Post # 1
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
(Background: My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 years so we are very secure in our relationship and knew marriage was in the future and we are now both 25.) So last week I had a hunch that my boyfriend was going to start looking for rings and proved to be right. On his day off he told me he had to help his dad which was the same excuse his brother used last year when going ring shopping. I became suspicous also after his dad asked for my father’s cell and my mom is constantly talking about rings. I couldn’t control my curiosity and looked in his phone finding a text to his dad confirming everything.
My dilemma: I have a particular ring style in mind. I’ve shown him a picture once before of the pear style which he has saved in his phone. So he knows what I’m looking for pretty much but I’m fighting the urge to ask him if we can look at rings together.
What are your opinions?
In panic the next day after I found out I did end up telling my boyfriend I thought I knew what was going on (with a smile on my face) and still wanted everything to be a surprise when the time comes but I wanted to be able to show him what style I like. My boyfriend was a little disappointed wanting it to be a surprise but I told him we could be mature and as long as the real thing was a surprise its ok. We ended up going “pretend shopping” looking at some rings just in the mall not going to any jewelers where he would really buy the ring.
I’ve always liked pear rings in photos but never have seen one on a friend or someone in person. So I think my panic was in making sure that this was what I really wanted before he possibly went to buy it and god forbid once I got it it wasn’t something I liked. So he agreed to look with me just ‘pretend shopping’. Since pears are so hard to find the day didn’t really help since we just quickly went in stores to see if there were pears and ended up giving up and calling it a day.
Now tomorrow I think he’s meeting with a jeweler who is a family friend. I’m still nervous what do I do? I think he prefers to buy the ring on his own but I know some couples pick the ring together. Him and I usually even shop for christmas gifts together or tell eachother what we want so it isn’t unusual for us but I don’t want to be pushy in asking him. Should I let it go or how can I explain I’d like to go with him and it wouldn’t ruin the real proposal?
Post # 3
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
My SO and I had been together over 3 years when we started looking at rings together. We both knew we were heading down the marriage path and casually one evening mentioned that at some point in the future I wanted to go look at rings. He totally embraced the idea. He still tells people he is glad that we went to look at rings so he could find out exactly what I liked. Both of us went in with an idea of what we liked but after looking at many different settings and cuts of center stones what we originally wanted was not at all what I ended up with.
My thought process is that if your SO is going to spend a significant amount of money to him on something he wnats you to love why not go and look at rings together. Pick out a few and he can surprise you with the one he decides on. We picked out the setting together and after I found 2 cuts of diamonds I liked he surprised me with what the center stone was.
Just because you may even know what the ring will look like he can still surprise you with when and how he will propose and to me that was what was most important. The proposal and not the ring, and even then I had an idea of when the proposal was coming and was completely blown away.
Post # 4
Member
7457 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I’m a huge believer in trying different types of settings/stones on before deciding what you like best. Maybe you should go alone to a jeweler who has what you think you like and try it on by yourself since it seems like he doesn’t want you to go with him?
Post # 5
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
@Lizzie1116: thanks that makes me happy to hear. I just feel like its such a huge purchase and I want to love it every time I look at it for the rest of my life. I almost feel like I myself don’t even know what I like for sure and wasn’t the type of person always looking at other people’s rings and knowing what I wanted for sure. Anyway he’s trying to hide going to the jeweler tomorrow still (even though he told me about it last week lol). What should I do just ask if we can go together? I think he’s a little uncomfortable with it only because within the last year his brother and sister got engaged and all the guys shopped alone so that’s all he can compare it to. I’m torn with what to do because I’m not sure how to tell him again that this wouldn’t ruin something that is supposed to be so special.
Post # 6
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
@Cory_loves_this_girl: I think he would prefer to go alone since he thinks “it’s what you’re supposed to do” but wouldn’t be against going together either. I thought of going alone but for some reason that doesn’t sit well with me thinking of a memory of going to look at rings alone I’m not sure why lol.
Post # 7
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
Ok, so I was in your exact same situation a few months ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for ~7 years, early twenties, all of it. He wasn’t just hesitant- he wanted to pick it out all himself! We christmas shop, anniversary shop, birthday shop, every shop together so we can get each other what we want (or we make a detailed wish list with asterisks next to high importance items). Also, like you, I wanted a fancy cut-heart. Basically, I sat down and gently brought up the fact that I knew the engagement was coming. I also brought up the fact that he was going to spend money on it, so why not make it my dream ring (well within reason)? We talked some more, and I told him that this is the ring I want to wear forever and be so proud of because he gave it to me. I also told him that the proposal is the “big surprise”, not the ring! After we talked about it he went from wanting to pick the entire thing out to wanting me to have exactly what I wanted so much that we ended up going custom on the ring itself (which I highly reccomend- custom rings are so special because they are so unique!). It really is just about a calm, rational talk between the two of you.
