(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you

    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on

    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason

    Something else?

  • Post # 33
    Member
    4369 posts
    Honey bee

    @2ndtimeacharm, When you are in a serious relationship, yes, you are beholden, or obligated, to be faithful to the other person. 

    As OP said, she was in a serious relationship at one year. They were in love. This was the first time they were apart for 48 hours in a while.

    Post # 34
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    View original reply
    @goldenapple82: I didn’t say it wasn’t cheating.  I guess I’m trying to say that I feel (my opinion only!) that there are degrees of cheating.  And I find cheating after taking a vow to be faithful, with a ring on your finger to more egregious than cheating while you are still dating someone.

    And not to belabor the point but you are a single person until you are married.  Period.  You can be dating, in a relationship, living together but until you are legally married, you are single.  And again, that’s just my opinion.  I expected disagreement, which is fine but I’m not changing my stance. So don’t anyone try:)

    And let me add, I’m not minimizing OP’s situation at all.  She has a right to be devasted but I will say again, since she has a poll and has asked for opinions, she should work it out and stay in the marriage, based on what she has chosen to reveal about her relationship.

    Post # 35
    Member
    4369 posts
    Honey bee

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: You seem like you guys really do have a great relationship besides this one instance which is some time ago.  I do hope you can eventually get past it and work it out.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1041 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Im so sorry you are going through this. I dont think you reaction was unreasonable and i would have done the same thing. You are the only one who knows if you can deal with this or get over it. Whether you decide to stay or go, its not going to be easy and your relationship has changed forever.

    I would not make any decision now. Cool down for a few days and stay away from him. Then decide if the relationship is worth fighting for. Yes he was wrong for cheating and lying, and of course you dont know if you will ever be able to trust him again. But people make mistakes and if it truly was a drunken one night stand, and he never did it again counseling might be a good idea. Marriage is difficult, and no ones relationship is perfect, thats why you have to do everything you can possibly do to make it work before you give up.

    Whatever you decide, i hope everything works out for you.

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    1148 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I just want to lend some support and i guess all i can add is that there is no reason you have to make a decision on this right away. I would take time (as much as you need) and get some space. Good luck!

    Post # 39
    Member
    3135 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am so sorry you’re going through this.

    a small point from me is he sounds really fantastic in every other way and based on what you’ve written, I honestly get the feeling that this was a one time slip up and thats it.

    Out of all the cheating threads I’ve read, yours sounds like the top one that could be truly healed through time and therapy.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: I am so sorry… Yes, if you had found out back then, you probably would have fled and not look back… but you would also have passed beside a man that you say have been wonderful to you, and passed beside the happiness and life that you two built together after those events.

    What he did was wrong, there is no denying this. I can understand though, why if it was a one-time huge mistake, he would not tell because he wanted to be with you and not hurt you so bad. Not that it’s right to do this, but we often have the debate here of to tell or not to tell and there are good arguments on both sides.

    I am worried that there was no protection used with this other lady… have you always use protection while together? You might want to get tested.

    You have the right to be angry right now, and hurt, and disgusted, and to not want to look at his bright side. But from what you have posted, he does seem to love you very much and if you can find it in your heart to forgive him, you can still have the great life you planned together.

    Take your time to think and decide what you want to do from this point on. Truth is, some people can get past it, some can’t, and which future do you think is better for you: work together to get past this, or is it better for you to walk away and start from scratch with someone else someday; someone who may or may not be as good for you.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: I’m so glad you weren’t offended!  I tend to be very no-nonsense and not mushy when I give advice.  Take some to time to gain perspective.  Take care of yourself, do something nice and pampering while you figure this out.  And it does sound like you are fully capable of working through this. And despite everything, he sounds like a good guy.

    I really wish you much luck and even {{{hugs}}} even though it’s not like me to throw those around:)

    Post # 43
    Member
    1268 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Isnt he STILL the same person you married?

    Post # 44
    Member
    685 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @PutABirdOnIt: For the record, I 100% agree with you.

    Post # 45
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    View original reply
    @Potatoes: Thank you.  I’m in my 40s and it’s interesting how much your perspective on life changes. I doubt i would have been able to articulate that thought 20 years ago:)

    Post # 46
    Member
    1850 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I don’t think you overreacted at all. I would’ve probably gotten physical (which is saying something). I’m so sorry you’re going through this:( I will say that based on the information that you have given, if you are looking for real advice…I think that you should give him a second chance (if and only if you truly believe that it would be possible to one day forgive him and if you think he will not do it again). Even though this was something that happened a long time ago, he does need to answer for the pain that he has caused you. I am a firm believer that in the event that someone cheats, it is up to them to do EVERYTHING possible to gain that trust back. If you want to see his phone, e-mails, facebook, talk to every single one of his friends…then he gives it to you. Some people will strongly disagree with that statement but it’s my opinion that he needs to work to gain your trust back and be an open book from here on out. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

    EDT: I also want to add that I think it’s really shitty of him to put your health at risk…he had unprotected sex and didn’t tell you that until years later. I mean I know that doesn’t really give you any advice, but I know that some people on here were talking about the single/not single thing. If you both considered yourselves in a monogamous relationship then I think you had plenty of “claim” on him…and him cheating on you not only had the potential to hurt you emotionally but physically as well. I just hope he realizes how messed up that was.

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