(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you

    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on

    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason

    Something else?

  • Post # 47
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee

    I haven’t read all of the comments, but I voted for other. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do here. It is such a personal thing that varies person to person. I think that right this moment isn’t the time to make a decision. Take the time while he is gone to search yourself and figure out what you want to do and if you think you could not only trust him again but forgive and forget eventually. If it’s something that you always throw in his face later on, it will be a source of resentment for both of you. Ask him to do some soul searching of his own and have a discussion when he gets back. I think it is a good sign that it was once and he eventually told you, but you have to decide whether you want to give him the chance to work on things.

    Post # 48
    Member
    772 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    How do you actually FEEL about the relationship?  I know you have said that he is perfect otherwise, but you also seem to indicate that if you had only known at the time you would have fled for the hills.  I think you need to examine the relationship first before you can sort out the infidelity issue.  You need to decide if in the grande scheme of things, the relationship is worth fighting for.  A lot of us stay with partners becasue we are comfortable and the progression to the next step makes sense.  This is the time you decide if even when messy, challenging and uncomforatble, this is still the man you want to be with. 

    I’ve been cheated on before, and like you only found out much later.  I went from thinking everything was perfect to having this very ugly splotch on the relationship that I didn’t feel like I could look past, and my world totally rocked upside down so that I wanted to vomit. I felt my partner didn’t give me much of a choice to really decide whether to stay or leave at the point I found out, and it was very difficult.  You are going to feel like you got hit by a truck for a few days, but if you do want to work things out with him, i think you need to keep talking.

    What he did is wrong, and he should have come clean before you made your vows to one another.  I think you need counseling for sure, whether you stay or not, and I think you need to make clear to him that it is not just the cheating, but the coverup and dishonesty in that.

    For now, you do not need to make a decision.  You have permission to simply feel what you are feeling, and thing about at its core whether this relationship is what you want.  If it is, there are ways to move forward.  But this is going to be a new path regardless of which way you decide.  Good luck, and ((((((HUGS))))))) because I have been there and its sucks.

    Post # 49
    Member
    2161 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I, too, would be devastated.   I think I would react the same way.  My dad’s affair hurt me to the bone and it would not be something I would deal well with with a partner.

    I am glad that it was a long time ago and he has since come clean.   But, it’s so hurtful that he lied for years.

    Even to look at a personal counselor for you to sort things out with be beneficial.   You have a right to be upset and he should be prepared to earn your trust again before you carry on and think about TTC.

    I’m so sorry.

    Post # 50
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.  And yes, while it’s good that he admitted it now, honestly I would be infuriated.  In my relationship, it took 10 months for us to say I love you, but we had agreed to be committed to each other at month 1.  If I found out that he had cheated on me…honestly I don’t know what I’d do at this point 4 years later. 

    Only you can decide what’s best for the both of you.  But absolutely, you should see a counselor, and don’t TTC right now.  You want a baby brought into a happy home, which can still be possible!!  But you need to work out your issues before you decide to have a child. 

    I wish you the best of luck, and you can get through this if you want to.

    Post # 51
    Member
    2606 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    View original reply
    @PutABirdOnIt: You might not want to hear this but if it was a one-night stand, one-time indiscretion and you were only dating at the time, he did the right thing by not telling you.

    I disagree with this.  Cheating is bad enough, but LYING about it is that much worse.  One-night stand or not, there is a risk of pregnancy and/or STDs.  The truth should have been confessed for several reasons, not the least of which should be so the OP could have known and gotten tested.  

     

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Yes, it happened more than four years ago, but for you, the pain is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.  You did the right thing by kicking him out, at least for the time being.  If you give him a second chance or not is up to you, of course.  If you decide to stay together, put your plans of TTC on hold until you’ve gotten some counseling.

    Post # 52
    Member
    6014 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    View original reply
    @Miss Apricot: THIS!!   Sure it was awhile ago but he’s been lying to you for awhile.  It might as well have been yesterday that it happened.  I’d get tested for some STD’s, get counseling and then decide if you can continue with this man.  I mean if he hadn’t told you would you have known?  Was it just one? 

    This stinks and I’m so sorry you are going thru this at all.  Just make sure you eat and drink plenty of water, it’s hot out and all the crying will make you dehydrated. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    7581 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @wheretogo: Not pathetic. totally normal. ((hugs))

    Post # 54
    Member
    706 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @mg1363: Good point about the chance of STDs. The fact that he didn’t use protection and didn’t tell you about it afterwards means he potentially put you in physical danger. I wish you the best of luck with this horrible situation.

