- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2011
this is a really long vent so bare with me! basically im having major issues with my Future Mother-In-Law and i really REALLY need some insight and opinions on how i should handle my situation.
all the years that mr cucpcake and i have been together, she has never quite had a liking to me. it took 3 years before she acknowledged that i was in her sons life and refused to speak to me at all. everytime i tried to talk to her she would answer me with one word answers and pretend i never existed. back then i always thought it was just because i was much younger than mr cupcake (we have an 11 year difference) and it was purely a clash of different cultures. (they are chinese, im eurasian)
anyhow, about a year ago mr cupcake and i moved to london and his sister moved to the US. before the two ‘left the nest’ they were living with their mother together– as well as his sisters brother in law. the 3 of them are over 30 btw. anyway, Future Mother-In-Law didnt like the idea of living by herself (she is divorced and heavily dependant on her children, she doesnt like to be abandoned..even though staying behind meant having all her family around and she has a extremely close relationship with her neighbours not to mention all her friends..) so she decided to tag along with mr cupcakes sister and husband. on the pretense that should would look after their young baby.
okay.. fine and dandy right? wrong.
just before their move to the US, Future Mother-In-Law decided she wanted to live 6 months of the year with mr cupcake and I in london. this was a major blow to me as A. youve been a complete cow to me for 4 years and NOW you want to live with me???? B. unlike his sister it was the first time we were living together as a couple and we dont have children and the big one, NOT MARRIED YET! i was deeply upset and tried to speak to Fiance about it, however although he was understanding towards my feelings.. he would always ask ‘what if it was your parents? would u leave them?’ being half asian myself, i understand the responsibilities of children when their parents get older. but what i couldnt and CANT understand is, Future Mother-In-Law is 61, fit as a fiddle (energetic, mobile etc etc), newly retired and has 2 children who are still supporting her financially on top of her pension.
anyhow, long story short i told Fiance that it would be fine with me if she came to stay for a bit, but not for 6 months. i dont have a relationship with her, AT ALL. i dont feel comfortable to suddenly share my life with someone else, and i couldnt bare the thought of her ignoring me in my OWN home… to be frank, she doesnt really have a relationship with her children either. they do not communicate, as in, cant have a conversation that does not revolve around ‘whats for dinner’ or ‘eh im not back early tomorrow.’ but i guess, different strokes for different folks. The majority of mr and sister cupcakes memories are of their grandmother.
so she came, along with sister cupcake for a few weeks. it was the hardest weeks of my life. Future Mother-In-Law constantly undermined me. everytime i was doing house chores be it ironing or cleaning.. she would say ‘you are doing it wrong, let mother do it for son’ i was washing rice and she’d say ‘no no let me wash it you are doing it wrong..’ ive cooked rice pretty much my whole life, sigh. she gave me ‘permission’ to cook dinner as she was feeling tired too. she went so far as to go through my closest and re-arranged my things and put all of Fiance clothes in mine to leave the one he uses (in the spare room) empty for her things. no, she didnt ask. i came home from work and bumped into her and sister cupcake at the train station, she (AND sister cupcake) were wearing my clothes and shoes… no, they didnt ask. she’d pick up my handbags and say ‘wow, my son spoils you more than he spoils his mother.’ (even though i paid for those bags myself) If she did do laundry she would only pick out her sons clothes to wash and leave mine in the basket…
i just feel and felt completed invaded and uncomfrtable in my house. i would have a day off and sit at home to relax and she would nag at me telling im lazy and that i should get up and do something. it was awful. Fiance would come home and i would be in tears because i just cant handle feeling so awful in my own home. MY home. Fiance didnt do anything though, he said to just suck it up for a couple more days and wait for them to leave. he said he didnt want to upset his mother and doesnt like to be stuck in the middle. in his defense he totally comforted me and reassured me that eventually ‘when the time was right’ for him to explain to his mother what was wrong. he did say that everyone suffers the wrath of her nags, that before sh wouldnt talk to me and now even though its nagging, shes acknowledging my presence. (chinese Mother-In-Law and DIL by right of history, do NOT get along.. basically the DIL is slave to the MIL–no, not exaggerating, google it) the thign is..she is so lovely to everyoen else, to my friends etc.
since that first visit she has come another 4 times.. and its not getting better. before her latest trip she asked me to buy a list of groceries…stuff like milk, bread, butter, coffee, eggs.. stuff she KNOWS i always have at home!.
she washes her underwear (there is a chinese belief that says a women shouldnt wash their underwear with a mans in the washing machine.. it will bring the man bad luck–again, im all up for cultural differences but please, consider my culture too?) in my bathroom sink and proceeds to hang them on the radiater (in the bathroom) next to the clean hand towel for guests. she doesnt allow me to cook, at all or do any of the house hold chores. so i dont! gives me a break anyway! but then afterwards she will complain that she is really really tired and has so many things to do.. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) she constantly tells me and mr cupcake that she wants to travel europe, go on a tour etc.. so ive arranged a number of times for a her to take a trip, she just makjes excuses for me to cancel them. and says she too lonely to go by herself (our jobs dont permit us to take such long leave or even leave at the same time..). i tried to reassure her that she will meet new people and start a new life as an independent woman who now has the chance to live and enjoy herself in london and the states (she’s never lived anywhere except teh city they are from)! she didnt buy it. she said ‘no, i want to stay home and just watch tv all day…’
ive tried to talk to her about what she wants to do with the rest of the ‘good’ years of her life. and she says nothing… ive tried to encourage her to look at things differently and be excited for this new change. ive tried to reassure her that i understand hwo difficult changing countries and retiring is for someone.. realising that u are no longer a caregiver and that your children are now ‘grown up.’ she’ll say one day ‘im so independent i dont need to do things for my children, i enjoy doign nothing and only for myself’ and then ‘i never see my son, he is always working and every spare time he has he chooses to be with you…’ SIGH..
Fiance and i have let her be, but she just nags when we get home from work saying she is downright bored and feeling lonely because we are never at home….. i cant help but feel bitter. we are giving her wat she wants, but she still complains. according to sister cupcake, its the same on her side. I get so upset with Fiance sometimes because he doesnt do anything about it to help his mom, me or his sister. he just feels like that he should stay out of it and ‘its the way she is, you cant change her..’ he tried to talk to her a few times, but she just says ‘no, im fine. i dont want to do anythign with my life.’
she is much better off going back home and coming to visit once in a while, her brothesr and sisters are there. they see each other every weekend. on sundays she has chruch to go to and helps out with events. she has known her neighbours for over 20 years, they go out tgether etc. her friends and ex colleagues are there is well. she just cant seem to embrace her independence………… and then she’ll nag at me saying she cant take travelling so much between ldn, usa and sg but refuses to just stay in one place. sigh…
sigh………help…………….words of wisdom that will stop me from pulling my hair out and feeling so frustrated. =(