I wanted to propose but then her sister died at 29.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I ask her to marry me 2 days before the funeral?

    Yes

    No

    Either Way

    Wait at least a month

  • Post # 31
    Member
    1931 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2020

    Definitely wait, but make it clear that you are always going to be there for her. Talk in a way that makes it clear that your future will be spent together, you could even say “after we’re married…” This way she has the comfort of knowing you are there going through this with her and not just that you happen to be the guy she’s with during this tragedy. 

    After going through such a hard experience she (and you too!) deserve to have the engagement be a good, happy thing. I voted wait at least a month, but I think 6 months is better. Grief is a slow process and the hardest parts are probably stilll to come. Life has to go on, and it will, so give her time. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    Depending on how she and her family are doing, I do like the idea of a new years proposal in this case. I love what PP said about her new years proposal after a terrible year. It’s a very nice way to look at it. 

    If you aim for that, that would also give you the chance to talk with her parents about it over the holidays and get their thoughts on it. If they say it’s too soon, respect that and ask them when they think it would be appropriate. 

    And in the meantime, I agree with PP about talking to your girlfriend using phrasing that is clear about your intent to marry her. Talk about in twenty years when we… at our wedding… When we get married… Etc. The comfort of knowing you absolutely view her as your life partner is a good thing. But let her grieve properly before expecting her to celebrate engagement and start planning a wedding. It’s just too much. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    93 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    View original reply
    GunsmokeGene :  This is so tragic im so sorry for your girlfriend losing her sister. I think a thanksgiving /Holiday proposal would be a better idea , Give her a little more than a month she may not be in the right state of mind. She might reject your proposal if you do it now because she is still processing losing her sister. Again so sorry and please let us know what you are going to do!!!

    Post # 34
    Member
    241 posts
    Helper bee

    Wait until New Years at the very earliest.  I don’t think a lot of the pps suggesting a holiday proposal understand how truly horrible this holiday season will be for your gfs family.  I lost my grandmother, after a very long full life, over the summer.  I couldn’t even bare facing Thanksgiving and the subsequent holidays without her.  In fact, my family didn’t celebrate that year.  If my SO tried to propose during that time, I’m positive I would have ended the relationship. And because Thanksgiving was my grandmothers holiday to host, I couldn’t bare to celebrate it for many years, until I started celebrating with my now husbands family.  The grief of losing someone so close to the holiday season is hard enough, but it is a truly devastating tragedy how young and sudden the death was. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    1191 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1995

    View original reply
    nycbee523 :  That’s a terrible idea to suggest a Thanksgiving/Holiday proposal.   The first holidays following the loss of a loved one are awful, especially a tragic loss of someone so young.

    OP, you need to wait on this.  It’s really too bad that you did not do this in the previous 6 months.  But, there is no way you should this now or anytime in the near future.  Her girlfriend needs time to grieve, time to process, and time to heal.  

    Post # 36
    Member
    4702 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Ok so I went through this, I lost my sister at 31 years old in January of 2019s It was sudden shocking and the worst grief of my life. 

    Imo, you should wait at least a few months before proposing. Let her grieve. Let her family grieve. It will be a happy time for her when she is engaged but don’t be surprised if it bring up a lot of sadness as well since the loss of her sister can become more apparently and gaping during happy times when she won’t be there to celebrate with you both: be gentle and kind. She is hurting a lot and she just needs to be able to grieve right now. If I were you it might be good to wait until the new year. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    4702 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Do not listen to anyone who says to do it around the holidays. This year will be slow torture during Christmas and thanksgiving without my sister. Heck my bday is in a week and I’m already so distraught she’s not going to celebrate it with me. 

    Wait until AT LEAST January. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    4702 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I complely agree with you and know how you feel :(. Happy times are always going to have a dark cloud surrounding them without her. 

    View original reply
    LilliV :  

    Post # 39
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2020

    One of my good friends died at 29, and then my Fiance proposed to me (similar thinking as you). While I was happy I was also grieving. I would wait until your girlfriend is more herself… at least several months.

    Post # 40
    Member
    8279 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    I can’t believe you are actually considering proposing at this time! The funeral and the first lot of family holidays need to come and go before you can even think about it. If someone proposed to me 2 days before my sister funeral I would tell them to take a hike. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    513 posts
    Busy bee

    Wait and wait for an indefinite time.  I hate saying that, but if my sister died and so unexpectedly like that, I’m not sure I would want my boyfriend to propose for at least a year or two.  And this is from someone who is currently waiting for him to propose.  I would be struggling with wanting to stay alive myself if I lost her.  Obviously everyone is different and I do understand the want to make it official when you are reminded of how short life is…but this is a really big loss for her and it will take awhile for her to process it.

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