I want to invite guy friend my fiancé HATES.

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 46
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

ellec54 :  I’m surprised it hasn’t been brought up yet but…have you actually talked to your Fiance about this? In-depth?

I think it’s obvious that he’s at least insecure about your friendship with Ed. Ed is someone with whom you share a particular common ground that your Fiance can’t relate to, someone who shares good chemistry and history and who has explicitly expressed romantic interest in you in the past. That’s a lot to be insecure about. But I don’t see that insecurity as your responsibility.

So I would talk to him. What are his concerns about the friendship? Has he witnessed anything he percevied as inappropriate or disrespectful to either of you? What’s the source of a ‘gut feeling’? Does he have concerns about Ed’s character? Don’t let him be vague. He’s certainly had enough time to think about it so he can give you a better response than ‘I don’t like him.’ I don’t buy the whole seeing-things-you’re-not (and not ever mentioning it to you?) thing and I think he needs to puzzle out for himself, if he hasn’t already, why he feels threatened by an old friend. 

Post # 47
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

What if you pitch it to your fiance as a chance to show Ed how taken and in love you are… haha but really!

Of course every relationship needs boundaries, but a wedding invitation isn’t flirting or hanging out with Ed without your fiance or suchlike – it’s kind of the opposite.

Hopefully you two can reach an agreement. It sounds like you can see his point of view already, which is great, but it might be good for his peace of mind if he were able to let go of some of his hatred and take this opportunity to allow Ed to be part of your lives within specific boundaries.

Post # 49
Member
6590 posts
Bee Keeper

I dont 100% agree with fiance feelings > friend. If my Fiance was being irrationally jealous – of anyone – I don’t think that is my friends problem. My Fiance doesnt get to say who I’m friends with, nor do I get to say who HE is friends with. I cant believe there are people in this thread that would do that to their partner.

I’d be on your FIs side if he had an actual reason. But just irrational jealousy? Nah, my friend, my side of the guest list.

Post # 50
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

ellec54 :  I’m also going to go against the grain here. As important as FI’s feelings are,  I have always been one not to drop friends who have been by your side for a long time. I hate to be negative and I wish all Bees long and prosperous marriages, but the reality is, 50% of marriages end in divorce. And then there are other traumatic situations which could result in a situation where Bees need their friends’ love and support. 

I would totally agree with most of the Bees if he was inappropriate or otherwise did something to give your Fiance an actual reason to hate him. But it seems he did not, it seems he was in fact respectful towards your relationship. 

I am very independant and do not allow my FI’s feelings dictate who I can and cannot be friends with. He trusts me to know when I have to set boundaries or cut off ties with someone because of their behaviour towards me. It is not fair for the friend to be a victim of your fiancé’s (irrational) feelings of jealousy. It is also situations like these that can lend to a man developing a sense of control over his partner. 

Post # 51
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

jellybellynelly :  really?  I’m assuming your Fiance is like mine, and wouldn’t ever ask you to end a friendship unless there were a serious problem. So – your friend is causing suffering, anxiety, division, and damage to your married relationship – your Fiance still doesn’t get to ask you to drop your friend, for the sake of your marriage?

What if the roles were reversed.  How about your FI’s long-term friend confesses she is carrying a torch – and your Fiance finds her funny and cool and good-looking, the way friends frequently do? 

Or what if you notice every time your Fiance hangs out with his friend, a male or female friend, he comes home angry or drunk. How about you find out your Fiance + friend ocassionally drive drunk when they hang out?  How about you notice your FI’s friend has gotten into drug dealing or opened a meth lab? Your Fiance wants to keep his friend, and expects to because after all  “You don’t get to say who I’m friends with!”

my advice: Don’t get married if you plan to prioritize your friendships over your marriage. And never marry a dude who is willing to put his friends before you. I have plenty of friends. I am marrying the friend who puts me #1, and who I want to put #1, for life.

Post # 52
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You need to imagine if the scenario was reversed with your Fiance and a girl you were certain had feelings for him, had professed that’s the case previously, they have a connection about interests you wouldn’t get….

Fiance > Ed

edit: after reading your last post im even more convinced. Your Fiance isn’t having “irrational jealousy” it’s very rational in fact. He declared his feelings for you and makes zero effort to befriend your Fiance. Sounds rude.

Post # 53
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

wawa92017 :  50% of first marriages do not end in divorce FYI. 

