(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you
    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on : (79 votes)
    25 %
    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason : (216 votes)
    69 %
    Something else? : (19 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2100 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @wheretogo: Ok he cheated on you 1 year into dating but long before you were married.  And you kicked him out for being honest.

    HMMMM that just seems to be harsh.  You two need to talk but your reaction seems to be very over the top and you are teaching him not to be honest in the future.

    I hope you can work it out.

    Post # 4
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    Yes I do think you should give him a chance.

    People to make mistakes and yes some are worse than others. It was an indiscretion early in the relationship and he came clean about it. That doesnt make it right, but it does indicate to me that he regrets it and will not repeat the behavior.

    I do think you should continue to talk about what you both need to move forward. If you decide to try to move forward, it doesnt mean you forget, but you do have to forgive. Which means you can’t hold it over his head. On the other hand he has to prove to you that he is trustworthy and honest to rebuild the trust.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    1577 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I don’t think the reaction was over the top.  He lied.. for YEARS.  Even married this girl without telling her about this.  I’d be boiling.  An overreaction would be actual bodily harm.  I think he got off pretty decent.

    I don’t really have any advice… other than, I’ve been cheated on before.. by a serial cheater.. and honestly I never was able to look at him the same again.  I guess there are people out there who somehow figure out a way to, but I know that I can’t.

    Good luck, sweetie.  I really hope that things work out for the best.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2548 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I agree with the PP. It was early in the relationship. How serious were you guys? It’s not ok by any means, but I think you should forgive him.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    @unixfairy: <—I’ve got to say, I agree. This was a long time ago and he obviously thinks of it as a huge mistake. You’ve built a life together since then, and unless there are other women he’s not telling you about (which I honestly doubt), it’s one not built on lies, but love and respect. If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want a second chance?

    Post # 9
    Member
    5985 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I will apologize for other posters who are not being compassionate. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. <<HUGS>> Your reaction is NOT over the top! I completly understand why you acted the way you did. What HE did was wrong wrong wrong! But, it is in the past and it sucks. It sucks that he married you with that lie. But I am sure all the guilt he has carried around for has been really hard on him. He obviously loves you very much and this was a one time thing. I think you can trust him again because he came clean….I am actually surprised he told you after this long. I highly recommend counseling. What he did was sooo wrong and you need ot be able to build back that trust. Def should stop TTC for now. 

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    5494 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I disagree with unixfairy. you’ reaction was not over the top. It is totally understandable that you are so hurt that the man you thought was loyal to you for a year, cheated on you, (married or not).  It’s understandable that you need time to process your emotions and collect your thoughts.

    it’s difficult to say what i would do in that situaiton because i don’t think anyone really knows until/unless they are faced with it.  I would probably stay with him if it was just a one time thing and not a full on affair.  And it would take A LOT of time and effort to gain my trust back.

    If your relationship with him is otherwise great, i don’t think one stupid mistake is worth throwing it out the window, especially because it happened so long ago and presumably has never happened since.

    Post # 11
    Member
    921 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    he cheated once. 3 years ago. he was honest enought o tell you. it wont heal over night but it will take time and lots of talking. he hasnt cheted since and he wont do it again after this. give him another chance. they say once a cheater always a cheater. i used to cheat on my ex (he was cheating first and would lie to me about it at least i told him i was he didnt believe me) i have never ever cheated on my fiance since we became official.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4371 posts
    Honey bee

    I absolutely understand why you are angry and hurt enough to kick him out of the house. It’s shocking and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be repulsed and hurt if their newlywed husband told them that. 

    That said, you have to decide if the life you can lead together is enough for you to forgive him for it and move on. If you decide to stay with him though, you need to move past it. I know it’s all new and horrific to you right now, and you probably don’t know how you can get past it, but maybe it would be good for you two to talk to a professional counselor. 

    Yes, you are allowed to forgive him. Yes, couples get over cheating all the time (as long as he has really changed). But it’s going to be something only you know if you can do. If you do decide to stay with him, you CANNOT lord this over him if you want your marriage to heal.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs…

    Post # 14
    Member
    4371 posts
    Honey bee

    @wheretogo: Can you take a couple days to yourself away from him to get over the shock of this news? This isn’t the kind of information your body and your soul can just process right away. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2100 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @wheretogo: OK my Fiance cheated on me 2 years into our dating relationship not a drunk 1 night stand but a passionate affair with a coworker of both of ours.  It was humiliating and painful.  I got to watch them everyday while he lied that they were just friends etc.  On the day I knew for sure – I walked into his OFFICE AT WORK closed the door and slapped him as hard as I could.  I then stomped out.

    We were still best friends though and he has messed up his life on so many levels – he was unhappy and basically trying to destroy everything and not realizing it.  He worked through it with counselling and his best friend (me) and along the way we learned to love each other much more deeply.  We are now 2.5 years into it again and much stronger and smarter people now.  And we have dealt with it and have talked about it and he knows.  Was it easy, no.  Did the scars heal, yes.

    I am not saying what your husband did was right.  But he did trust you enough to tell you now that you are married.  You need to decide if you can see this as a gift and use it to make your marriage stronger.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2548 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I am really sorry you are dealing with this mess. ( Also sorry I didn;t say it sooner). But like a previous poster said, he probably lived with this guilt for a very long time. He most likely has learned his lesson. No matter what you decide to do, it will be the best decision for you, but all I can say it this: People makes mistakes. Please remember that. No one is perfect, and that’s ok. Sometimes fogiving and forgetting is best, sometimes it’s not.

    I hope for only the best.

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