What not to do/say (might be obvious, but thought I’d throw it out there):
“I want this setting and this price and this stone and it has to be made here”
“but it is my ring, not yours!”
“SoAndSo’s fiance let her pick hers out” (why can’t you be like him?)
“What if you pick it out and I hate it?” (you would love anything he picked, you just think it is something that could be so special if you could pick it together)
Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
I went with my Fiance to pick out my ring for a few reasons:
1. I already knew he was proposing. We wanted to start our relationship off by making one of the most important decisions of our lives together.
2. I absolutely had to have a marquise.
3. I wanted something different, something special, but I really couldn’t put it into words.
4. I have really small hands. A ring size four. I was terrified my Fiance would spend a lot of money on a huge diamond that would overwhlem my finger and I wouldn’t end up liking.
Here is my ring, which I am in love with:
Here is my engagement, just so you can see how little seeing the ring beforehand mattered:
Post # 9
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
@FutureMrsBH: I know it’s such a delicate topic.. We had a rational talk and since he was hesitant I just suggested lets look at rings and ‘pretend shop’. I guess the same thing happened he realized it wasn’t a big deal and said we could go look. The disappointing thing was that they didn’t have any in that cut so we didn’t really make any progress. I just ended up telling him that I thought I would stick with my original pictures I showed him because I knew I didn’t really like the traditional looking rings I saw and it was a little reassuring in a sense. However I still didn’t feel 100% never having tried on a pear cut. Anyways since I last told him that we didn’t really talk about it again and tomorrow is when he has scheduled to meet with a jeweler that his future brother in law just went to. I don’t want to pressure him or say anything like the things you mentioned aren’t good obviously so I’m not sure if I should leave it alone and hope it looks as good on as I imagine it or if I should just have another rational talk? I don’t want to disappoint him.. he already told me that tomorrow “he has to go in to work for a few hours” on his day off.. Do I drop it? Lol ugh I’m just picky which he knows and it’s giving me anxiety! I really do want something custom and even value his input and don’t want to make it all about me..
Post # 10
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
@MissComicBook: aw that’s such a lovely story! I have really small fingers too and a particular taste like you. I think we both agreed last week after me telling him these things but I’m just nervous about pushing it again.. tomorrow he is scheduled to meet with the jeweler and is trying to hide it. I’m pretty sure he knows I know but is it wrong to ask to come?
Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
@primadonna5: Thank you! I don’t think so, personally. I never had this problem because Fiance basically dragged me, but if you guys are open and honest with each other then he should move past this. Or, you could get a ring “custom made.” We went to Kay Jewlers and pickd a loose stone and a setting. If I had not been so weak, I would not have been able to actually see the ring all together.
Post # 12
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
My Fiance and I went to look at rings together. I had narrowed down what I liked to about 4 settings. He wanted me to have EXACTLY what I wanted since its something I will wear for the next 50+ years. We went together and I picked out my setting. To this day, I am still absolutely in love with it. I knew I wanted a large stone (i am 29, hes 28 so we are very successful and fiancially well). His surpirse to me was the stone he picked – he did a reeallllllly good job!!!!! Even though I picked out the setting, I was still surprised because it was an engagement proposal!!! And it was even more beautiful than I could have imagined. It did not take away from the experience at all. My Fiance was happy that I picked it out because it took the stress off of him to pick the right one. If youre picky (like me) then you should pick it out!!
Post # 13
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
- Wedding: June 2014 - The Millennium Center
I was by FI’s side when we picked and he bought my ring, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! I think I was actually MORE surprised when I actually got it, because of the anticipation of seeing MY diamond on MY band versus the CZ on the store model setting. As other bees have mentioned, the way I saw it was: Fiance is paying thousands of dollars for my ring, why not be 100% positive it is exactly what I love?
Post # 14
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
@primadonna5: I picked out a few settings that I liked, and left the diamond up to him.
Post # 15
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
I think I’m going to tell him my feelings tonight with all your suggestions and also let him know that if he really feels uncomfortable with doing that its fine as well. I will update how it went!
Post # 16
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
@primadonna5: Well, if he thinks that you don’t know he is going tomorrow, that could be tricky… I would look up examples tonight, print them off if you can, and say something like “remember when we pretended to shop? These are a few I like that I didn’t get to show you before cause they didn’t have them in the store”. You could then say something like “you know, if you want, the first time you go talk to a real jeweler I could come along just to give you ideas about what I like, and then if you want we could leave the rest up to you” that might be a happy medium, and it would let him know you were interested in going the first visit and leave the inviting up to him.