Post # 54
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

TeresaBenedicta :  

“Actually I don’t think it’s healthy for a significant other to dictate your other relationships.”

“So if your friend was a clone of Hitler who was skinning human babies and biting the heads off live kittens in front of you and telling you to do it too and your husband had a problem with it, you would pick the friend? Wow.”

?? What even is this strawman scenario you’ve set up? Meth lab? You don’t need to justify your relationship dynamics to anyone but you sound deranged trying to prove that anyone who cirticizes your advice is crazy or evil. Per OP’s post none of this is applicable to her dilemma–Ed’s greatest ‘offense’ is being a sounding board for poetry and being honest about his feelings one time. 

Post # 55
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

If I had read this in reverse, I would say SO over friend. So same advice here, sorry bee you’re FIs feelings are more important than Eds.  

Post # 56
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

 

Speck_ :  Maybe we’re just talking past each other. How can I lay things out so they are clear?

If a friend of yours is causing serious anxiety and suffering to your Fiance, and damaging your marriage relationship – and lets say you tried a bunch of different things, discussions, boundary setting, etc., with no resolution to the conflict – what do you do? 

A. End the friendship, at FI’s request
B. Tell Fiance he is being unreasonable; it’s his problem, he doesn’t get to say who you’re friends with

I would choose option A. I interpet some of the posts here to say that my choice of option A is letting my Fiance control me, dictate my relatonships etc. “Can’t believe you would do that!”  I reject that framing.

My interpretation is that many Bees here on this thread would choose option B. That, to me, suggets a person is willing to put their friendships above their marriage, and above their Fiance.

If it comes down to a choice between the well-being of your FI/marriage and a friendship, what do you do? If it comes down to a choice between your career and the well-being of your FI/marriage, what do you do?

When there is a conflict yes, there’s talking, there’s an effort to resolve the conflict. But sometimes it boils down to a decision about priorities.  My Fiance is deployed frequently. If at any point the strain on our marriage becomes too great, I will expect him to put our relationship ahead of his career. Ahead of friends. Yes, even ahead of his mother!  Whether he thinks it is “fair” or not.

I know my FI’s career is important to him – as are his friendships, and his relationship with his mother most of all – so I would not ask him to take my side unless it is a big deal. It’s not “I’m tired of you deploying, it’s annoying, can’t you quit?” It’s “I’m so lonely and isolated, I fall into depression whenever you deploy, I can’t go on this way anymore.” See the difference?

I realize this isn’t the OPs situation with the wedding guest list – but I’m trying to explain what I meant by the power of veto – because I think it is being interpreted as some weirdo control thing.  If the choice is between my marriage and my friendships, I choose my marriage. And I expect Fiance to do the same. 

 

Post # 57
Member
6590 posts
Bee Keeper

TeresaBenedicta :  I’m not marrying someone so controlling and manipulative who would ever suggest he start policing who I am friends with – especially friends before him. Sorry you feel like your FI/H has the right to do that, but that doesnt fly with us.

And thanks for your marriage advice. I think I’ll file that in the ‘trash’ folder though.

Post # 58
Member
6590 posts
Bee Keeper

TeresaBenedicta :  I also wanted to expand a bit on what you said, because one of your ‘crazy outrageous scenarios’ did happen with one of FIs friends. He got into some bad stuff, and got arrested. I never told Fiance to drop him. Fiance is one of the few good influences this guy had in his life. Instead of dropping him, I encouraged him to support him in his recovery and be ‘that person’ who he could call when he was in danger of relapsing or feeling low. They were friends since elementary school and it is not and will never be my decision who he keeps as a friend.

Friend has since recovered. Fiance and him are good friends. He is standing up with Fiance at our wedding.

Just because the friend is male or female shouldn’t make a difference IMO. A friend is a friend, and I trust my Fiance to tell me if *I* were being irrationally jealous, or put up the boundaries himself. Not my place to do that.

Post # 59
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

jellybellynelly :  cool

TeresaBenedicta :  But at the end of that wall of text you mention that “serious anxiety and suffering” etc etc is not relevant to the situation at hand, so…who is your rebuttal aimed at?

Post # 60
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

jellybellynelly :  it sounds like your FI’s recovering addict friend didn’t cause serious anxiety, stress, or damage to your relationship even in the midst of his addiction spiral. It sounds like you handled it well and it didn’t put very much stress on your relationship with your Fiance. That’s great. 

Now imagine you and your Fiance didn’t handle it well.  That’s the situation I’m talking about.

 

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