Speck_ : Maybe we’re just talking past each other. How can I lay things out so they are clear?
If a friend of yours is causing serious anxiety and suffering to your Fiance, and damaging your marriage relationship – and lets say you tried a bunch of different things, discussions, boundary setting, etc., with no resolution to the conflict – what do you do?
A. End the friendship, at FI’s request
B. Tell Fiance he is being unreasonable; it’s his problem, he doesn’t get to say who you’re friends with
I would choose option A. I interpet some of the posts here to say that my choice of option A is letting my Fiance control me, dictate my relatonships etc. “Can’t believe you would do that!” I reject that framing.
My interpretation is that many Bees here on this thread would choose option B. That, to me, suggets a person is willing to put their friendships above their marriage, and above their Fiance.
If it comes down to a choice between the well-being of your FI/marriage and a friendship, what do you do? If it comes down to a choice between your career and the well-being of your FI/marriage, what do you do?
When there is a conflict yes, there’s talking, there’s an effort to resolve the conflict. But sometimes it boils down to a decision about priorities. My Fiance is deployed frequently. If at any point the strain on our marriage becomes too great, I will expect him to put our relationship ahead of his career. Ahead of friends. Yes, even ahead of his mother! Whether he thinks it is “fair” or not.
I know my FI’s career is important to him – as are his friendships, and his relationship with his mother most of all – so I would not ask him to take my side unless it is a big deal. It’s not “I’m tired of you deploying, it’s annoying, can’t you quit?” It’s “I’m so lonely and isolated, I fall into depression whenever you deploy, I can’t go on this way anymore.” See the difference?
I realize this isn’t the OPs situation with the wedding guest list – but I’m trying to explain what I meant by the power of veto – because I think it is being interpreted as some weirdo control thing. If the choice is between my marriage and my friendships, I choose my marriage. And I expect Fiance to do the same.