- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
We’ve been together 4+ years and lived together for most of that time. I wont say it’s been an easy 4 yrs, we’ve had some struggles but worked through a lot of them. I’ve always considered him my best friend
We are to be married next spring and I’ve been really looking forward to it until recently. You know what they say…red flags, listen to your gut, etc.. but I’m not sure if that’s right either.
Fiance has always been a kind, caring, sensitive & mostly selfless man. Most of the time I look at him in amazement that I got so lucky. Everyone loves him, especially me. On to the flaws..he hasn’t always been 100% honest with me. Some of it was stuff that he knew I’d be mad about (dumb stuff) but I could at least understand that he was trying to avoid conflict. He has also been dishonest with me or others about shit that doesn’t even matter, crap that we wouldn’t care about either way. I’ve never ever doubted his fidelity or anything major but the lil white lies has caused some trust issues.
We’ve had other issues too, alcohol doesn’t agree well with him and this is something we openly discuss without arguments and no alcohol is kept in our home. He seems to be just fine when we’re in social settings but if he has a couple after work or at home in the garage (when we kept beer here), it almost always led to an argument between us and then he wasn’t so pleasant.
Lastly we have had some intimacy issues. He isn’t always very forthcoming with showing his attraction to me and that’s hard for me to handle sometimes but this goes in spurts. I believe a lot of it stems from stress, my own issues and obviously some he has going on. No I don’t for a second believe he is cheating, call me crazy but I truly believe he is 100% faithful
Now, I’m not perfect by any means and have plenty of issues myself. I can be controlling, overbearing, easily stressed & overwhelmed.
A couple of weeks ago we started couples counseling because we both want to improve our relationship. We both have low self esteem (me because of my weight) and his I believe it stems from him being adopted and may be among other things) We are both under a lot of stress and we also have a toddler with medical issues that adds to this. So far the counseling has just been one on one meetings and gathering info so we haven’t really gotten into a lot yet.
I thought we were really on the right path and have been confident about it all. My thoughts on marriage is that you work through your issues, I’ve seen way too much divorce and don’t want to go there myself. I don’t believe the grass is always greener and want to do whatever it takes to make this work. No, we’re not married yet but we already said we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together so I feel we should be doing what it takes to make that happen.
Well just these past couple weeks things have been off between us. Again, lots of stress, our child is nearing surgery and his father was hospitalized. He just seems distant and crabby. Then there were a couple of instances where I got the pit in my gut feeling of being lied to.
Example: our child’s friend told me that he heard the comment I said about him . (My fiance works with his dad) but I had never said that comment (it was a funny comment, just irrelevant to this story). I questioned fiance and he said “no, what I said was…” it made sense but it lingers in my gut that he’s full of it. The comment was something I could care less about but I get an overwhelming feeling he’s lying. Sometimes I honestly think I’m crazy and paranoid!!!
Another example; there is a man that had lent fiance money years before me and we had been paying on it monthly up until our child’s medical issues came about. I have had no issues with it and I was told that this man was a relative of a friend of his (the friend was a female from another state where he used to live and she was in love with him although they never dated) I couldn’t tell you what he told me the exact relation was between her and the man and it didn’t matter. The girl continued to be friends with him (I had no problem with it) until I got pregnant, she hated him and quit contacting him. She tried to reconnect with both of us about a yr ago but we both ignored her emails.
Well he just told me that a mutual friend informed him that this girls grandpa was dying and that was the guy we had paid the money too. I said oh I didn’t realize that was her grandpa. It honestly didn’t matter to me and I wasn’t upset in the least. Until now I just looked her up on facebook because I was merely curious if he had in fact passed now or what the situation was. Per her facebook it’s her DAD that is dying. Sooo wtf is that all about? Why would he say her grandpa if it’s her dad. Again, it doesn’t matter either way so why lie about something so stupid?
There’s the pit in the gut again. I’ve talked to a lot of friends some that are my “tell it like it is” friends and they all seem to disregard these things. Some say, he’s just avoiding you getting upset, or he’s just trying to make things sound better to impress others or himself. Some say I have commitment issues and find reasons for it not to work.
There are times I feel that I have become paranoid or untrusting and that I make accusations without case. Yet there are times it’s obvious that there is reason to be upset (like this grandpa/dad story).
I want nothing more than to have a happy family and make this work for everyone. I want to work through my own issues so that I’m not such a controlling nag that is never happy and always stressing him out yet I need him to be 100% honest with me ALL the time so that I’m not untrusting.
For me personally, the intimacy issue is something we have anc can work through, the drinking is something we can work through but I dont know how to work through the white lies.
What I’m looking for from you bees is some hope that this can work out. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and can’t imagine him not in my life. Can the couples counselor really help him with this? We’ve come so far and have such a beautiful family but this is eating me up.