(Closed) I WANT to marry him but I’m scared SUPER LONG

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve known people like that, that just lie. Not really to deceive, but just because. Usually to entertain (like the funny thing you said–that you never said). The dad/grandpa thing doesn’t sound like a big deal; he may have just misspoken. But I think that might be a sign of how bad the lying is, if the first thing you think is that he’d deliberately BS you on that for no reason.

I think it’s good you’re in couples counseling. And it’s great that he’s willing to do this with you. A lot of the time, one partner or the other is really resistant and refuses to get that kind of help. These are all issues that you should raise in your counseling. I think you should see how the counseling changes your relationship before you make a decision on whether or not to marry this man.

 

Post # 4
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@feelinglost11: It sounds like you’re on the right path with couples’ counseling and while I’ve never had to go to it myself (knock on wood) I can see its benefit if you and he stick to it in the long run. Voice your concerns, just as you have here, during your individual sessions. However little these concerns may see, they are still valid concerns because things just don’t add up. You should be able to feel at ease with your man, not having to check up on him here and there. It sounds like he has some great qualities but if something is eating away at you, you must confront it, no matter how small. Though these may or may not be little white lies, all it takes is a little crack to grow into a bunch of little cracks and eventually big cracks in your relationship. Wee if you can find a way to confront him on all these little things before you marry. Just sit down that one afternoon with a counselor and go through your laundry list once and for all. Address it all, and then once it is all addressed, you will need to leave it behind. For your peace of mind moving forward, this is the only way to clear the air in a safe environment where there is a mediator, etc. and before you make a huge commitment. Good luck!

Edit: One more thought…do you think he is a compulsive liar? Perhaps you can address this with your counselor or find a way to find out if he is and needs help.

Post # 6
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t marry him until you trust him 100%. I dated a guy who was like that where he would lie about stupid things…like say he had to work late or his tire popped when he was really skateboarding with his friend (which I wouldn’t have cared about…) He ended up having a complete double life and cheating on me with a few different girls and had a secret myspace…

Now, I don’t think that he’s gone that far, but you need to be sure before you marry him, not after. And therapy will help with that. Some people just get confused and end up lying because they just say whatever pops into their head. Some people (like my ex) are more devious. But you deserve to know who you’re with and about who he’s paying money to or if he smokes. He doesn’t seem like he’s hiding things, which is good, but it’s hard to trust 100% when there are so many little things that pile up, even if they aren’t important.

Definitely stick with therapy. It’s awesome that he’s participating too.

Post # 7
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him.  Period.  Do you really want to be finding proverbial lighters in the sock for the rest of your life?  In other words, do you really have the time and patience to deal with questioning everything this man tells you? 

I think that counseling is a good step, but honestly I don’t know if there is help for compulsive liars.  If you really love him and want to hang in there and make it work, kudos to you.  I couldn’t do it.  My ex was a liar like that.. he would like about stuff to cover his ass, of course, but then there were lies that didn’t even really matter.. like some of the stuff you’ve noted.  THEN he would lie about his family and people dying.  Supposedly he was a twin, but his brother was killed when they were 16.. his mom was also killed.. the list goes on.  Then there was the story about him being bitten by a snake when he was young and the venom combined with his blood caused him to be immune to all types of diseases, illnesses, Save-The-Date Cards, etc.  Lmao.. like he seriously lied about EVERYTHING.

The point is, if you think that this is something that you two can work through go for it.  But don’t feel bad if you want to leave either.  This is a tough one.  I, myself, couldn’t do it, so I commend anyone who is willing to.  I need someone who already has the basics down.. I know that no one is perfect, but I have to have someone honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal, and with a good heart.  Those are the basics… if you don’t have them, I don’t have the time to help you develop them.

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have never been the type to trust someone 100%.  Because in all reality we are all humans and can decide to make a poor decision or choice at any point in our lives.  However, I would heed the warning signs and the “red flags”.  Red flags are NEVER good.  They are most of the time indicators of your future.  If you see them now, they will only be magnified after marriage.  I was once with someone exactly like you described. He lied over very “little” meaningless things.  And I learned the hard way that if a man will lie over stupid little things then he is also capable and likely to lie about the bigger things. I would recommend you trust your gut.  A woman’s intuition is often very strong. 

Post # 10
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

@feelinglost11:   What state did your previous liar live in?  He sounds scarily similar to a guy I met online and used to be involved with.  He’d tell me he was coming to see me.  I’d clean my house and get ready for him to come, go out and buy things that he requested be in the house for his trip.  Then, on the day of, he would just stop talking to me.  I wouldn’t hear from him again for weeks, then he’d tell me his car broke down or something.  Turns out he was in jail some of those times…

You can’t blame yourself for suspecting your Fiance of lying.  He lies to you.  When someone lies to me, I never trust them fully again.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t marry him (at least he hasn’t lied about having a sick kid!), counseling is definitely the way to go.  It is clear you both have stuff that a therapist might be able to work out.  Your relationships IS salvagable.  I just wish you wouldn’t blame yourself.  He put you in the position of having to question him when he lied to you multiple times.

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