(Closed) I want to hear your virgin wedding night stories/advice!

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
4045 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’m glad you’re not nervous or freaked out. That’s a good start!

For one, put no pressure on the night to be magical or anything. He’ll probably finish within a minute, although then there are other men who feel so much pressure that they cannot perform!

Don’t expect to have an orgasm the first time, or even the first several times. For many women it takes months to get used to things and relax enough to orgasm.

Do lots of foreplay beforehand. Manual stimulation, oral, etc. Just cuddle some. Don’t jump right into it.

In all likelihood, you will bump heads, accidently knee him, fart, not get it in, etc. Just laugh it off and keep going. Sex is NOT like the movies and there are lots of bloopers!

ETA: Oh, and don’t be afraid to talk before, during, after.

Before, talk about expectations, pregnancy, likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. Discuss birth control.

During – don’t be afraid to give him some direction. Your head is scrunched up against the headboard? You’re allowed to ask him to help you scoot down. It hurts? Ask him to slow down or stop.

Afterwards, talk about the experience. What you liked, didn’t like, what you want to try next. Experiment! And have fun.

Post # 19
Member
4045 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@FutureMrsT1221:  Yeah. So many problems I see in my friends and even on these boards are couples who are afraid to talk about sex. But really, just expressing expectations and desires really solves a lot of issues! That was one thing that made sex enjoyable for us from the get-go. We are long distance, so we had more than a year just to talk about sex before actually engaging in it, and I think that helped us immensely. We were both on the same page long before getting physical with each other.

Post # 20
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

A Practical Wedding has had some great blog posts. Here’s one http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/07/wedding-night-sex-virgin/

 

Keep in mind that most women do not have orgasms from just vaginal sex. They need manual or oral or mechanical stimulation. Do not think you are a failure if you cant O just from his penis. 

Also, learn to give yourself an O. A woman’s body is fickle and one wrong move 1mm in the wrong direction can ruin everything. By knowing your own body, you can help him.

Also, wished someone would have told me about the Missed Orgasm. It’s where you have all the tension and buildup to an O, but no O. You just suddenly feel like you have had a release and are at step 1 again. If this happens, take a break. You will be tempted to try harder to get back to where you were, but the moment has gone. Back off, focus on him and give your body time to recover. 

Have fun!

Post # 22
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Rachel631:  Reply # 12 —> 100% This

Which is WHY I am one who actually says that couples who are Engaged should be doing some experimentation BEFORE they get married.  Even if you feel that full on sex (penetration) is something you want to save for after the Wedding.

Experimentation is a GOOD THING if there is at all an “expectation” of consummation in the first 24 Hours or so of Marriage.

I could not imagine what it would be like to start from scratch sexually on my Honeymoon… in so much as a modern Honeymoon is so much more than just sex (great destinations, great adventures etc).  The idea of a Honeymoon being a time filled with what I now define as “romance” doesn’t correspond well with the nitty gritty (and icky) of first time sex.

So I wouldn’t want to be dealing with all that on my Honeymoon…

Getting ready for a Wedding is stressful enough… I see no reason to make the Honeymoon which should be more relaxing, filled with stress as well.

My first time was when I was in College, and 18 years old (actually it was on my BDay).  And it was with my longtime BF.  We spent literally months together gradually working our way towards full on sex… staying together in the Dorms etc.  We got thru the various issues more easily I believe because we took our time… getting more comfortable with being naked and our bodies.  And still, the first time was awkward and painful.  And although nice (mostly because my BF was a real sweetheart and set the mood) it wasn’t that great physically… definitely not for me (seemed to be a lot better for him… not surprisingly).

We didn’t find our groove for quite awhile… weeks to months afterwards… so a long time before it was truly pleasureable for BOTH of us (primarily me)

Great sex does not happen over night !!

(And in some cases even mediocre sex, doesn’t happen over night).

Bad sex or not so great sex, tends to be the norm for most first timers.

IF I was a woman looking at “saving myself for my Husband” as I said above, I’d probably bend the rules a bit and start earlier… before the actual marriage.  So at least the Honeymoon isn’t filled with all the awkwardness… but just be an extenuation of a sexual relationship that has already begun to some extent.

Until someone has actually been thru this it is hard to explain.. but vacations are great when you are with your Honey and are having great sex.  It is definitely what most couples report on surveys… and definitely what I’ve found over the years.

I LOVE VACATIONS… for so many reasons… Getting Away – New Destinations – Adventures – Sightseeing – History – Geography – New Cultures – Meeting People – Great Food & Wine – Relaxing – Pampering – Time with my Honey – and HOT Sex.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 25
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FutureMrsT1221:  We were virgins, and hadn’t done “stuff” beyond hugging and kissing. I do not recommend going further than that – the times we started to go a bit further (more touching), I found myself aroused… and then frustrated. So we talked and agreed that further touching would wait until we were married.

Some people say to wait until the next day. I don’t 🙂 We were so eager, I can’t imagine not at least trying.

Spend as much time as possible on foreplay (kissing, him touching boobs and “down there”) so you get aroused and “wet”. It probably won’t be enough and you’ll need lube. (I forget how long we regularly used lube after we were married. For months I think.)

I second bees who say not to have high expectations. The night was wonderful but the actual intercourse was a bit of disaster :). My DH couldn’t get in properly, and then finished quickly. No one told me it would take half a dozen tries (over several days) to break my hymen. But still, I look back on it as part of the learning experience. And we improved quickly over the next few weeks.

One thing I did sometimes in the years before I was married – which I sometimes felt guilty about at the time but in retrospect am glad I did – is masturbate. I now think from my (Christian) viewpoint there is nothing wrong with it, if not overdone. And the big advantage was I knew what aroused me, and could guide DH to touch me in the same way. As a result I was able to get the big O most nights, from the start.

