(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you

    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on

    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason

    Something else?

  • Post # 62
    Member
    3315 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    To be honest, I’d be looking at counselling–individual and/or marital–at this point.  The question of whether to give him another chance is not a simple one, and it would be helpful to have a professional with whom you could talk out the pros and cons of doing so.  And both of you need to think about how he can reestablish your trust, if that is possible.

    Post # 63
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I haven’t read every comment. But I just want to add, he told you because he felt the health of your potential baby was at risk. What about your health all this time??? Why is the not yet conceived potential baby more important than living breathing you? And obviously he has a genuine concern regarding the health issue or he would have just continued to live a lie. HE THINKS HE HAS AN STD AND DIDN’T TELL YOU! In what world is that ok? I could get over the one time drunken cheat, but putting you at risk of serious medical problems for years… No. Just no. Get checked right away girl. I would have done just as you did and kicked his ass to the curb. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    OP I have one thing to say to you (and honestly to all those advocating you forgive him because it was “so long ago”):

    Yes the indiscretion was years ago, but what about the reprocussions? AIDS for instance. This man did not mention the indiscretion and thus the very real possibility (as you indicated it was unprotected sex) of you contracting some very serious diseases.

     This man let you walk around for YEARS thinking you didn’t need to get tested, and thus left you UNPROTECTED to a host of possible diseases. For all you know you could have AIDS. HPV is probably a safe bet also. I don’t think any man can claim to love you that would let you walk around untested and possibly the carrier of an STD. He didn’t hide this from you because he LOVED you or felt GUILTY…it was to protect himself.

    I don’t know whether you should stay or go, but remember this: we can talk about honoring vows all we like–but he not only let you go untested, he slept with you (assuming you had sex before marriage) KNOWING he had unprotected sex with another woman. This is no youthful mistake–it’s wrong. If he really loved you and cherished you, he would have admitted the indiscretion the day after it happened and made sure he didn’t put you at risk.

     

    Post # 65
    Member
    1175 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I definitely understand your reaction, but I think you’ll get through it. Because it was so long ago and he took this long to tell you, but he DID tell you and own up to it, I can see he DOES see it as a huge mistake. It’ll take time and effort on both of your parts, but this is not something worth throwing away your life together over.

    Post # 66
    Member
    682 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    this isn’t a popular opinion so I am going to don my flame proof undies now…it was a one night stand, years ago, that lead to nothing. that is best case scenario when you consider that 1 in 2 men cheat. I know that sounds harsh but I am trying to offer some perspective here.

    it takes 1000 acts of trust to build trust, and only 1 to break it. You two need to work on trust building. You can get through this. It is not unforgivable and it is not impossible to get past. It hurts now, but take some time to think about the commitment you’ve made and the enormity of it.     

    Post # 67
    Member
    1463 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    OP – This sucks that you are dealing with this!

    Unfortunately you can’t change the past, your Husband can’t take back what he did or the fact that he didn’t tell you about it, the only thing you can control is how you react and work with the cards you’ve been dealt.

    I say take a little time out and give yourself a chance to gain some perspective and think about your relationship once your shock, anger and hurt has subsided a little. 

    Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go but good luck with whatever you decide!

    Post # 68
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    I will have to disagree with PPs in that a year into a relationship isn’t really ‘early’. A year is a good while to be going out with someone, and if I found out that BF had done something like this at 1 year in, I don’t think I’d be able to get over it. We were exclusive from day 1, and at 6 months in we were planning our future together.

    Hope you two can work this out though.

    Post # 69
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    unfortunatley i was in this situation with my first husband…for years he cheated, in person and online and i never hard any proof, and he never told the truth…  I stayed, but the last four years of our marriage, i hated him, i had no trust, love or respect for him…I finally had the courage to leave.  I tried to stay, i tried to trust, but couldn’t and the only thing i felt was hate…  maybe your bigger than I am, but i couldn’t get passed it and it i finally have a great guy that I can trust and will marry next summer!  if u leave, it hurts like hell, but it will get better!

    Post # 70
    Member
    374 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    This is a horrible situation.  I’m sorry that you are dealing with something so painful.  You said that therapy is expensive and it is, your right.  While I can’t tell you how to get over something like this I can tell you that many Universities offer therapy services by students who are planning to go into the field.  Maybe you could check there?  The school I went to offered free sessions and the student had the guidence of a teacher.

    Since you married this man, you obviously love him and I wouldn’t give up just yet.  Part of your vowes include good times and bad.  It’s not easy and he shouldn’t have kept it from you.  It was a terrible mistake, one that he doesn’t sound eager to commit again.  It’s going to take time but if you’re both commited you may be able to build that trust again.  If at the end of the therapy this is something you just can’t deal with or move on from then you should end things.  

    Post # 71
    Member
    130 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    It was very early on in the relationship. You guys still in school and young. Im with 2ndtimeacharm on this one. Until you are married there is no “law” saying you a monogamous. While I do have an “agreement” with my boyfriend that we will not be with anyone else and stay faithful to each other. I don’t think I would be as hurt as if I was married to him.

    I do think if he had hid it from me for so long I would be very hurt. For the lie not for the cheating. In a post you made a statement along the lines of “living with all the lies” To me it seems like it was just one lie and I want to ask you have you never lied to him? My mom always says “a lie is a lie is a lie” meaning that no lie is bigger then the next. It is still the same act of deceiving.

