I want to invite guy friend my fiancé HATES.

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ellec54 :  Here’s another point: you say Ed has always been respectful, but does Fiance see it that way? Ask Fiance – he might be seeing things you’ve missed. Especially since you say he doesn’t get jealous about anyone else. A couple of questions:

(1) Were you aware Ed had feelings for you, before he told you?

(2) Did Fiance decide he hate Ed, before he found out that Ed once had feelings for you?

If the answers are (1) no and (2) yes, that probably shows that Fiance is better at “reading” Ed than you are.

Post # 17
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I suspect ed will decline the invitation. I would, though I’d be offended to not be invited. 

i understand your fiancé’s POV but it sounds like this friend is not interested in causing drama and has accepted you’ll only be friends. He’s no threat. 

Post # 18
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

j_jaye :  All of this.

 

It’s one thing to have a reasonable request that he not attend or the relationship be severed if he truly has been disrespectful or inconsiderate to your partner and relationship.

It’s another to try to control your friends and being able to include certain ones for events just based on jealousy and insecurity alone.

I would not give in. This would be a hill I would die on because where does it stop…any male friends that rub your fiancé the wrong way are now banned from important events? Not cool and controlling. I would tell my fiancé to seek out counseling for his issues before I allow my friends to be dictated unfairly.

My husband could have friends I don’t particularly care for but, as long as they’ve given no example to disrespect our relationship, I wouldn’t make him not include them in large events in his life.

Post # 19
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

soymilk :  OP’s already said Fiance isn’t jealous about other situations, just this one. Which is why I wonder if Fiance is picking up on things she is missing.

Post # 20
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

aussiemum1248 :  Even if he picks up on feelings, OP has described her friend as being nothing but respectful and even distancing to show respect.

People can hardly help accumulating feelings. However, many people, in spite of that, value a friendship higher and still want to hold on to that. Especially a long standing friendship like the OP had. It sounds like he knows his place in her life.

So long as a friend does not cross any boundaries and can keep himself adjusted on a friendship basis only, my partner has no business not keeping his feelings adjusted as well.

Eta:

I’m not saying her fiancé is jealous to all guys. However, how many male friendships does OP have that have a long standing history, similar  passionate interests that her fiancé doesn’t share, and more than likely a good chemistry in communication as friends. Add to that a detection of a crush on her friend’s behalf…yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised at feeling insecure about it. So, putting aside the childhood friendship length, let’s say she makes more male friends similar…I’m going to be surprised that he doesn’t have the same reaction.

If he had valid concerns, I assume OP would have said them. “I don’t like how he fixes your hair sometimes, he buys you gifts often, or that he tries to share food off his plate with you”…valid argument and deserves action. No valid issues but merely just don’t like him or don’t trust him? Not good enough.

He needs to realize she is with him at the end of the day. He also needs to learn that even if he has no trust in him that the trust he has for her is placed higher. He should trust that she has the best interest of her marriage higher than the friendship in the event it truly presents problems. 

Post # 21
Member
4143 posts
Honey bee

ellec54 :  I don’t think Ed did anything wrong and based from the info you shared, he has been respectful. Sounds like your fiance does not “hate” him but is jealous instead. I’m leaning more towards invite him based from youngbrokebride and j-jaye’s reasoning. God forbid you and your fiance separate or divorce, Ed will still be around while your then husband will move on with his life. You are marrying HIM after all and not Ed.

   j_jaye :   youngbrokebride :  

Post # 22
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’d go with what your Fiance wants. But that being said, do you think Ed would even want to come?  I wouldn’t want to see someone I have feelings for marry someone else. 

Post # 23
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think it all comes down to what you find most important to you: Ed’s friendship or your FI’s comfort. 

 Both have valid arguments to be more important than the other and, as pp show, it comes down to you and who you are/believe in.

Me, personally, I know I would feel very uncomfortable in your FI’s shoes. I would probably be aware of how silly my feelings are, but still couldn’t avoid them. It would particularly make me wonder about that friend’s intentions if she had never worked on also building a relationship with me.

So, I would put FI’s feelings over Ed’s. But I can also understand doing the opposite, I just don’t particularly agree.

Post # 24
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry bee. Hopefully Ed will understand why he isn’t invited and won’t hold it against you. But I think you have to put your fiance’s feelings first here. You want your special day to be about you and your Fiance. You don’t want a cloud hanging over it of starting off your marriage by making you Fiance feel uncomfortable. You probably won’t even notice Ed isn’t there. You will be busy celebrating with others. 

