Post # 1
I have a great guy friend from high school who I keep in touch with every now and then. My fiancé knows that this guy (let’s call him Ed) and I communicate once in a while. I want to invite Ed to the wedding because I value the friendship we shared and I think it would be rude not to. We are both very artsy (while my fiancé is not), and throughout my teenage years I really enjoyed talking about art and poetry with him. He would proofread my work and critiqued it, and I commented on his art. We had a great friendship.
however, my fiancé has always hated Ed, mainly because he always instinctually believed Ed was in love me. I’m not going to lie- before my fiancé and I officially started dating- Ed did declare that he had strong feelings for me. But when I started dating my fiancé, he was a gentleman and never brought it up again. He was never was rude to my fiancé. In fact, he began to keep his distance from me, a decision I believe was out of respect for my fiancé.
i really want to invite Ed and have told my fiancé, but my fiancé does not agree. What should I do? Should I just let it go?
Post # 2
ellec54 : FI’s feelings come ahead of Ed’s.
Post # 3
ellec54 : yoir fiance and his feelings should take priority over Ed and his feelings. So if your fiance is hurt by you inviting ED it matters more than Ed being hurt if you dont invite him.
Post # 4
Yes, let it go.
Your fiance’s opinion matters more
Post # 5
Uh it’s your FI’s wedding too. Why would you want to invite someone that would make him uncomfortable?
Post # 6
I’d choose to put my fiancé’s feelings first. If your friendship has faded and he’s distanced himself I doubt he’s expecting an invite anyway.
Post # 7
ellec54 : I’m going to go against the grain here, and say that it doesn’t seem your Fiance has a good reason for disliking this guy, except for jelousy. Now if “Ed” told you he had feelings for you while you were with your Fiance, or bad mouthed your Fiance or anything like that, that would be fair enough for your Fiance to not want him at your wedding, but if he has been nothing but respectful of your relationship and you count him as a friend, then I think you should be able to invite him. I think your Fiance is being childish.
Post # 8
Innerdonught : yeah, definitely. I guess my reason for wanting to invite him is also because I consider him a childhood friend, someone who celebrated many milestones with me, someone who supported my dreams and believed in me. The idea of not inviting him seems weird to me in that sense. Of course, my fiance’s feelings come first. But a part of me wishes my fiancé could put his jealousy in the past.
Post # 9
youngbrokebride : yeah, if Ed was rude or inappropriate in any way to my fiancé or our relationship this wouldn’t even be an issue for me. But he hasn’t… so it makes me a little sad. But my fiancé has never gotten jealous in any other situation, so maybe I have to listen to his gut feeling more.
Post # 10
hikingbride : our friendship hasn’t really faded because every time we communicate it is as if time hasn’t passed. But he has distanced himself by not talking me as often as he would if I wasn’t in a relationship (not because he is flirty, but because he respects boundaries).
However,even though I know it will hurt Ed, the bottom line is to not invite. That’s something I am accepting more.
Post # 12
ellec54 : I don’t buy into the “your partner’s feelings come first” particularly when those feelings and actions resulting from those feelings are based in things like jealousy and control.
Your feelings matter as well and wanting to be surrounded by friends who have supported you and helped you grow in your life to the point where you find yourself today, marrying the person you love, is to me more valid a feeling than wanting to exclude someone your partner would like to attend over jealousy.
Just because someone feels something does not make acting on those feelings justified.
Post # 13
Post # 14
ellec54 : I can see it from both sides. I have a close male friend too.
But my first thought reading your post was this: how would you feel if the tables were turned, if your Fiance insisted on inviting a female friend who had previously declared her feelings to him before you got together. Would you be happy dealing with her being there on that one special day you have? Happy him insisting on it?
If your friend hadn’t declared his feelings, I would think your Fiance was being unreasonable and possessive. But from my experience men tend to view this type of male friend as not being a real friend, just a guy in love with his partner hiding behind a ‘friendship’
This is my experience. I’m generalising of course but that’s how guys have explained it to me again and again. I’ve often argued back as they can be wrong.
Sometimes they’ve been wrong other times right. The problem is he’s already declared those feelings….
Post # 15
This 1000%. It’s your fiancé’s wedding too. He doesn’t want Ed there. That’s reason enough for Ed not to be there. Show some respect for your fiance’s feelings. If Ed is indeed a good friend, he’ll understand.