Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I am 33 and he is 30. We have been living together for a year officially, and unofficially closer to two. I love him and am so happy in our relationship. And I believe he feels the same. We have a great life together, want the same things in life, and get along amazingly with each other’s friends and families. When we officially moved in a year ago, I told him I wanted to start discussing marriage at the 1.5 year mark. And so I brought it up at that time, and all he could say is that he wasn’t ready, didn’t know why he wasn’t ready, and didn’t know when he would be ready. So he agreed to think about it and we would discuss it again a couple months later. We did and he still had nothing. I do not know why he wouldn’t be ready — we know each other completely, both have great careers and savings, and generally act like a married couple already. We have experienced everything together: deaths, marriages, job unhappiness, new jobs, vacations, road trips, you name it. And over the last couple months, I have grown deeply unhappy and fearful that I am wasting my time and fertility on a man who will never commit. I’ve begun to get more emotional and upset, basically begging him to give me a reason to stay. And now he just shuts down and gets really angry – yelling, calling me names, telling me to shut up, and, most painfully, screaming that he will never marry me. He calms down and apologizes, but the damage is done. This is literally the only time he has ever acted like this, and this is the only thing we ever fight about. I’m not even asking for a proposal, just some indication that we have a future and this relationship is going somewhere. But he gives me absolutely nothing and I am at my wits end. I love him, but I am miserable and just about ready to walk away. But I’m also 33, living in New York City where dating is basically hell for women, and may not ever find what I want at all. But at the same time, I do not want to spend my life with a man who won’t commit to me. And certainly not one who can be so hurtful when I try to discuss our future. I am pretty sure I have to leave, but any advice would be much appreciated.
Post # 2
Believe him when he is showing you who he is. He won’t marry you. Mature men who have interest in marriage don’t behave that way.
Post # 3
I’m going to tell you what I tell everyone in these situations: Find someone who truly values you as a person, who can’t wait to marry you. But first, leave this bum and take good care of yourself. You deserve better!
Post # 4
He doesn’t want to marry you that’s clear. Do you want to stay with him and forget being married? It sounds like his screaming at you isn’t conducive to a happy relationship.
Post # 5
Don’t stay with this guy just because dating sucks.
Post # 6
He is telling you everything you need to know. He will not marry you and has no intention of marrying you. Walk away now. He isn’t lying to keep you around; you are lying to yourself.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion
Consider NYC a blessing! Dating can be miserable, but you’ve got the biggest pond! You will absolutely find someone who treats you the way you deserve (hint: this guy isn’t doing that!)
Post # 8
Don’t waste your time on a man that calls you names. That is not what you deserve.
Post # 9
I would have been understanding if he would talk through his reasons for not wanting to get married yet and wait…2 years isn’t a super long time to wait. However, the fact that he yells and gets mean and treats you poorly when it comes up is inexcusable. You want to marry someone who is a good person and can handle conflict and will talk through your problems as a couple.
Post # 10
I wasin a very similar place less than 2 years ago, bee. I was dating a verbally abusive alcoholic and was 33. I was tempted to “settle” for him because I wasn’t sure if I would find anyone else. I finally decided I had had enough and I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I ended it and a month later (minus 4 days) I met my fiancé.
You deserve better. It’s one thing to be unsure, it’s another thing to be unsure and mean about it.
Post # 11
Even if he does want to marry you, do you want to marry a man who calls you names and screams at you when you try to discuss your future together? Where is the open communication, the honest discussion or the partnership in that?
Post # 12
It sounds like he’s been telling you the truth – he’s not ready, he’s not tuned into himself enough to know why, and he’s showing you his true self when you’re fighting.
You deserve someone who loves you, wants to marry you, and wants to have kids with you, and you can definitely find that in the city! I live in NYC and I met my guy, and although we’re CFBC, we are so, so happy together. It’s possible, and although I had a lot of *first* dates, it worked out.
Long story short, you might have a lot of first dates, but you’ll find the right guy 🙂
Post # 13
Nope. Name calling and yelling are deal breakers. Flush this one.
Post # 14
His words and actions are telling you he is not interested in marriage. I can understand why you want to see hope, and how you must feel right now, but I think that he’s being clear.
You’re not the first or the last person to feel this way. I understand from first-hand experience how daunting it is to think about dating again when you’ve spent so much time building a relationship with someone you love. But there’s a whole world out there. I don’t think staying with this guy is going to leave you happy, bee.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
Im sorry OP, a man who refuses to discuss pertinant future plans with you, then yells, calls you names, tells you to shut up or screaming “I will never marry you” is not worth another moment of your time. Thats absolutely horrifying. I cant imagine experincing an SO treat me like that and it not altering the way I feel about him. Thats verbal abuse and its not OK. He’s showing you exactly who he is, and you need to believe him. I’m sorry that dating in your area is so hellish, but sounds like a marriage with this man might also be not so great. Find a man who values your feelings, can have rational discussions when he’s uncomfortable and respects you.