(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you

    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on

    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason

    Something else?

  • Post # 107
    Member
    185 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m really sorry this happened to you. 🙁 IMO, it’s just too easy for people to be “forgiven” for their poor choices. We are not children. He chose to drink…go to a bar….pick up a woman…have unprotected sex with “who only knows.”….be deceptive….

    People need to be held accountable. Some women find it easy to forgive. I’m not one of those women. I could never look in his eyes again with that bond…that trust.

    Even if I chose to stay in the marriage, I couldn’t forgive and it wouldn’t be the same.

     

    All the best to you. ((HUG))

    Post # 108
    Member
    490 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    First off, I am sorry that this has happened to you. Frown  Secondly, this is really up to you and what you feel about cheating.  Everyone has a different attitude towards it and deal with it differently.  For me, cheating is cheating and I could never trust that person again.  I will always wonder if it will happen again.  Since it was a couple of years ago, maybe give yourself some time and then talk to him and see what happens.  Good luck. *hug*

    Post # 110
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    View original reply
    @wheretogo I think going to a counselor is the best thing. Listen, you don’t need to feel like forgiving him right this instant. It is going to take time. You are going to hate him for a while. Eventually though, you’ll know what to do — whatever that is.

    Another poster who has been married 23 years mentioned something about things not always being perfect. You, unfortunately, have found that out. I am older than many here and could tell you story upon story. What you are going through is not unusual, but it sucks. It totally, completely, horribly sucks. I wish I could give you a hug. I know the pain you are in. It’s hell. Utter hell. But for your sake, at least give it a chance. He messed up. Him coming back shows me that he knows how tremendously he messed up.

    Wishing you lots of strength, luck and love.

    ETA: I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’d be shocked by the number of people who’ve had to put their lives back together after an indiscretion. Many do not talk about it. You probably only hear about the ones that end in divorce. So it is possible to re-build, but it won’t be easy.

    Post # 111
    Member
    1363 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I don’t know if this has already been said but before I say it, I want to say that if this were me, I’d be devastated and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    What he did, essentially, is take away your right to choose. He took the cowards route and married you so it would be more difficult for you to leave (if that’s what you chose to do). He’s sorry? Too little too late. He took this part of himself, gave it to another woman, hid that secret for years, married you and tells you now? Like he should get some sort of medal for coming clean. NO WAY. I’m not saying leave, but I know I would. Whether forever or temporarily, I would still leave to show him what he did to you is not right and will never be condoned in your eyes.

    If he cheated once and successfully hid it, is he capable of doing it again, seeing as you “could” be so forgiving?

    Edit after reading your update: I truly hope therapy helps. And I truly hope he knows what he did was wrong. Best wishes to you.

    Post # 112
    Member
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I’m surprised at how many people seem to think that it was a long time ago and it was only once, so it is somehow less egregious?   A few things:

    1) I wouldn’t be so sure that this only happened one time.  He kept this from you for 3.5 years. I’d be suspicious that this wasn’t the only time. (I’ve been cheated on before and I find that most of the time, it’s not just one time…but your story may be different.)

    2) He lied for a long time – that’s a big deal. This may have happened 3.5 years ago, but you just found out about it and the hurt is new and very real.  You need to deal with it as you see fit.  Whether it happened yesterday or 10 years ago, it is still a betrayal and you can feel whatever you want to feel about it.

    Post # 113
    Member
    1995 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I would give him a chance. Granted it was wrong, it was wrong to keep it from you but I think you guys still have a chance together.  I say see what happens if you talk – see which he appologizes for 1st.  Talk about couples councelling.  Good luck!

    Post # 114
    Member
    1995 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I agree with

    View original reply
    @blu77 what you are going through unfortunately isn’t that unusual and of course it sucks but people get through it.  Maybe you can to.  If you both want it enough and can work hard enough to get through the very difficult parts in your relationship.  I wish you the best!

    Post # 115
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I’m so sorry to hear this 🙁 

    I’m also in the camp of trying to work it out, if for no other reason than you seem to have had a good relationship since then and I do believe that a lot of conditions that lead people to cheat become less and less applicable as you mature and so do your friends.  I cheated on a boyfriend once, and it was because I was young and stupid and drank so much that I blacked out and a guy i had longstanding sexual tension with happened to be there.  These days, I don’t generally go to parties by myself, and I certainly don’t drink like that whether my husband is there or not.  There are just so many reaosns why I would not put myself in that position at my age (even if I weren’t married, but especially since I am!) and hopefully the same is true of your husband.  It doesn’t stop it from being devastating, but at least there’s something to work with if you believe that this wasn’t something he sought out and might look for again.