    I vote that you work it out with him. The man you love is still the same man. I hope things work out for the best. I wish you peace and happiness.  

    Post # 72
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I found out that my now-husband cheated on me 2 years ago. We were living together, still engaged, and had 2 kids, and the youngest was only a month or 2 old at the time. I found out after we separated that following fall and he wasn’t the one who told me. A friend of mine’s sister apparently was with him while we were separated (which I was fine with. We weren’t together, not sleeping together, so whatever). The sister contacted me and told me about herself and the other girl. Oh trust me, I about kicked his ass. I took the sister with me to the apartment he was staying in and let him have it. He said he was planning on telling me but I didn’t care. He lied to me when I asked him if he was messing around while he was living here and he told me no. I’m not stupid but I also have no backbone so I didn’t do anything about my intuition. He moved out within a month of my asking (guilty conscience).  He was gone from October until April that year. Saw our kids every day unless they were sick or when he was at work. We both went through some counseling and realized what our issues were and here we are. This all happened around 3 years into our relationship. Yeah, he lied about it, but I retaliated as well and we both realized how ridiculously immature we were about it. We were in a slump after having the baby and it spiraled. We couldn’t communicate. Now that we realize what we need to do to communicate effectively, things are great. Unless he hit me or laid a hand on my kids, I wouldn’t leave my husband. I whole-heartedly believe that he has been faithful since we’ve gotten back together and I believe that he will remain faithful. I have decided that I can live with it for the next 60 years, even though he’s always been friends with the sister of the girl he cheated on me with. It makes me nervous, yeah, but I trust him now. It is really hard to get to this point, trust me, but if you think you can, it’s worth a shot.

    I can see where you are angry and why you kicked him out. My question is- what would have been different if he never told you? He didn’t have to tell you anything but he did. It may be too little too late for you, and I totally get that. He had no regard for your health and safety and to me, that was a problem for my issue as well. It is completely up to you to decide what happens. If you want to yell, scream, throw things, and cry for a few days, weeks, or months, do it. I did too. It helps. All you need to do is remember that you need to do what is best for YOU. Good luck- I know this isn’t easy.

    Post # 73
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee

    I am so sorry for your pain.  Honestly I won’t go into details, but I had the same exact thing happen to me and I have been married for 23 years now.

    After 1 year of dating and actually being engaged, my husband (then Fiance) dropped a similar bombshell on me into our 2nd year of marriage and after our first daughter was born.  Honestly, I have only seen him cry twice in the entire time we have been together and this was the first time.  Let’s just say he had a “Bill Clinton” experience and it stopped at that.

    First of all, and I beg you to keep this in mind.  You are married, and even though this was a “lie” that existed before you were even engaged, it is still something that he has known all along and willingly took to your vows without telling you.  And for that he is wrong.  But you were not maried then.

    I know you are hurting right now and honestly nothing that anyone says to you is going to take the pain away immediately.  Just remember this… forgiving someone else is really not about them, it’s about you.  When you forgive someone else you are helping yourself more than you realize.  You loose the toxicity that remains in your body and your spirit when you forgive someone.  There are some that even believe that unforgiveness can lead to Cancer.

    We are all human, and whatever religion or not you practice, all capable of sin.  Even though it hurts almost more than you can bear, he did tell you and honestly he should have told you. And in as much as he is the “bad one” on this side of the story, he needed to tell you.   In many ways the reason he didn’t tell you was because he didn’t want to loose you.  And that in and of it self does demonstrate Love.

    I don’t know you and I don’t know your husband.  But I do know this, too many people don’t fight for their marriages any more and that truly is not only sad, it is an abomination.  You have built a life together and you have many plans for your future.  If this is truly the only thing that he has done, then I implore you to work through it.  Go to counseling, make him regain your trust.  And take this from one who knows, it is possible even though right now it might not seem that way.

    I forgave my husband, we worked through it.  He had to jump through hoops for several years! And he did it!  But I can not imagine my life without him, we have 3 beautiful daughters and have gone through so much together.  I hope that you can do the same.

    Post # 74
    Member
    773 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I agree with some of the PP’s.  I understand you’re hurt, but people DO make mistakes, and it was in the infancy of your relationship.  He never cheated on you again, and you’ve been together for a lot longer than that.  I think you should talk to him about it, and give him another chance.  Do you want to throw away your marriage over something that happened so long again and one time.  If it were recent I think that would be different.  That’s not the case here.  

    Post # 75
    Member
    4544 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I’m suprised at how many people are telling the OP to just forget about it and honor her vows. I don’t think anyone can say what she should or should not do. She may choose to forgive and move on or she may not. But I don’t think she’s wrong either way. Yes it happened years ago, but he exposed her to STDS (as one Bee said) and betrayed her trust and she has a right to feel how she feels and choose to do what she wants, vows or not.

    Post # 76
    Member
    10713 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’ve found (from my ex FI) that sometimes when they just come out and tell you these things it’s to make themselves feel better because it’s happened more than once and they are starting to feel bad about it or feel like they could get caught soon. I’d just make sure this was the only time he cheated before trying to learn to trust him again. I’m not saying he cheated more than once I’m just saying it doesn’t hurt to sit down and talk about it openly and make sure it was only once.

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