(Closed) I want to start over!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t know what it is about weddings that makes people think they have the right to be pushy, hurtful, and entirely in someone else’ business. ๐Ÿ™


You and your fiance need to talk over what you want to do. Dont’ get input from anyone else. Best wishes

Post # 4
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Stop telling people what you’re doing with the wedding.

Don’t tell anyone else about the bar/flowers.

If the people that already know ask you, then you can say that you are ‘figuring everything out’


We had a cash bar and not one real flower. 

My bouquets and centerpieces were originial and nobody thought it was because we couldn’t afford real flowers… they just assumed I wanted to make something that went better with our theme/colors



The fact is, it doesn’t matter what ANYONE says/does when it comes to your wedding. Let it in one ear, and out the other.

Post # 5
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If it helps, our colours were purple and grey….I didn’t match the ribbons on the chairs to the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, etc…everything was just different shades of purple, and frankly I don’t think anyone noticed, and if they did they didn’t mention it! I know WE worry about those details, but trust me…no one notices.

But did I read it right that you only asked someone to be a groomsman because he said he’d pay for your Jack & Jill?

Also, I have to disagree with PP about the open bar. If you are having it at your MIL’s place, where there is (obviously) no ATM, you need to tell people ahead of time so they know to bring cash. I live in the GTA too, and I would definitely expect a wedding to be open bar, unless I was told otherwise…

Post # 6
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

double post, somehow???

Post # 7
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sara_tiara:  yes, i should have explained better.



definitely send it out on your invitation.

but you do not need to tell everyone/anyone in person.

Post # 9
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This may not be the most helpful suggestion, but if I were in your shoes, I’d elope (maybe destination wedding/honeymoon) and then just host a casual BBQ on your planned wedding day.  Cheap beer, burgers, cupcakes, no frills fun.  

I was getting caught up in all the details and drama and finally, I called Darling Husband in tears from being so overwhelmed and we got married a week later.  We’re still hosting a celebration on our original date in August, and it truly has been the best decision for us.  We had a no-stress wedding and are now having fun planning a no-stress party.

Post # 10
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sevyn:  I’m not hating on you for having an open bar, just saying to tell people, that’s all ๐Ÿ™‚

Listen, if people are going to have a problem with it, then they are. I’m not trying to be insenstivie, because I get it’s a big day, but I think sometimes you have to let that stuff roll off your shoulders, and focus on the things you can control.

You can do a lot with a venue to change how it looks…something as small as uplighting can change the entire vibe, and isn’t that picey (I don’t know your budget, but I spent $350 to uplight an entire room).

You also might want to think about a DOC….ours was inexpensive (but FANTASTIC, and she works in the GTA), and helped me SO MUCH in bringing together my vision for the day.

Maybe take the long weekend off of planning, and give yourself some space from the wedding?

Post # 12
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Have you already booked your caterer? Have you already invited everyone? Can you downsize? I have saved a LOT of money on food/cake especially by only having a small wedding (think 60 people if everyone comes). It’s still big enough that everyone is not awkwardly standing around like “We don’t  know each other” but it’s not so big that I am spending half my budget on food. Is something like that a possibility?

Have you already signed your venue? If you don’t like it, I wouldn’t have picked it, but that’s just me. I am not quite sure where you are, but places like public parks are less expensive and are very pretty – especially since June is so summery and nice. I don’t know how October is cheaper than June (usually it’s the other way around – I actually saved like $1000 by booking my wedding in November), but that’s at least good.

As for alcohol, again, I’m not sure where you are, but we got our own 1 day liquor license for $75 and are supplying a serve yourself bar. And since the location is covered under our liquor license, anyone’s BYOB wishes are covered under us too (so if you HAVE to have rum and coke, bring your rum, we got you). Which makes our bar cost significantly lower. If you don’t want to have an open bar or you can’t afford one, so what? People aren’t coming to your wedding to get wasted, they’re coming to your wedding to celebrate your union with the person you’re going to be spending your life with. Tell them to get over it. And hey, if they don’t come because you’re not having a bar a) you’ve just learned what kind of friends you actually have and b) it saves you money cuz you’re not feeding their selfish selves.

Brown, green, purple, other shades of orange..lots of things go with orange. As for the different shades, I wouldn’t sweat that too hard unless your girls/guys are wearing a specific shade. People won’t be paying attention to that.

As for your mom, I don’t understand why she would feel entitled to have you pay for her stuff? Isn’t your mom supposed to help you? My FI’s parents gave us the $ we’re using and my mom paid for my dress. If she were to look at me and say “Oh, btw, I want you to pay for my hair/makeup” I’d laugh at her. Seriously. That’s ridiculous.

People get crazy over weddings and I can’t figure out why. It has been happening during my planning too, but I just tell them “Well I’m glad you felt like you can tell me that, but it’s my wedding and this is what I want to do, thank you.” It’s mean and it has ruffled some feathers, but for real – they’re not getting married. I am. You are. Do what you WANT to do. If money is an issue there are a LOT of ways to save, and I’d be happy to share all of the ways I’ve done it if you’d like to message me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Good luck. Hang in there.

Post # 13
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think different shades of a color give it a more dynamic feel.

Post # 14
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off the GOOD NEWS

You can start over if you like… having an average size Wedding Reception is something that CAN BE PLANNED in a 4 month time frame

Otherwise, you can certainly still go back to the drawing board, and realign the things that are bothering you…

Such as…

The Colour Orange. IF YOU LOVE the colour, then that is all that matters. As another Bee said people will not notice if you use different shades of the colour. In their mind all they’ll see is orange.

