Post # 17
yikes, i am so sorry this is happening to you. i want to vote, but i can’t seem to make a decision on what i do. its conflicting because had you found this out when it happened, chances are you would have left him and been done – so why should that change because he didn’t tell you when he should have. on the other hand, it seems like he has been faithful ever since and therefore not a serial cheater and you can probably trust him AND you have the past few of your relationship that was built, so there are your reasons to stay. i would say give it some time, take a break from him whatever you need to sort out your feelings before making any final decisions.
Post # 18
@unixfairy: Thank you for sharing; I am so sorry you had to go through that and am so happy to hear you and your Fiance are stronger than ever. No matter what the exact circumstances, this is never easy.
Thank you, everyone else, for the comments. Please keep them coming. (ha, lord knows I am just sitting here staring at the computer, still numb)
Gah, couples counseling seems like a good idea, but expensive. I know there is nothing more important to spend $ on, but we are so broke with student loans that I honestly don’t know if we could afford it.
@soupycat: yes, luckily(?) he is going away on sunday and will be gone the entirety of next week. To leave me. Alone. With my thoughts. And our puppy.
Post # 19
You might not want to hear this but if it was a one-night stand, one-time indiscretion and you were only dating at the time, he did the right thing by not telling you. I understand your feelings and the extent of your anger but if you were not engaged or married at the time and he has not cheated since, I think you need to be a little more rational.
Give it a bit of time and find a way to talk to him without screaming and crying. And think about this: when he realized he had to be completely honest about his past because of a medical reason, he manned up and did it even though he knew how angry you would be.
He was telling the truth when he married you and said he promised to be faithful from that day forward. If you can forgive him for the lie and move on, it would be best. Because if you love him and he’s been a good husband this is not a reason to throw the relationship out. You ARE entitled to feel the way you do, but this is something you should try and work out.
Lastly, some people are going to disagree with this statement, but until you have an actual ring on your finger you are technically still single. You can be in a committed monogamous relationship but until you make that promise before God and your witnesses, you do not have a claim on that person. That’s just my view and I’m not saying it’s a free pass to cheat but remember he was not engaged or married to you when this happened. Would I be super pissed? Yes and yes! But he took a chance by telling you when really, he didn’t ever have to if he want to. But he obviously cares about you enough to risk the fall-out so you can have a healthy baby.
Post # 20
are you part of a church or anything like that that might have counseling services? I’d bet there are so low cost ones on your community too if you looked into it.
Post # 21
I want to say that I’m very sorry for what you are going through! I can only imagine how devastated you are! I would feel just as hurt and betrayed as you feel now. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do, be it forgive and forget or leave. YOU are the only one who can make that decision. And honestly, I think either option is valid. Should you think about it and find you cannot forgive him….there’s no reason you should “have” to just forgive and forget and move on. He cheated on you. Yes it was awhile ago but it’s still a big violation of your trust and you have every right to feel whatever emotions you feel. Should you decide you want to forgive and forget, then you have every right to do that as well. Bottom line, take some time to decide what YOU want to do! Some people can forgive and move on and others can’t. You just need to decide what’s best for you.
Again, I’m very sorry you’re going through this and I wish you all the best!
Post # 22
Who cares if you’re “technically single”?? What’s the point of saying that? They were in a committed, supposedly monogamous relationship.
Post # 23
I just wanted to say that DH and I go to “family” counseling, which is SO much cheaper than couples counseling. Since you’re married, you guys should technically qualify for “family” counseling. I know we pay the same when we both go as when just I go.
Post # 24
Please go back and read my last graph. It explains why I said that.
Post # 25
You are stating contradictory points. You say “until you make that promise before God and your witnesses, you do not have a claim on that person.”
But then you add that “I’m not saying it’s a free pass to cheat.”
But you can’t have it both ways.
So essentially, you’re saying you don’t have a “claim” on the other person, but at the same time, they’re not allowed to cheat on you. I’m not sure what you mean by “claim”, but as a part of a committed, monogamous relationship, it’s an understood rule you don’t sleep with anyone else.
It seems that you are suggesting that in order to be in a relationship where you can expect not to be cheated on, you should make sure to marry that person.
Post # 26
This is a really horrible thing to be going through.
And of course what he did was terribly wrong. And you have every right to be very, very hurt — all of us would be.
But do try to remember that it happened once, that he has not broken any vows, that you yourself made vows, and that you love him.
If the rest of your relationship has been good, remains good…you can probably work through this.
That doesn’t mean you have to, but — you can.
Post # 27
I get where you’re coming from.. that’s the same thing I thought when I read that post. If you don’t have a “claim” on someone.. then what exactly makes them not “free” to cheat? I didn’t understand.
Post # 28
You are in such an awful situation…. I’m so very sorry!
From what you have said, I feel like you really love your husband, and that he really loves you. I understand that he might not have confessed had you not been in the TTC situation, but he did. And he did it because he wants to have a healthy baby with you.
You are the only person that knows your relationship and what you need to do to go on. IMO, give him a chance. Couples counseling is expensive, but it might be worth it if it can repair the hurt feelings and trust issues you are now going through. You have trusted this man and he made a mistake.
Take some time to really think things through. Don’t focus so much on what he did, but on what needs to be done to make you happy.
Best of luck to you! I hope everything works out for the best!
Post # 29
No, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s not that simple. lol Okay, let me try to clarify: Yes, you are technically and legally still single until you are married. If you are in a monogamous relationship, then the understanding is that you will be faithful to that person. But you ultimately aren’t beholden, you can’t lay claim to someone. You can hope
they will be loyal to you.
But things don’t always work out that way and people make mistakes. If I understand correctly, they were dating when this one-night stand happened. Not legally married. Doesn’t excuse the behavior but I am with the majority who think she should work it out. I don’t think it’s necessary to tear apart a relationship for a minor indiscretion he made when they weren’t even engaged yet. That was my point.
Post # 30
Cheating is by definition a betrayal of trust and a breaking of an agreement between two people about what the rules of their relationship are. Cheating is whatever the couple defines it to be. If they had both agreed that they were “technically single” until they got engaged, then him sleeping with someone else would not be cheating. Since they had a agreement that they were in a monogamous relationship and were not going to sleep with other people, what he did was a betrayal and a lie, and rings have nothing to do with it.
Also, a large portion of the OP’s hurt feelings are coming from the fact that it took 4.5 years for her to find out, so the indiscretion wasn’t entirely long before they were engaged. It was in some ways ongoing up until now.
Not saying that she shouldn’t try to work it out. I just don’t think minimizing her feelings by saying “you weren’t even engaged then” is fair
Post # 31
That’s a really tough question. I think forgiveness depends on your relationship. If there’s enough between you, then maybe it’s worth working through. If your relationship is weak anyway and this is the last (heavy) straw, maybe not.