Post # 92
Wow. I don’t think that’s an overreaction at all. I would have gone all Elin Nordegren on his ass. So to sum up… this gem of a guy:
1) slept with someone else knowing that you could find out and that it would hurt you, but did it anyway;
2) blatantly lied about it for years; and
3) put your health in danger by potentially exposing you to STDs.
So this is the kind of guy who says he loves you, and does nice things for you but when it comes down to it he does something that he knows will basically rip your heart out of your chest with absolutely no regard for your feelings, your relationship or your health, and then lies about it to your face over and over again. And how the heck will you ever know for sure if that was the only time he was unfaithful? He sure didnt feel badly enough about it to come clean after it happened, so it’s not like his guilt would have prevented it from happening again.
A year is enough time to be exclusive and serious about the other person. The fact that there was no ring on your finger makes no difference to the principle here.
I don’t know why people keep settling for less than they deserve just because they think it’s better to stay married. Newsflash: being lonely in a marriage is way worse than being lonely on your own.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the man you married to love you. I don’t know about you, but if a man says he loves me, I assume he means that he cares about my feelings and would not do something knowing that it would hurt me, that he doesn’t want to lose me and would not do something that would risk it, that he wants to protect me from everything bad in the world (STD’s being just the tip of the iceberg there), and that if he did any of the above he would be so torn up about it that he would not be able to look me in the eye and lie about it, but would beg for forgiveness instantly. I know that’s how I feel when I love another person, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much in return.
You are in my thoughts, and I’m so so sorry you are going through this. It is NOT okay and you are not being ridiculous at all.
Post # 93
@wheretogo: It’s been a while since we heard from you. Are you doing alright? Any updates?
Post # 94
So here I am, almost three days later and I am still numb. THANK YOU all so much for your thoughts. I know this is something I have to decide for myself, but it helps getting outsiders’ views.
To answer some of your concerns:
1. I have been tested for STDs, so I am good to go there.
2. Do I think this was a one-time thing? I mean, I honestly have no idea. If you had asked me on Thursday morning if I thought he had/would ever cheat on me, my response would have been “100% no. That’s why I married him.” I feel as though I do not know him anymore. I never saw a single red flag. I have been in relationships before that have failed and I wasn’t necessarily surprised. But not here. I am completely dumbfounded right now.
He is now gone for the week for work. I do not plan on speaking with him while he’s gone. But I still have no idea what to do. I’m looking a our wedding pictures and all I can think is “I was tricked into marrying someone who lied to me for everyday for 3.5 years.” Even if I were to ever find it in my heart to forgive him (of which I am very doubtful), how do I get past the feeling that everything we had is now tainted? I can no longer look at this man as the one person I trust and respect above all else. Yes, I thought wat we had was great. But I can’t help but feel that it was ALL built on LIES. If he cheated on me today, how would that be any worse than having cheated on me years ago? No, we hadn’t said our vows yet, but I don’t think I WOULD have said those vows had I known.
Right now I think staying would be easiest. I could learn to love him again and “give him a second chance.” But I think the stronger thing to do would be to walk away and not settle for someone who woud do this me. They do exist, right? Even though we had a future planned out, I agree with PP that it’s worse to be lonely in a marriage than lonely by yourself. I just….can’t.
Post # 95
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
I have to say, coming from a person who isn’t married but is in a very serious relationship, I am astounded at the number of people who think you should get over this and give him another chance. I tell my boyfriend all the time if he cheated on me and I found out, that would be the end because I KNOW I could never get over seeing him as a cheater.
It’s great that he’s been good to you, but I don’t think it’s right that he had UNPROTECTED SEX and didn’t care enough about you and your health to tell you soon after the fact. You could have contracted some sort of STD and wouldn’t have known to get yourself checked out.
I’m also annoyed by people quoting the vows you took and telling you you shouldn’t have reacted how you reacted. To me, your vows are null and void because you entered into that marriage under false pretenses. Would you have married him if you knew he had cheated on you while you were dating?
So, basically, in my opinion, you don’t owe him another chance.
Post # 96
oh honey. I am sooo sooo sorry you are feeling like this. I wish there were magic words I could say to make you feel better. I really dont have much more advice but I wanted to say good luck and keep us posted. oh and to answer your question…yes, they do still exist 🙂 Oh, and I think your actions and how you are dealing with this is right now. You are being so strong!!!
Post # 97
That’s not how statistics work. And that statistic is generated from questionnaires that men answer, not that women answer about their men. You can be sure that a majority of the men answer truthfully on a questionnaire because it is anonymous, but they lie to their SO’s face.
I think that you taking this one hour at a time is a good plan. And it seems like you are really taking the time to think about you and what you need and want. Not to downplay this at all, but I have been thinking about your situation a lot and about cheating and lying and betraying trust in general. I don’t think you should stay if you could never forgive him, but I want you to think about all the people that have lied to you in general and betrayed you. Maybe it hasn’t happened all that frequently to you, but I know that if I kicked everyone out of my life that let me down in a HUGE way, I would indeed be lonely.
Post # 98
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I would be upset and devistated as well. Only time can tell if you can get through it, take it day by day.
Post # 99
I think you should do what you need to do in order to be happy. If this isn’t something you can move beyond and forgive, then you’ll end up miserable, and using it to make sure he’s just as miserable. I definitely think you did the right thing telling him to move out. You need your space to work this out; it may have been years ago for him, but you just found out. If you do decide to try and work it out with him, you might want to get a couple’s therapist to help you. It’s a lot of anger and hurt to sort through, and sometimes you do need someone to help you learn how to deal with it in a way that won’t make everything worse.
Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship; sometimes people come through it stronger, with a new appreciation for what they have.
A word of caution: until you decide what to do about it, you might want to refrain from sharing this with friends and family. If you decide to work it out, it might be harder if you have to face disapproval from people who think you should’ve left him.
Post # 100
I rarely post, but I feel compelled to post here.
I think what he did was very wrong- there is no doubt about that. Regardless of a ring, 1 year into a relationship is serious enough to not sleep with someone else.
I also think it was selfish of him to tell you now and put you in this position. Why hurt you and make you question everything? Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I think it was selfish because now he has peace of mind that he came clean. And now you’re left with heartbreak and misery.
I know you feel like it is, but your relationship isn’t all built on lies. Yes, he lied. Once. (Hopefully that’s all it was)…but all of the tender moments between the two of you were not lies. Your vows were not lies. Do not torture yourself in thinking this. I believe it is totally possible to have a meaningless mistake of a one night stand but to still love your partner.
Whether or not you can forgive him is your own choice. I think I could- but I’m not you and I’m not faced with the situation. No one can say what they would do without being in your shoes.
You are not wrong for reacting the way you did. You were hurt, angry, and confused. And you’re not wrong for any decision you make. But don’t question everything. He married you because he loves you. He made a mistake….a very bad mistake and lied about it, probably so he wouldn’t lose you. It is wrong and hurtful, but not unforgiveable.
Good luck and my heart goes out to you.
Post # 101
My heart goes out to you, especially upon reading your latest update. You sound so very upset and betrayed (which you were). I can see where you can feel like you were tricked into marrying him, given you wouldn’t have married him if you’d known about it. Personally, I don’t think I’d be any less hurt if my DH cheated on me before we were married as opposed to after. In my mind, cheating is cheating no matter if you’re dating, engaged, or married. I think it’s a good thing that he’s gone this week for work. It will give you a chance to clear your head and figure out what you want to do. It sounds like you have a pretty clear idea of what you want to do, but take some time and make sure that’s 100% what you want to do. Sometimes it’s easier to stay, but that doesn’t always mean that’s the right choice.
And yes, there are men who wouldn’t do something like this!
Post # 102
I am astounded at the number of people who told you to stay because you made a vow “for better or for worse.” Of course, everyone is free to interpret their marriage vows differently – but to me, cheating and lying are in no way included in “for better or for worse.” To me, that phrase refers to life situations. It does not in anyway give your partner permission to hurt you and MAKE your life worse. And yes, lying to you about cheating on you IS hurtful. Marriage is not, and never should be, unconditional in that sense. You are NEVER required to put up with anything and everything your partner does, just because you agreed to “for better or for worse.” You may find it in your heart to forgive him, and I truly hope that it will work out for both of you, but you are in no way obligated to do so because of your marriage vows.
Post # 103
I’m still thinking about you! Days later! Please be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to make a decision you can be at peace with. Best to you!
Post # 104
“I know it sounds harsh, but just because it happened several years ago, I am expected to just forgive and forget?
i have not read the whole thread, but i wanted to talk about this point here…obviously this is not me and i don’t know the particulars and i can’t say for sure what i personally would do without being in the situation, so you can take this and apply it or not. firstly, you’re not expected to do anything. secondly, if you do forgive, don’t do it because it was years ago…do it because it was a one-time, emotionless, drunken mistake. and thirdly, if you’re going to forgive, don’t do it easily. make him earn it…make him pay for 4.5 years of covering it…make him work to gain your trust back. if it were me though, i’m pretty sure i’d give him the chance. i’d want to know that the last 4.5 years weren’t a lie in essentials.
as far as forgetting…i don’t think you ever will. if you do forgive him, even though you remember, i hope you don’t hang it over his head…that’s not really how forgiveness works. you’ve got a tough road ahead of you, no matter what happens. i’m sorry you’re going through this. (((HUGS)))
Post # 105
I believe in forgiveness because we aren’t perfect. I also believe there is a big difference btwn an affair and a one night stand because of my own life experiences. You both need to get into counseling to discuss if your marriage can survive. Once you both have given your all to deal w/ this challenge, I believe you will be confident in the your decision.
You and your DH are in my prayers.
Post # 106
I am SO SO sorry you’re going through this! It is definitely a tough situation to be in and I don’t think you overreacted at all. I have been cheated on before with a guy I dated a few years ago. I think how you find out kind of determines what you might want to do about the relationship. In my case I found out my bf was cheating on me the night before he came home from Iraq, and when I confronted him about it after he got back he completely denied it and told me I was crazy. I dumped him and didn’t regret it one bit as I found out afterwards from another girl that found me online that he had done this to a bunch of other girls. As horrible as the situation is, at least one positive you have is that though he did wait a long time he finally did tell you about it and it sounds like he truly regrets it. Though it will definitely be hard, I think since you are married you should take some time and think about it, and if you decide to work through it I’m sure some marriage or family counseling would definitely be good for the two of you. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do in this situation except for yourself, but I would recommend taking some time to think about it, and then getting some counseling and talk about it. He’s going to have to re-earn your trust, and though you will never forget it you will have to try to forgive him to move on past this. Anyway I am so sorry you are in this situation, just take time to think clearly about it and decide if it is something you think you can forgive.