Post # 25
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

My fiance has an unlimited number of vetos re: who gets invited to our wedding. I do too. It’s just as much his wedding as it is mine.  We trust each other with this power, and do not abuse it. My fiance also has veto power over any friendship I have – especially the male ones. And I do too, over his friendships. I do not need a good reason, other than I am uncomfortable. We trust each other with this power because neither of us would deprive the other of a friendship on a whim.

Liking/being liked by, each others friends was something we tested early in the relationship; we considered it a part of determining compatibility. But there’s no question in my mind that if a new friend showed up, or an old friend started having a negative impact, I would be within my rights to ask for an end to the relationship.

I personally would not want a woman to come to my wedding if I knew she was “woulda coulda shoulda” with my fiance.

Post # 26
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

I would say don’t invite him. Not just because of your FI’s feelings (which he has just as much a right to as you), but because I think it is strange to invite someone who is not your Fiance and has declared himself to (practically) be in love with you, to your wedding. It almost seems cruel.

Post # 27
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

If the situation was reversed, and your fiance wanted to invite a girl that you were not 100% with, would you be ok with it? If you answered yes then explain to your fiance why you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and see if he’s willing to see it your way. If you answered no then, you should try to understand how he feels and just let it go. You two are going to spend the rest of your life together, there’s no need to have a conflict on something so minimal. 

Post # 28
Member
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m really sorry you are in the position where you have a close friend that your Fiance isn’t ok with.  That’s really hard.

I have two male friends that we invited to our wedding.  One was an old high school boyfriend (so we dated over 10 years ago, and it wasn’t serious), and the other was an old friend from work who had asked me out in the past (again, many years ago, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he still liked me somewhat).  I am super lucky that my husband doesn’t care about these friendships, so I get to see them sometimes with no drama.

I think you should be able to invite your friend- Ed doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong.  Perhaps discuss this more with your Fiance and see if you can get him more comfortable with your friend.  Have you all hung out in a group before?

Post # 29
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

soymilk :  “So long as a friend does not cross any boundaries and can keep himself adjusted on a friendship basis only, my partner has no business not keeping his feelings adjusted as well.”

So … here’s one thing succesful marriages do: they set the boundaries. They do NOT let outsiders determine boundaries, or count on outsiders to maintain the boundaries. Do not count on Ed to “keep himself adjusted to a friendship basis only.” Attraction is an incredibly powerful thing over time, especially when there is an emotional component.

Something else succesful marriages do: they do not consider themselves “above” the power of attraction. Given the right circumstances and pressures, 99% of people are capable of physical/emotional cheating. Most cheaters are not monsters who lied on their wedding day and feel entitled to something on the side. Most cheaters are people who didn’t set and maintain boundaries during the sunshine days, and when the storms rolled in they were unprepared.

It is very likely that the OP and her husband will have periods of serious conflict, frustration, and downright unhappiness in their marriage. If there aren’t boundaries, and a united front from the start where the “Eds” of the world are concerned, there can easily be trouble.

We already have one person in this thread suggesting the Bride keep Ed around in case things don’t work out with her Fiance. I’m sorry to say this, but that’s the attitude of a future divorcee.

There’s that saying that “men come and go, your girls are forever.”  With marriage, the roles reverse. Your marriage is now the permanent relationship. Your friendships either fit around this or they don’t fit at all.

Post # 30
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

TeresaBenedicta :  I find it amusing you seem to know all for successful marriages. I wasn’t aware we had an expert for all marriages especially in relating to how marriages handle friendships. I’m also curious to where you get your 99% statistic.

I did not say count on Ed nor that Ed would be involved in setting boundaries. I said fiancé should count on OP as his partner and one he should trust. Obviously boundaries are made by her and her husband jointly. Trust should be there that she can oversee those boundaries. However, if that person isn’t affecting any reasonably set boundary then, no, there’s no evidence to speak of to harm that relationship or put expectations on the OP to exclude it from her life. OP’s husband should be able to come to her at anytime to discuss any issues or things he may feel OP doesn’t realize but they both should be able to examine if those issues have merit. If they do, yes, OP should be putting her fiancé first.

Sounds like Ed has made himself fit around their marriage. So, the only issue is why fiancé still wants Ed not there at all. My opinion stays the same. Sorry to disappoint you or not live up to your ideal of most marriages.

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