(Closed) I was asked to give his grandmother's ring back

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 91
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

“I do want to wear the ring, just not as an engagement ring. Why is that wrong?”

Sorry to say but you come across as extremely greedy now, an impression that I didn’t get after reading your first posts. As other bees have already said, maybe the cousins and the aunts did get jewellery from the grandmother, but they are blood related, so that’s a huge difference. There is no reason whatsoever why the grandmother should have given you anything. She did now give your Fiance the ring, as he told her he was going to propose to you- i.e. it would be your engagement ring.

You didn’t want it as your engagement ring. But as it stands, you figure it is rather pretty, so why not keep it anyway. But that’s not how things work..

Unless you want to have a ton of bad blood with his family right from the start (which I think would at least partly be justified!) just give it back.. you can always buy yourself a similar RHR.

Post # 92
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee

I think this is a little ridiculous.  The fact that the aunts and cousins would actually have the balls to bring this up.  I see this more as grandma gave it to her male grandson to have in his new family and she can perfectly give the ring to the men or women in her family as she sees fit.  When my grandma passed away she gave my brother her car and me some jewelry but I wouldn’t have found it odd at all if she gave him heirloom jewelry as well for his future wife and their children. 

But – yeah … talk to Grandma and give it back to her directly.  Not worth the drama. 

Post # 93
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee

andixlyn:  I agree. In general, I wish there was a less discriminatory or prenup-y way to ensure that family heirlooms are returned in the event of a separation or divorce.

Post # 95
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee

SunnierDaysAhead:  I think your FI’s aunt has seemed extremely selfish from the beginning and no one is justifyng that, but there were also some posts you made that did not put you in the best light. On an online forum, your posts are all that other people have to go off of and I hope you’re not terribly offended. Hopefully this family drama will be resolved and there are only happier days in front of you : )

Post # 96
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

SunnierDaysAhead:  Wow. What a bad situation to be in when it should be such a happy time. Give the ring back and try to put this behind you. There is going to be some uncomfortable feelings now between everyone it seems. Hopefully the Aunt will get fixated on something and someone else and this situation will just blow over. 

Post # 97
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

SunnierDaysAhead:  wow I would not want to see those people this weekend so Im glad your not going. I think that would be SO uncomfortable. I think it would have been worse if you had LOVED the ring and wanted it for e-ring and they demanded it back….. at least that didnt happen. I do agree that if it wasnt going to be used as an e-ring I probably would have assumed (if me) that we’d give it back once I got my real ring… (but it would depend on if his Groomsmen just wanted me to have it I would have said sure). I dont think your a bad person for wanting to keep it I mean it IS special and would have been nice, but man…. not if thats what you have to deal with.

I could see peole getting up in arms about like a 10k ring but this is ridiculous. IMO it sounds like grandma wanted you to have it and her daughter basically forced her to say whatever she wanted to get it back. I bet you if your Fiance actually spoke to her ALONE she would admit that.

as for the situation being an indication of what you will deal with? ….. probably lol. But at least now you can bring up the subject with your Fiance about setting boundaries with family and when things happen who will deal with what etc etc… how much influence people will have….think of it as a learning experience lol

Post # 98
Member
12130 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

There is obviously some misunderstanding as to who was promised the ring, but the point is moot. Once you did not want to wear it as an engagment ring, the grandmother has every right to ask for it back. On your end, you should have immediately offered to give it back.  

Post # 99
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t know why this is such a big deal for you.  Yes, it sucks that the aunt wants the ring but you didn’t want it to begin with.  Yes, the aunt was wrong for asking for it back if it was already given to your Fiance and it honestly was not promised to her.  However, that ring must have far more meaning to the Aunt than it does to you or your Fiance.  After all, you stated that your Fiance picked it from a bunch of her rings.  So, obviously, the ring wasn’t nearly as special to him, either.

