I just want to first say that I am sorry this has happened. That can’t be said enough.
And I’m also shocked at those who say it was long ago and it shouldn’t matter. I have to assume those people have never felt that pain of betrayal. It can get DEEP, you guys.
I don’t think you should just throw it all away either, at least not right now. You need to take time to BREATHE, THINK, and be STILL. Don’t make any rash decisions when you’re feeling so many different emotions.
This is a shitty situation for all parties involved and especially you. But maybe I can offer some kind of solace?
Have you asked him what he has done to make sure it never happened again? Did you notice sudden behaviors of him trying to clean up his drinking on his own? Did he completely stop hanging out with that friend he got drunk with, or stop drinking to the point where you wondered why? Has he ever kept in contact with the woman he slept with?
I’ve been in this position (obviously) years ago and *he* quasi cheated with a co-worker. A “friend” he used to mention frequently and I thought she was a friend and nothing was going on. Suddenly months later he casually mentioned he actively moved his desk far away from her and pretty much everyone and decided to stay by himself and focus on work. Her name was suddenly gone from his phone too.
I thought it was extremely odd but let it go, and thought nothing of it until he told me what happened and how they messed around. So I put two and two together. I then found an email where she was questioning why he suddenly stopped talking to her and why he was acting weird when they were such good “friends” (that really pissed me off).
The whole situation pissed me off, but I realized he realized he made a huge mistake and tried to distance himself until he could find a new job. At the time I was so angry so it wasn’t much solace but it was something. I was relieved he no longer wanted to stay in contact with her.
If your hubby showed any signs of changing in any way over the years, like he stopped hanging out at night suddenly, stopped drinking, stopped hanging with that particular friend or any friends that would enable him, then MAYBE you can see that as a sign too.
Counseling helped for us, but make sure to find a counselor that specializes in infidelity. Make sure your counselor doesn’t take any obvious sides.