(Closed) i want to rip my hair out … FMIL blues

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, I don’t really know what to tell you. This sounds like an impossible situation that you don’t have any control over. My only advice is to talk to Fiance and let him know you can not keep this up. Maybe her children can have a meeting and discuss how they can get through to her. Maybe talking to her siblings would halp as well. It seems she is just trying to feel needed and is having a hard time not being able to see all of her kids at once like she is used to.

Post # 5
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

first of all the biggest **HUGGGS** to you for your efforts in this arduous relationship.

honestly, when i read your post, i felt like i was reading about the next new korean soap opera. it’s a haunted stereotype, but unfortunately like your situation, it is all too common in the ‘asian world’… the wrath of the ‘mother in law’… esp when it’s their son your marrying!! (as in MIL’s aren’t as bad to new son-in-law’s)

i don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law has any rhyme or reason to the way she treats you or behaves. i think it’s a nagging gene that asian women are born with… and her stubborn i’m sure is a force to be wreckoned with…

at this point in the juncture, i think you Future Sister-In-Law and your Fiance should all have a talk about what needs to be done in the future. like you said, her own daughter goes through the same thing (albeit, i’m sure it’s not as bad as when Future Mother-In-Law is with you).

your Future Mother-In-Law may not like it, but the three of you need to do what it takes to make YOUR lives comfortable as well as taking into consideration your FMIL’s needs.

it is definitely a fine line between caring about YOUR own life, esp with the responsibility of taking on the happiness of your elders… i’m not sure if there’s a common ground that your Future Mother-In-Law will take to… but you have to little by little soften the blow!

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

OMG, I can’t even finish reading that.  Its making me upset for you!  You have to speak up.  You do not deserve to live like that!  She is horrible, I don’t think I’ve heard of much worse as far as FMIL’s go.  Your Fiance needs to stick up for you too.  Oh man, good luck!  I hope things improve 🙂

Post # 7
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I really don’t have any words of wisdom, as I grew up in a much different culture. Sorry!

All I can tell you is that if this were me, I would be politely kicking her out on her butt, because there’d be no way I would endure that in my own home. But of course I understand that that would be extremely unacceptable with your cultures.

I hope that you come to an arrangement that everyone is happy with! I really feel for you!

Post # 9
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Cultural differences aside, I’d be giving my Fiance a swift smack to the head if he said “what if it were your parents?” again. Because my parents would have more respect, and they wouldn’t pull that kind of shit. He needs to listen to you, because it’s your house too.

Post # 10
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Im with LaborofLove.  I would NOT deal with this if it were my parents either.  Im not Asian, but cultural differences aside, this behavior is completely unacceptable.  This is YOUR HOME.  Personally, Id get snarky and tell her that she is alienating you as a couple AND her daughters family by imposing in their homes.  Tell her you would be more than welcoming if she would finally accept that you are a part of the family and that you and SIL have your own families to care for now.  If she doesnt like it, too bad.  She is clearly very defensive and doesnt get the small hints, I think its going to take drastic measures.  She is being WAY out of line, I feel horribly for you.  This is a nightmare

Post # 12
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My mom had a pretty hard time with hers and my dad’s divorce as well, but she FULLY respects boundaries and knows what is appropriate and what is not.  That is no excuse.  Yes, its a less than ideal situation for her, but that is no reason for her to alienate you and his sister in your own homes.   I can see if the divorce was very recent, her needing a support system.  But 7 years later, she should have the pieces picked up enough to be independent in life.

If she is tired of being alone, get a dog.  Her children need their own time to develop THEIR families.  Like I said, no excuse. 

Post # 13
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow, sounds like he’s making excuses for her. Sorry, I just think that your Fiance has given you all the info you need–either you put up with this for the rest of your life, or you should take some time to reevaluate. No one deserves this and I think your Fiance has been selfish for long enough. take some time for you, and figure out what it is you truly want. You’re obviously not happy with the situation, but now, this will be your family life if you do marry him.

Good luck. I wish I had better advice. It’s just a shame that everyone is being impossible to get along with/do anything about this situation

Post # 15
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

You really can’t change her so the attempts to help her get her life together while well intentioned are very unlikely to work.  What you can do is controle your own life. 

You need to have this out with your Fiance.  Ask him, what if it was my parents that were treating you terribly and making you miserable?  Would you put up with being miserable for months for my parents?  Dollars to donuts he wouldn’t.  This isn’t about taking care of her because she is unable to take care of herself – this is about making her happy at the expense of your happiness.  Ask him, will you do this to me, devalue my happiness for the rest of my life?  How can you commit to spending your life with someone who doesn’t value your happiness?  Hell, remind him how many divorces are partially because of MILs. 

This is your house and you do not have to put up with this.

You can tell her that this is your house and your clothes and she is not welcome to borrow them.  That she is being rude and disrespectful and you do not wish her in your home until she is capable of behaving like a human being.  Is your name on the apartment? 

She only has the power you give her.  Do not give her any power.  Yes she will call you a bitch – whatever.  You have a right to the life that you want.

Post # 16
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

If he insists on having her in his house I’d move the fuck out.  Maybe continue to date him.  See how that goes.  It seems extreme and a farce but… sometimes that’s what you have to do.  You do not want to do this for the rest of your life. 

Also I bet the Future Mother-In-Law will respect you more if you do stand up to her.

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