I want to invite guy friend my fiancé HATES.

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 61
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Speck_ :  My rebuttal is aimed at the people who said my “power of veto over friendships” thing is weird, controlling, or manipulative in some way. See above.

Post # 62
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

We had a situation a little like this.

My fiance has a friend, R, who he knows from uni. When I met my fiance, he, R and the best man all lived together. Over the time they lived together, R borrowed money from my fiance and the best man and wouldn’t pay it back (he prioritised fancy dinners and looking like he was wealthy to all of his other friends over paying back the friends who actually supported him). It’s not a small amount of money – his debt with both of them is in the thousands and in three years, he has made one small repayment to each of them – barely even trying to repay his debt.

R was not on our original guest list as R does not like me and I despise him. Recently, my fiance had a change of heart and said he would like him there. At first, I said that I supported his decision and if it would give him joy to have R there, then he could invite him, however I wasn’t particularly happy about having someone at my wedding who explicitly does not like me. My fiance and the best man talked it through and the best man said that if it was his wedding, he would invite him as the history they all share with R would overrule the shitty stuff R had done to them. I said (and this has been echoed by other female friends of the guys who know the situation and the best man’s mum) that what he did direspected the history of the friendship first.

Anyway, after a few days of thinking about it my fiance and I had a heart to heart where I said that the idea of R being at my wedding made me anxious and not excited about my own wedding day. I’ve put a lot of effort into this wedding and the thought of him being there made me feel sick, that I didn’t want him to share in our day and that I wasn’t ok with him being there. I said that if he wanted to send some extra invitations out to other friends, that was ok, just not to this guy. My fiance said that’s all he needed to hear and the decision was made.

I’m not vetoing who he should be friends with, however I think the feelings of BOTH people getting married are more important than a guest who doesn’t even bother to make an effort with one half of the couple. 

Post # 63
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

Sign me up as another one who thinks your Fiance is being a jerk about this. I mean, he’s basically admitting he doesn’t 100% trust you right? Even if it’s unconcious his hatred of Ed seems to imply that he not only believes Ed likes you still but also that if he keeps in close proximity to you he might have a shot. That would really bother me.

I’m also going to say that I think if you were the one on here asking if it was okay to ban one of your FI’s friends who might like him from the wedding despite his wishes you would be getting totally opposite responses and you’d be called unreasonable. He needs to think about your feelings too. Women are so often ordered to compromise our feelings and desires in favor of men’s and there usually just isn’t the same expectation of hem.

Don’t be like Mike Pence and his wife; never eating alone at the same table as someone of the opposite gender ever again. You should be able to have opposite gender friends if you want them.

Post # 64
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

My fiance wants his girl best friend at the wedding… i was against it but when i met her i thought she’s not that bad, if its to make him happy than i’m ok with it. but also i have a guy best friend and he didnt invite me to his wedding because of his wife and i i’m not inviting him either to respect my Fiance

Post # 67
Member
9417 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This dude wanted to/wants to bone you.

That would be a hard Nope on the invite from me.

If it were a completely platonic relationship that would be different.

Post # 68
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ellec54 :  Don’t do it.  I would be so upset if I were him.

Post # 69
Member
49 posts
Newbee

It’s your fiance’s day too. If it were another event I’d say he should get over it but you only get married once (knock on wood) and your partner deserves to have people there who he is comfortable with too. If the shoe was on the other foot would you honestly say that you’d be okay with him inviting a lady that you don’t care for and who has previoulsy admitted feelings for him? 

I know I would definitely not be keen on that and it has nothing to do with trust between my partner and I.

Post # 70
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

To me this is clear: friend does not get invited.  Also, Ed isn’t really your friend anymore.  He’s a guy who has a romantic interest in you who is simply waiting around for his turn to come.  Your fiance’s feelings are well founded.

I know this probably wasn’t an easy post to write – it’s so easy for people to call your fiance controlling and/or jealous than to actually acknowledge the tension of the situation.  Best of luck.

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