    That said, I don’t think I’d let him come back without a fight/separation that he will never forget, but I would be careful to handle it in a way that forces him to reflect on the fact that cheating on you was NOT worth it, rather than allowing him to think that being honest wasn’t worth it.  You are not the bad guy here, and ultimately, you make the decision about whether you can move forward with this — he needs to have that very clear and be appropriately contrite.  Sending lots of hugs and the best of luck!

    Post # 116
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee

    my man cheated on me and i found out myself. I am SO agianst cheating its not even funny like onc a cheater always a cheater kinda mentality but becuze your husband was honest and told you i would seriously reconsider and give him another chance. MY so Ruined me by not telling me butif he did like yours did i would yes get very upset , take a break from him for a week or two then give him another chance. EVERY ONE DERSERVES A SECOND CHANCE, everyone..

    Post # 117
    Member
    726 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    So many people with so much advice. I just want to say Im sorry and thats terrible, I would be a mess. Now you have to think about your relationship and ask yourself if its worth saving. Thats the only thing you can do. You should take your time, be upset- then when your ready you decide how you think the rest of your life will go with this man and if its worth it. It is very hard to forgive and I know that I can forgive but never forget, it makes things hard. Best wishes hun.

    Post # 118
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Only you can decide to leave or stay.. 

    but if you decide to stay.. his life needs to be a living hell earning back your trust.

    He needs to see a marriage therapist, he should definitely be out of the house for a while.. he needs to work his ass off to get you back.

    The last thing you want to do if you decide to take him back, is to give him the impression that what he did only caused a few days of pain for him that were no big deal to get through.

    Post # 119
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee

    I just want to first say that I am sorry this has happened. That can’t be said enough.

    And I’m also shocked at those who say it was long ago and it shouldn’t matter. I have to assume those people have never felt that pain of betrayal. It can get DEEP, you guys. 

    I don’t think you should just throw it all away either, at least not right now. You need to take time to BREATHE, THINK, and be STILL. Don’t make any rash decisions when you’re feeling so many different emotions.

    This is a shitty situation for all parties involved and especially you. But maybe I can offer some kind of solace?

    Have you asked him what he has done to make sure it never happened again? Did you notice sudden behaviors of him trying to clean up his drinking on his own? Did he completely stop hanging out with that friend he got drunk with, or stop drinking to the point where you wondered why? Has he ever kept in contact with the woman he slept with?

    I’ve been in this position (obviously) years ago and *he* quasi cheated with a co-worker. A “friend” he used to mention frequently and I thought she was a friend and nothing was going on. Suddenly months later he casually mentioned he actively moved his desk far away from her and pretty much everyone and decided to stay by himself and focus on work. Her name was suddenly gone from his phone too.

    I thought it was extremely odd but let it go, and thought nothing of it until he told me what happened and how they messed around. So I put two and two together. I then found an email where she was questioning why he suddenly stopped talking to her and why he was acting weird when they were such good “friends” (that really pissed me off). 

    The whole situation pissed me off, but I realized he realized he made a huge mistake and tried to distance himself until he could find a new job. At the time I was so angry so it wasn’t much solace but it was something. I was relieved he no longer wanted to stay in contact with her.

    If your hubby showed any signs of changing in any way over the years, like he stopped hanging out at night suddenly, stopped drinking, stopped hanging with that particular friend or any friends that would enable him, then MAYBE you can see that as a sign too. 

    Counseling helped for us, but make sure to find a counselor that specializes in infidelity. Make sure your counselor doesn’t take any obvious sides.

    Good luck.

     

    Post # 120
    Member
    3798 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    When my ex cheated, I gave him a second chance and we broke up a few weeks after. The trust was gone and there was no getting me to ever put effort into the relationship again. And no, we were not married, but we were together for 3 years and married or not, that is a long time with someone.

    If my Fiance told me he cheated during our 1st year together, I’d never trust him again. I would never trust that it didn’t happen more than once and I would not marry him. I don’t believe in cheating, I dont’ buy the ‘but I was drunk’ excuse, and I would never be able to trust someone if they did that. Even if it was years ago, I would lose all trust for that person.

    I’m not going to tell you what to do. Other than get an STD test, (seriously, you never know WHAT he slept with…the part about not using protection made me sick) you have to live with the choice you make, whether it is to stay and work it out or if it is to leave. Good luck with therapy, and I hope that whatever choice you make, you are able to move forward with your life and be happy.

    Post # 121
    Member
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I can’t say what I would do if I were in your shoes, except that I know I would be devastated.

    Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best.

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