(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you
    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on : (79 votes)
    25 %
    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason : (216 votes)
    69 %
    Something else? : (19 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 77
    Member
    10713 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Can I also add… I’ve only been with my Fiance a little over a year. If he cheated now (engaged or not) I’d be crushed… a year into the relationship is not a short amount of time.

    Post # 78
    Member
    785 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I’m sorry that this has happened to you, but if he was capable of first cheating on you and then keeping it secret for 3.5 years, then what else is he keeping secret?  I would need a really damn good reason to trust him again before EVER taking him back.

    That being said, if he can show true remorse AND gain back your trust, then I think you can probably build back your relationship.

    Post # 79
    Member
    706 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @nhanvey: There is no “law” saying you have to be monogamous in a marriage, either–that doesn’t mean it’s “ok” to cheat in a marriage. Dating couples make plenty of “vows” together, too–“Let’s be exclusive,” “let’s be honest to each other,” “I love you and want to be with you.” I don’t get the argument that because they weren’t married, breaking these implicit vows is somehow ok. They were presumably the same people before they were married as after, aside from the natural evolving that occurs to people over time. The marriage is an extension of the relationship that came before it, not a separate entity.

    Also, plenty of people decide to get married after a year of dating, so I don’t really get the argument that “this was at the beginning of their relationship.” A year is a long time to be together and I certainly wouldn’t say it’s at the “beginning” of anything and honestly it sounds like they have been together less than 5 years. A year into their relationship in this context is not an insignificant.

    I’m not saying this to push the OP towards breaking up with her husband (or vice versa), but to justify all of the OP’s hurt, anger, and shock because she will have to be 100% open and honest about all of these things both to herself and to her husband if she wants to be able to move past them and move forward. 

    I’ve said this before, but the biggest thing that concerns me about this is that he didn’t use protection with this girl and he potentially put you in danger by not telling you. Did he get tested afterwards? Do you two always use condoms when having sex? I think this bothers me so much because it speaks beyond whatever heated actions he may have done “in the moment” and into the fabric of your relationship–whether, once he’s come down from that/sobered up/etc., he respects you enough to protect you from possible harm even if that means facing the possible end of something he loves. THAT, to me, is where the real issue lies. People lie, they cheat, they make mistakes and couples get over them, but if he didn’t tell you about this and possibly put you in danger (assuming he didn’t get tested for STDs afterwards, which might change things slightly if he did), he was making the daily mistake of putting his own comfort and well-being over yours. And that, to me, is the unacceptable thing. It’s possible this didn’t really cross his mind (though unlikely if it leapt to mind when you were thinking of starting a family), but you should definitely have a conversation about what this means about his respect for you/lack thereof.

    Post # 80
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    First of all, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for everything you must be feeling right now. I can’t imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel.

    I don’t think you can decide, just yet, where to go from here. I think you need to sit down with your husband again and let him talk. It sounds like in many ways he is a wonderful guy who loves you tremendously, and I imagine that the guilt and shame he has felt over this for years has been devastating, so in some ways I do feel sorry for him.

    At the same time, it was obviously very wrong of him to cheat. What troubles me most is that he asked you to marry him without coming clean about this. To me, that is the gravest kind of deception–asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you while keeping them in the dark about something so serious. Express to him how deceived, and taken in, and foolish you feel, and see what he says.

    I don’t know that pushing him away and seeking time alone is the right answer. I would advise asking him to come back, because I don’t think you will make much progress in your decision without seeing and talking to him. You may feel that you’ve made up your mind, and find that resolution crumbling within minutes of seeing him again. Sleep in separate rooms for now if you wish, but I really think you need to grieve together and communicate in order to figure out where this is going. He is your best friend, and the person you turn to with your troubles and heartache–in some ways, this is no different.

    If you do decide to stay with him, my advice is to find a shared activity that could help to redeem him in your eyes. Perhaps you could do some kind of volunteer work together. It’s natural and probably unavoidable to feel that one’s SO has to “atone” in some way for the hurt they’ve caused you, but I think it’s incredibly important to find some way to channel that process into something positive. If you watch your husband trying to help others and make the world a better place in order to make up for all the grief and anguish he’s caused you, it’ll be so much better for both of you and for your relationship than the more common/natural reaction (“he hurt me, so I’ll hurt him back”).

    I wish you all the best, and I hope that you find some way of working things out.

     

    Post # 81
    Member
    5109 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Ok it was a long time ago. I feel like he should have told you before you got married so you could make that decision then. I know how hurt you are feeling I have been there, but at least he had the balls to come clean to you. Everyone wants an open and honest relationship at least you have that somewhat. You need to talk to him and maybe with a counciler. Get to the bottom of why he cheated and if he is happy with everything in hislife now and and wont do it again. Which Im thinking he wont simply because he hasnt since (I think he would have told you) and that was a long time ago probably before you even started talking about marriage. Again Im sorry  your going through this I know how this feels and my thoughts are with you. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I think your reaction seems over-the-top. It sucks that it happened, and it sucks that he waited so long to come clean, but I’m assuming he’s been faithful ever since. That’s three years. That HAS to count for something. I say give him a chance.