Post # 26
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

All of this advice is very good, especially taking it slow, talking about everything beforehand, and doing lots of experimenting/exploring before intercourse. My husband and I didn’t wait until our wedding night but we did lose our virginity to each other, in our mid-20’s. We had spent months developing our sexual relationship before our “first time” so we felt very comfortable with each other, but it still hurt, even though I didn’t have an intact hymen and I was as aroused as can be (didn’t need lube). To be honest, once he was in, it felt physically uncomfortable and I just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. It still hurt the second time we had sex, but by the third time the pain was magically gone.

Even though it hurt, it was still wonderful and special. Since we had done everything else, I honestly didn’t expect intercourse to feel that much different, but it did, in an amazing way. I’ll never forget the emotions I felt and the look in his eyes the first time we came together.

Just don’t have any expectations for the first time (or first couple dozen times) and see it as the beginning of a long process. 

Post # 27
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Thanks for posting this – I know this is certianly not the norm these days and I am sure it took some courage to post!

I applaud your steadfastness and patience – I know it isn’t easy! Espcially after you are engaged.

My husband and I were both virgins when we married. We, too, hold to a belief system that teaches a high view of sex and marriage and we believed sex is best within the context of marriage. So, we waited. It certainly wasn’t easy and both of us made mistakes along the way. When we met, it got even harder and THEN he proposed and it seemed almost impossible. If it were not for our philosophical and religious beliefs, trust in our God and lots and lots of prayer, I don’t think we could have done it.

I will say, as the wedding drew closer, and as we fell more and more in love by the day, it got easier. It got to a point where we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and also we came to a point to where we wanted to wait for the sake of the other person. 

All that to say, I don’t think there is a more special or precious gift we could have given each other. The wedding night was indescribably special. Not to say it was the best sex of our lives, because that is far from the truth, but it will remain one of the most special nights of our lives. 

My advice is to take it slow. You have the rest of your lives to have perfect sex, and it most likely WILL NOT be on your wedding night – or even on your honeymoon. Sex is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time, years even to learn one another and figure out what is best for you as a couple. So, I encourage you not to expect what you see in the movies and not to expect your first time – or even first few times! – to be “great sex” (that goes for your husband as well). 

If you both go into your wedding night/honeymoon with the mindset that you won’t know what to do, but you get to learn together, you will have some of the most memorable times of your life! Don’t take it too seriously or try to get it “right.” Laugh a lot, and be ok with something going wrong (it’s hard to do! Especially if you are wanting to please/serve your husband!)

Are you going through pre-marital counseling? Do you have an older woman who can talk to you about sex and what to expect? That was invaluable for me. There are also a few good books out there – I read a couple that were helpful. I’m not sure what faith you hold to – the ones I read were Christian books. 

I’m excited for you both! There is a definite spiritual aspect to sex and oneness – it is truly one of God’s greatest gifts to us. When you get frustrated in the next year, before you’re married (because I’m sure you will) just remember, IT IS WORTH THE WAIT! I promise. Please don’t hesistate to message me if you have any questions!

Congrats on your engagement and happy wedding planning!

Post # 28
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@bowsergirl:  +1!

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@FutureMrsT1221:  Definitely agree with PPs!!!! Communication is very important. Talking about expectations before, telling him what you need/want to try during, and telling him what you liked afterwards. Invest in some lubricant (stick with the basic lube at first because there are some that having warming or tingling effects that can feel uncomfortable)–you will probably both have to lube up the first several times! Also, you should ABSOLUTELY engage in foreplay. It is important to make sure you’re clean and shaved because you will feel better naked. Makeout, get comfortable being naked together, and explore each other physically and orally. You do not have to rush ANYTHING (and when it’s time for penetration, he does not have to be a jackrabbit). Sometimes foreplay can last for hours, and it makes sex much more pleasurable for a woman. The first few times you have sex can be very uncomfortable, so don’t be afraid to tell your DH that you are in pain and would like to stop. Always listen to and respect each other while being intimate. If both of you go into sex with the intention of pleasuring the other person and are able to communicate your desires, you will have amazing sex. And I second that you should pee after to avoid UTIs 🙂

Post # 29
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

As I was writing that several other bees posted and I went back and read them. From personal experience it is WORTH IT to wait – our honeymoon was the best week of our lives, literally. We didn’t have awkward times- we truly enjoyed figuring out sex together. Entering into our marriage as virgins did NOT ruin our honeymoon, but really made it so much more special! It was so super romantic, and not icky at all. It’s all about your mindset, expectations and how you two are communicating. And despite the cultural norm, I really believe that if you are with your husband, there is no such thing as bad sex. Of course there will be times that are more pleasurable and intense for both of you, and there will be times that don’t “work right” or maybe don’t work at all – but thats ok! You get to figure it out with him and it’s such a joy to do so! Just because you might not orgasm, or even find it pleasurable, it is still wonderful.

I would NOT recommend experimenting beforehand – you will enjoy figuring it all out together once you’re married. 

Everyone is different, and I have several friends that were not able to fully have sex until after the honeymoon. Like someone above said, it all depends on how tight you are, your anatomy, his anatomy etc. But for me, we were able to have sex on the wedding night. It certainly didn’t last long – as several mentioned above! And it definitely didn’t feel great for me. It took a few times, maybe a couple or so days, before it was comfortable for me. It was not all that painful for me, but did take some time before it was comfortable – does that make sense?

I’ll say it again – from one virgin bride to another – IT’S WORTH THE WAIT!!

Post # 31
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@FutureMrsT1221:  Not a book, but this web site is good: http://themarriagebed.com . It is written by and for Christians, but a lot of it would be useful for any virgin newlyweds.

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