    Post # 55
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I completely understand why you are so hurt and angry. I’ve been cheated on, and it ended my first marriage. It was both an emotional and physical affair and it wrecked me for a long time.

    In this case, I decided to vote for “give him a chance” — and get counseling. This wasn’t an involved affair, though it was incredibly stupid and reckless. But it was also years ago and I’m guessing he’d have been honest enough to bring out anything else that’s happened in the three years since. Humans are incredibly fallible and make mistakes. I’m not saying it’s innocent, I’m saying he isn’t perfect. Now, are you wrong for kicking him out? You know what, I think you need your space and you have every right to do what you need to do to deal with this. See you how feel tomorrow and get counseling. I know it’s said often here, but it works. You need a professional third party.

    Good luck. And I’m sorry you are going through this.

    Post # 56
    Member
    2441 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    …To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part….

    You’re married to him now.  Honor your vows.  You can be upset, and you should be! You may even need your space for a while.  But in the end, I think you should honor your vows.  

    By The Way – I don’t think you should have put him out.  Sleep on the couch maybe, but put him out for something that was over and done with years ago? 

    Post # 57
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    It’s not OK, and you have every right to feel this way. But, if it were me, and it was a one-time thing, AND there were no red flags indicating that he might do it again, I would try to give him a second chance.

    Post # 58
    Member
    3196 posts
    Sugar bee

    I don’t think you overreacted, but I also think that he deserves a second chance. To me, and you may be different, there is a huge difference between cheating and you finding out when he was trying to hide it from you and when someone is mature and honest and loves you enough to tell you. He obviously knew that you would be furious and hurt, but it sounds to me like he took his vows of honesty to heart and wanted to tell you the truth even if it meant losing everything. That takes HUGE courage and faith in your bond. Yes, he shouldn’t have waited so long, and it was a terrible, hurtful mistake but he has grown and you seem to be a very strong couple. But honestly, if he had told you sooner, would you have given leaving him a second thought? Would you have given the relationship a chance? 

    Also, can you ever forgive him? Could you see past this incident and the breech of trust? I think that if he really never repeated this, you could be able to trust him because he put a lot of trust in your relationship even coming clean about it. He obviously didn’t need to tell you… 

    I’m not in anyway demeaning your pain or betrayal, just trying to help you not get tunnel vision due to your emotions. (((Hugs))) and try to not do anything rash 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Hm..I think I would go to couples counseling, try to rebuild trust, and if after that you can’t, then move on.  For now, TTC should be on the backburner.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I’ve skimmed most of the comments.  I don’t think you over reacted at all.  Whether it happened yesterday or several years ago, the hurt is raw today.  Prior to my wedding I would have stated run!  And never look back!  Once a cheater always one!  But now that I’m married my advice would be to stay and work it out which is what I would do.  And honestly, it could take years.  He’s still ultimately the same person and eventually, with work, you will have trust in him again.  And I wouldn’t have kids until then. 

    A councelor is definitely in order.  Keep shopping until you find one in your price range.  Even contact a church and see if they have payment plans or know of a discount.  You might even see if your insurance will pay for some or if your work could cover an amount.  I know some company’s offer that.

    Also, don’t be afraid to say whatever you want to him whenever no matter what time of night.  And if he cares about gaining your trust back, he will agree. 

    I think it gets better.  Slowly.  You really just have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.  It sounds like you do. 

    Post # 61
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I disagree with the majority. Since when is cheating either a “minor discretion” or even a mistake?! A wrong answer on a test – that’s a mistake. A wrong turn while you are driving – that’s a mistake. Getting naked and sleeping with a total stranger and then hide it for years? That’s a choice – one that causes a world of hurt. 

    I am not saying you can’t forgive him – you can, and perhaps with time, you may even decide that you should. But you can only do that wholeheartedly if both of you first acknowledge the full impact of what he had done to you and your relationship. It does no good to downplay this incident or dimiss your feelings about it. 

    To me, the years of deception would be far worse than the cheating incident itself. That, most definitely, is neither a minor discretion nor a mistake. 

    I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. My heart aches for you – and I wish I could have offered you a yes/no answer. But in the absence of either, I am sending you a hug. 

    The topic ‘I was cheated on and have no idea what to do’ is closed to new replies.

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