(Closed) I want to stop being so controlling, but how?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Jacqui90:  

To be less controlling, you have to trust him a little more. I know that’s easier said than done. You have to not expect that bad tings are going to happen.

Try to focus on you and get more active within your own life so that you have less time to be worried about what he’s doing.

I’m very similar and it took about 3 years for me to lay off my FI! It had started to drive a wedge :/

Post # 5
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know if this will make any sense, but…

If you expect him to fail based on previous occurences, he will because deep down you’ve already decided he will. You have to LET him regain your trust.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll never trust him if you don’t give him an actual chance.

And I’m sorry if this seems harsh, I don’t mean to be. I just ‘know’ based on my own experience.

Post # 9
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well, you’re doing the right thing by going to see a therapist, because he or she can help you work on that.

I think for the most part you just have to learn to let things go.  Not everything, but the small stuff that isn’t really affecting your life or relationship.  You just have to let go and trust your Fiance.  Stop dwelling on the negative and emphasize the positive.  Once you can do that, it will feel like a giant weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Post # 11
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Jacqui90:  Yes!  That would most definitely help.  I know this, because I did it a few years ago when things were really stressful and I thought that life couldn’t get any worse.  I sat down, made a list of everything positive in my life.  Then another list with what I would like to see come from the negative happenings at the time.  As silly as it sounds, for a long time I would look at that list before I went to bed.  So anyday things would get bad and I felt myself feeling stressed or obsessing about the negative, I would remind myself of all the good things in my life.  It really made a difference for me. 

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Good for you! Feeling good about yourself is the first step to fixing any problem in your relationship.  Find some university clubs, branch out!

When you say he’s a loud drunk, do you mean he just is loud and has fun, or does he argue and yell?

 

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Jacqui90:  Okay, that doesn’t seem like a red flag to me.  Sometimes people get drunk and say crazy things or get loud– it sounds like you’re both compromising on that one. (You’re letting him have fun but he’s not saying things that hurt you anymore.) 

I think you might benefit from looking back at all your posts on WB.  Try and read them like an outsider looking in on your relationship.  When you go to counseling, you may want to bring a list of things you’ve posted on here– it seems like you’ve got a lot of issues with your partner.  Some of them are definitely related to self-esteem and being confident with yourself, but some of them are related to him and your relationship.  A counselor can help you figure out where to start and what to do in different situations.

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