    Post # 83
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m gonna pretend I’m you and put myself in your shoes. What would i do? I scream and shout and probably rip up some of his things and most definitely kick him out. I literally feel sick about this. It’s a worst nightmare scaenario and i think it’s wrong for people to undermine the significance of it on you and to suggest you’re overreacting. You’re not. You’ve been massively betrayed by someone you thought you could trust. Someone you love and have put your faith in. That’s a huge slap in the face.

    Honestly, he’s a prick for cheating but if it’s once then yeah, maybe you can forgive him. But he’s an even bigger prick for having unprotected sex with a stranger (seriously?? if he was sober enough to perform, he was sober enough to wear a condom) and then lying to you about it.

    I’m really imperssed you kicked him out. It is most definitely your choice what you do now. There is no wrong or right choice because everyone’s different and what you cannot forget/forgive, is not not necessarily the same for the next person. You cannot make this decision right now.

    That he is (hopefully) not cheated again since is promising but you have to decide if you can live with him now, and not throw this back in his face again and again. I would find that the hardest thing but….if you can do it, then you’re a strong woman. I have friends who have got through worse types of cheating and they now have strong marriages. But I couldn’t do it.

    I’m thinking of you xxx

    Post # 84
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Secondly I’m shocked at people telling you to “honor your vows” (which is ironic because one of the people who says that is obviously on a 2nd marriage. Nothing wrong with that of course but an interesting argument to be made by such a person). Did he honor his vows by being HONEST, OPEN and completely TRUTHFUL to you? Did he HONOR your LOVE, FAITH and LOYALTY that he would always be the one to tell you anything, everything, to be the one to support you, help you, guide you, protect you?

     I feel your reaction was warranted. What concerns me most about this is that one: he didn’t tell you for so long, two: he didn’t seem to have any intention of telling you and it only came out for “health reasons”, three: he had unprotected sex with someone else and never told you, for all of you know you could have one of these sleeper STDs that show no symptoms but render you sterile (I’m sorry to scare you but I’m sure you’ve had health classes before) for crying out loud. Were it myself, I would for sure seperate from him for a few months, clear my head, GET TESTED FOR STDs first time I could get an appointment and as many others had suggested decide if this is worth you working through.

    As I said, what would bother me the most is that he didn’t tell you for so long when your health could be jeopardized. Futhermore, he didn’t tell you then because he was obviously afraid you would leave him, do you truly believe he would never do it again? He cheated on you and knowingly all of those times said that he would never hurt you, glad you don’t have to deal with that, etc,etc. Those are the nails in the coffin to me. He basically waited until it was “safe” to tell you, until you were too emotionally invested to easily leave and has been quite cowardly and selfish in doing that. Thank goodness you found out before having a child with him…

    So to sum up what I would do if I were you: would seperate, have him move out (assuming you can support yourself which I hope you can.) for minimum of a few months (but don’t act like there is a chance of it being temporary), decide what is best for YOU regardless of what everyone else in your life may think, try your best to stay low key from people who would complicate the situation (family mostly. If you get back together and your family know about this they may not accept him but you of course know your situation best), and move forward whatever you decide. For sure make him sweat though. Long and hard. Make him think you’d never take him back. If it turns out you like that idea, stick with it, if not, make him go to counseling with you, and tell him point blank that he had better not be surprised if for a long time you don’t trust him where says where he has been or what he’s been doing. If it were me I would even request he not drink anymore or not for a while if as he claims that is the only reason it happened. If thats true then if he never drinks, it will never happen again.

    Good luck sweeheat and always remember you are strong. Maybe not right now but you will be. *hug*

    Post # 85
    Member
    4544 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @pandasgomow: I’m with you. The OP needs to sort through her feelings and decide what she wants to do, whatever that may be. Not just blindly “honor her vows” because it happened awhile ago. If she chooses to stay with him, that’s her choice but she shouldn’t do it just because of her vows.

    Post # 86
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I know this is such a dumb question and apologize for asking but how do you do the @screename thing?!

    Post # 87
    Member
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    View original reply
    @pandasgomow: All you have to do is click the “reply” link at the bottom of the post you want to reply to. 🙂 It’s right in between the “_____ {time} ago” and “flag” links.

    Post # 88
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    View original reply
    @Mrs Grape: Haha. WOW. Thank you so much! :D. Sorry to hijack a little.

    Post # 89
    Member
    106 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    First of all I am so sorry! Second, I think you should take some time to cool down and think through some stuff. Don’t make any hastey decisions while your angry you might regret them. Also, only if you want I would talk it out with him. Good luck with everything! I hope everything works out for the best!!

    Post # 90
    Member
    511 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    OP; You’re a very brave woman, but if you think it’ll never be something you can forget and that’ll forever hinder your relationship with this man, i’d consider leaving.

     

    View original reply
    @shedayz: really? 1:2 men cheat?

    Did your man cheat on you? Cause mine’s never cheated on me.

    Post # 91
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @Lilubird:

    Sounds like none of us can be sure of that 100%!

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