Venue… stick with it… change it… make it work. Still these are all options. Honestly I’ve been to many receptions / parties / events that started out as a big bland box with no windows and no features (convention halls / trade show rooms). Sometimes having a blank slate is a good thing… cause then you can make it however you like. BUT in the end it is the people, and party that matter the most anyhow… not the decorations.

Bridal Party… personally if they all live nearby, I’d call an Emergency Meeting… and tell everyone they HAVE TO BE THERE.  I’d thank them all for coming and their friendship.  But I’d tell them there are RESPONSIBILITIES that go along with the role… it isn’t just that you guys are just great friends.  Then I’d go over the “traditional” list of responsibilities for folks in this role (as printed in an Etiquette Book… not what you understand them to be, or “heard” thru the grapevine).  And the anticipated expenses.  Then I’d tell then they need to tell you right there and then IF they can meet those Responsibilities or not (and that includes paying for their outfits, hosting pre-Wedding events etc).  IF YES, then keep them on… IF NO… they need to go.  After that you can restructure your Bridal Party based on who is on-board.  And there is nothing wrong with having a Bridal Party that is small in size (maybe just a Best Man and MOH), or even NONE at all.

Save The Dates… don’t worry about this.  From an Etiquette Point of View, Save-The-Date Cards are a new thing… and no one is officially invited… and things not set into stone until one actually receives a Printed Invite to an Event (IMHO, these Save-The-Date Cards cause in many situations more trouble than their worth)

Details… no need to share everything with everyone… and most certainly not info on your Budget… and what it is you can and cannot afford.  When it comes to money, things should be strictly on a NEED TO KNOW basis… and what THAT PERSON needs to know about one particular element. 

Flowers fall under décor… real, fake, none… it doesn’t matter.  Period.  Just like any other decor item, what you decide to do, want to do, can afford to do… is UP TO YOU.

Cash Bar vs Open Bar… not a big deal as I see you are a Canadian… Cash Bars (or Subsidized Bars) are truly the norm here (although it is true that in big cities like wealthy Toronto, that lots of folks have Open Bars).  But there is NO SHAME in not having an Open Bar… at the price of Booze in Canada, it is truly the norm, and your Guests WILL UNDERSTAND (for anyone from the US reading this… our Liquor Laws are super different, as well as pricing and taxes… the ave price for a Domestic Beer can be $ 10 per drink per person all in… and a per head per hour flat rate, is virtually unheard of here due to our Liquor Laws / so Consumption Bars only).  So YES, when it comes to Open Bars people understand that not everyone is on the same social standing as fellow Torontonians the Thomsons & the Westons.  In the end you do what you can afford when it comes to booze, and then get on with the party.

Relatives… again no need to share everything with everyone.  Be gracious when you are offered something, but be aware that you have the right to accept or not accept what they are proposing.  IF there is time to back out of your venue and go with the one your Mother-In-Law is offering… put it back on the table for consideration.  Mother… sorry, but you have to let your Mom know that her outfit etc. is HER responsibility (if need be show her the printed list of WHO does what / responsibilities from an Etiquette Book).  Explain you guys are not made of money… also tell her it doesn’t matter a whole lot WHAT she wears, but rather that she is there to support her.  If need be you can help her find more budget conscious solutions (4 months… plenty of time to look at options)… Items on Sale, a Shopping Trip across the Border to the USA (more selection & better pricing there)… Consignment Stores, or On-Line Gently Worn Items (with these last 2, lots of MOB / MOG sell their gowns after the Wedding because they don’t see themselves wearing them again… infact I myself have done this… saving to the other person over 50%.  And we both came away happy)

And lastly,

As an Encore Bride who has now had two Weddings in my lifetime… as much as I loved the Big White Pouffy Family Wedding the first time round when I was in my 20s… there was a TON OF STRESS with that event.

This time round…

Mr TTR and I eloped.  Went to a place we loved, and got married.  Quietly.  Just the 2 of us, on the beach overlooking the ocean.  And then had a nice honeymoon.  Came back home and threw a party for our closest friends and family.  A low key event… a Back Home Reception / Party… in the evening with under 100 people, finger foods, a Welcome Cocktail, Cake & Champagne (Sparkling actually) and a DJ with Dancing… Cash Bar after the complimentaries.  It cost us “some” money for sure… but not nearly what it would have cost if we had thrown a traditional Wedding & Reception.

In the end, NO ONE CARES.  They are all happy we are married.  The Drama didn’t happen (ok a bit of complaining up front when we told everyone we were eloping).  BUT once it was over and done with everyone has been very happy for us.

The nice thing about a Back Home Reception after the fact, is there are NO RULES… you can make it however you like… Formal / Casual… Meal / Nibbles… Day / Night… Like a Wedding (Dress, Cake, Vows even) or Not.  No one really cares !!

So girl…

Sit down with your guy, and decide what it is you really want… and go from there.  The world isn’t coming to an end… your life together is only beginning… and you two will decide how you want that to be… and how to get thru this.

Things will work out ok… Big, Small, Casual, Formal… in Toronto area or not… you’ll end up married in the end, and that is ALL that matters.

(( HUGS ))

PS… You can PM me if you like for more info on my experiences… or look thru WBee (SEARCH Option) to find posts for other Bees who have had smaller casual Weddings / Eloped etc.  There are options that work for everyone.

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