginning I was in tears almost daily do to him. He would pull my hair scratch me, bite me, hit me, everything imaginable completely out of control crazy. He even broke our big screen TV. I at that point was ready to send him back but my Darling Husband said to give it more time. We enrolled him in daycare so he wouldn’t be left home alone with me (he only acts this way with females and does not do it to my DH). That has helped but he is still crazy when left with me. It’s not as severe as it used to be now it’s just alot of running around screaming at the top of his lungs. He is also really bad in school tipping over desks and such. He is on meds which has helped alot but he’s still wild. We have tried 3 therepist with no luck.
So here is my issue when our son turned 2 I wanted to TTC another child and so did Darling Husband. Now my son is 3 and we still haven’t tried mostly in part to the new crazy addition to the family.
Now his birth mom has signed her rights over and everyone including Darling Husband is expecting us to adopt him. I have been bringing up TTC alot with Darling Husband lately and his response is always things are to crazy right now to TTC. I just cannot bond with this child I have really tried and for someone looking from the outside in it really looks like I have. I tuck him in at night, read him stories, spend time with him, etc. but I really don’t want to keep him. I am slowly having a harder time each day dealing with him. I have brought this up to Darling Husband but he always seems to blow me off. During the summer I said well lets see how things are going after the 1st of the year and make a decision. Well things haven’t gotten better and I tried to bring it up again he blows me off. This little boy has also my sexually abused so I worry about him with our 3 year old and we actually cannot have them alone together EVER because he has shown signs that he may act out sexually. We caught him trying to kiss one of our older kids and making humping noises. My Darling Husband thinks we are giving up on him but I think we need to look into the best interest of the kids we have already commited to. The older kids have expressed to there therepist the pain it is causing them to have him in the house. I am also having a hard time dealing with the fact I cant TTC do to the crazy he causes on a day to day basis. I so badly want another child of my own. My Darling Husband is also almost 40 which worries me because I don’t want to try after he turns 40 do to possible complications.
What should I do suck it up and just adopt him? Or sersiously talk to my Darling Husband and deal with all of the harsh judgement we will get from people for not adopting him. I need some serious advice I am just so confused.
Post # 3
Don’t adopt him if you do not really want to – to me that would be far worse than any argument or bad feelings with your Darling Husband. I don’t think you can seriously commit to this kid for life if you don’t feel you’d be giving him his best home. Talk to your Darling Husband – MAKE him listen. It is unhealthy to have to feel like you are right now. I don’t think what you’re saying is wrong, I feel like it’s exactly RIGHT. This child needs to probably be in a home with no other children, can you bring this up to your caseworker? Also, if you keep this child that you do not want to adopt…and it hinders you from being able to TTC…you will have horrible feelings towards him FOREVER. Let your Darling Husband know this.
Post # 4
When it comes to a childs life, I don’t think making ‘ suck it up and do it” decisions are a good idea…
If you guys want children of your own or feel that you need to protect yourself and the others, then you have to make choices that best support that desire!
I would talk to hubby and also a therapist for yourself. This is tough stuff.
Post # 5
I don’t have any advice, only that my heart is breaking for this little boy… perhaps he would do better in a home with no other children, but I’m not sure how likely the odds are he’d be adopted. Sorry your family is in this situation.
Post # 6
Don’t adopt him, because you do not want to, and cannot care for him properly. He deserves to be in a home where the mother figure actually wants him around.
Post # 7
This sounds like a tough situation. It sounds like you have done everything you can, but it’s just not a good fit. I don’t think you should be pushed into adopting this child. Explain how you feel and put your foot down with Darling Husband. If Darling Husband really won’t listen to your concerns/feelings, try some counseling/mediation because this is very important
Post # 8
Wow this sounds like such a hard situation. I don’t have any good advice but I do hope you figure it out. One thing I do want to say is that you need to have a serious talk with your husband. He should not be blowing you off like that. You guys both need to have a really serious discussion and maybe talk to the therapist together? Good luck with whatever decision you guys make!
Post # 9
Have you tried ABA therapy? applied behavior analysts work with issues such as this frequently…its very effective. How long have to had him now? I’m sorry, I think I missed that part. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I know it must be really hard.
Post # 10
From someone who is going through adoption in the foster care system as well; sometimes as much as we want it too, there will be children that don’t fit with your particular family. I know it’s hard and some will say you can’t give up on him but no one can ever judge you until they are in your shoes. I feel if your children have expressed their pain and concern; their safety comes first. This little boy may function and grow better in a family as an only child where someone can fully focus on him. I’m sorry you are going through this! Don’t feel like you are giving up on him, you are trying to give him the best life possible.
Post # 11
@soconfusedtb: I don’t have any advice, I just want to send some hugs your way. That sounds like an extremely difficult situation. I commend you for opening your home to these children and feel that it would be very unfair for anyone not in your shoes to judge you. It sounds like you haven’t been able to have a real heart to heart with your husband about this – any chance you can go out to dinner or something and really discuss how you are feeling? It sounds like your family is already working with a therapist… is someone that specializes in behavior problems seeing the 6 year old? I imagine so, but if not, maybe you can try that? I’m sorry this has caused so much disruption. I hope you can figure out something so that you can TTC #2. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Post # 12
This is such a tough situation but making the decision to adopt affects your whole family and in this case it may not be in your family’s best interest. It seems like your other children are uncomfortable with the new little one and your home may not be the best environment for him, especially if you aren’t bonding with him and you’re afraid to leave your youngest alone with him.
From your post it sounds like you stay home with your kids while your Darling Husband works so its you that has to manage him on a daily basis. Your Darling Husband doesn’t seem to understand the distress this child is causing you since he’s not home with him and he acts differently with men. I think you need to have a serious talk with your Darling Husband about finding this little guy a home better suited to his needs, where parents can dedicate all their time and attention to just him.
It really sucks when these things don’t work but you need to look out for everyone in your family and it sounds like this little boy isn’t a good fit.
Post # 13
i had to register so i could post…anyway please think twice about adopting this child. he sounds like he has an attachment disorder and it absolutely positively will not improve unless he has special therapy. what you describe is classic (acts out mainly with you and your dh does not “see it”). this will tear your family apart. please read up and educate yourself on reactive attachment disorder and get help asap. as katy elle said he needs to be in a home with no other children and parents who are committed to extensive attachment therapy with a certified attachment therapist, not just any ordinary therapist. this will not go away on it’s own and “love” will not cure it. fyi i am an adoption worker and an adoptive mother of a former foster child.
Post # 14
you have said that your other children are not comfortable with him, and you are worried for the safety of yourself and your other children. I think in that case, even though in your heart you want to give the boy a home, your home might not be the best fit.
think about your other children, are you giving Them the best possible home if you adopt this boy? He might be better in a family with no children.
Post # 15
@roxymalone: The therepist that we mainly see has said she believes he has RAD and does not think we should adopt him but Darling Husband for some reason doesn’t see it. We have tried to get him a psych evaluation but DCFS won’t do it until June 2012
Post # 16
it is very classic for the man not to see it. after all, he is not the one that the rage is being taken out on, is he? it is a very familiar pattern and not exclusive to your family. my son didn’t have RAD but is Oppositional Defiant and that is hard enough. stand your ground and do what is best for your family and this little boy.