Your FI’s aunt is right — you DID reject the ring.  And  you rejected it for what it was intended for!  You didn’t want to wear it for its intended purpose — an engagement ring, as that is what your Fiance intended the ring to be.  You were going to settle for wearing it on your right hand.  That shows that you didn’t even care about the ring because if you did, you would’ve proudly worn it as an engagement ring.  And, it is still a family heirloom … even if your FI’s grandmother didn’t use it as her engagement ring, it was still passed down from her to her grandson.  Even if it meant nothing to your FI’s grandmother, it’s a piece of jewelry that has been in the family.

You were ungrateful … the Grandmother gave the ring to your Fiance as an engagment ring, not a right hand ring.  And you didn’t want the ring for an engagement ring.  You complained that it wasn’t your style or to your liking.  You got into a row over it.  All of a sudden you like the ring? 

Why in heaven’s name would you want a ring you aren’t crazy about, didn’t appreciate, and wanted to replace? 

Honey – you were looking for the perfect reason to get a different ring and now you have it.  You should be happy to be rid of a ring you didn’t like to begin with. 

 

Post # 100
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Long-term, this might be the best situation. It’s not your e-ring, so the aunt gets it back. If you hadn’t replaced it and ended up keeping it, it could have been an ongoing problem for years to come. It’s also possible the aunt may have been more gracious if you did use it as your e-ring. It’s also possible that the grandmother’s feelings are also hurt. FWIW, it’s not necessarily a conspiracy. My non-senile mom also forgets about some promises she made years ago.

(Oops – a PP beat me to it.)

Post # 101
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

First off, I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation.  It’s not your fiancé’s fault and it is certainly not your’s, either.

Unfortunately, this is what it’s like for most people (I have come to learn), when two families join together.  Instead of being accepting and loving and joyful, at least one side of the two families (or one or two people) have to draw lines and cause drama. In most cases, it’s almost always a female relative of the would-be groom.

Trust me, I know.  I’ve been there myself.  Sad face.

<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>I also understand why you want to keep the heirloom ring as a right hand ring, even if you’re getting a new engagement ring.  It was given to you.  It yours.  It was used as your original engagement ring.  So it holds sentimental value.  I completely get it.</div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”> </div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>Unfortunately (and this is a big “unfortunately”) … you being the newest family member means you basically have to be the bigger person in the situation.  Even if you don’t want to.</div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”> </div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes we would-be/new wives just need to keep our mouths shut and suck it up.  No matter how incredibly in the wrong the other party is (especially if it’s his mom) and no matter how much your fiancé/husband backs you.  However, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself once you have more of a foothold in the family.  :)</div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”> </div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>Here’s what I suggest:  return the ring to the grandmother in private.  If the aunt shows up, kindly ask her to give you two a moment (if she refuses, then just pretend she is not there).  Let the grandmother know how much you appreciate the thoughtfulness of the ring and that you’re sorry for the problems it has caused (this isn’t taking acceptance for causing the problems, it’s simply acknowledging the problems).  That should smooth things over.</div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”> </div>
<div style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>I hope this has been helpful.  Please let us know how things turn out!</div>

Post # 102
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

MissesAwesome:  Saying she appreciates the thoughfulness of the ring is kind of not going to fly when everyone knows that she rejected it as her engagement ring.

Post # 103
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

SunnierDaysAhead:  Who told the aunt that you rejected the ring?  How did she know this happened?

Post # 104
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

Ellicott:  From what I read, she didn’t “reject it”, she simply mentioned to her fiancé that it wasn’t what she pictured for her engagement rings.  She also mentioned how her fiance’s aunts had all had says in the exact ring they wanted for their engagements, and that is basically the same thing.

Post # 105
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

So, because you can’t keep a ring you didn’t want in the first place.. You’re going to stop going to family functions or is it just this weekend.. To ‘show them’ for taking back a ring you rejected. 

The ring wasn’t good enough for you to be your engagement ring, his family knows this and wants the ring back. Why would they want a family ring on the hand of someone who didn’t want it for its intended purpose?

You’ve all created a mountain out of a molehill and there is far more unrest in the family than there ever needed to be.. 

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