(Closed) I want to marry him, but think I need to walk away. Please help.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

People are usually on their very best behaviour when relationships begin. They are trying to impress the other, they are showing the best of themselves. In the long run, none of that matters. ANYONE can be amazing and “treat you like gold” when things are fresh and new, when you are still someone they are trying to impress.

In my experience SOME people take effort to be very real in these early stages, but many aren’t that self-aware and honest yet.

What matters is how they are when the honeymoon stage passes, when reality sets in, when they realize you too are a human being, when the REAL conversations happen. If he gets this upset over even the topic of marriage, which should be an exciting topic if you two are on the same path, then what do you think will happen in the future with issues that are usually much more difficult ones to face together?

You should aspire to find better than what you had with him in the future. Better because your desires to spend your life together, to be married, will be reciprocated, because you will be respected, cherished, even if you bring up the topic of marriage. You can indeed find this out there.

 

Post # 32
Member
691 posts
Busy bee

So sorry you’re going through this. The Bee is a good place for advice, but sometimes it’s hard to implement. Sometimes you can’t just “leave,” but that’s usually the dept of most people’s advice.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. You just need to figure out how to do it. Sit him down and tell him everything. Tell him he can talk when you get done. Read him your post. Don’t leave anything out. Tell him your plan to leave the relationship when there’s an opening in the conversation. Don’t back down. Manipulative people are great at “coming around” when they think you’ll leave. Just hang tough. If he starts yelling or gets otherwise abusive, walk out. Have a friend come back with you when he’s not home to help you move. It may be a few days before you get to this point, but you can prepare by looking for another roommate and slowly moving some things out.

Post # 33
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee

I know this sucks to hear–I’ve been through it no less than 3 times. But he doesn’t want to marry you. A man just feels it–about the timing, the girl, the dynamic. It’s not an analytical thing or a common sense thing for him. One or more of these things is not there for him, even if it is for you. He’s not feeling it and that’s all he needs to know. But he is comfortable enough with the marriage-free perks he has with you so he will stay as long as you let him, as long as it isn’t too rocky, or until he tires of the relationship. What’s worse, he has likely lost respect for you because you stay–he knows he has you no matter how he treats you or how much he defies your ideas of a happy future/life. He knows you aren’t putting yourself first/caring for yourself first and that you won’t leave–this breeds contempt.

Please do yourself a favor and leave before he does. It will feel better when you steer your own ship. It will be the hardest thing you’ve done, but later you will realize you’ve gained self-respect and strength because if it. And if you leaving is not what he really wants–he will get in touch with you. Then you’ll have to decide if you want to be with someone who only realizes your value in his life when you’re absent.

Post # 34
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

 You shouldn’t stay with him. He will keep hurting you. Imagine if you get married and he wants out every time you guys argue.

Post # 35
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I am sorry you lost those years with this guy. I hope you understand he is not worth it spending more years with him.

Post # 36
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

I’m in a similiar situation. You’re not alone. I’m 26 and he’s 29, together 3 years, I moved 1000 miles for him, and have lived together for 1 year. 3 months now. My guy also either shuts down or gets angry and says hurtful things when we discuss marriage and it is also the main thing we fight about. The problem is that we’re not married…if we were that fighting would not even exist because the topic would be nonexistent …

 

we are actually in the middle of thinking about things, possibly breaking up or going onward if he can figure out what he wants. I don’t even know what’s going on right now….

 

but i feel you. We have to put our foot down. It’s so hard when we love our men and they may love us too big enough is enough. No relationship is perfect, so if our men want to step up to the plate and at least DISCUSS our future jointly in a calm mature let alone happy manner, great! Our wounds can heal and we will work toward marriage. If not, we both owe it to ourselves to move on.

 

Youre not alone girl ….

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