(Closed) I was cheated on and have no idea what to do

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you found after, after marriage, your husband cheated on you while you were dating; would you

    Run away. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on

    Stay and give him a chance. He obviously married you for Some reason

    Something else?

  • Post # 122
    Member
    315 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    SOrry this has happened. But I think that you should give him another chance based on what you have said. Also I think that you have a right to be mad and you were wronged. But at that said I would not “punish” him but let him earn your trust again and get counseling. I am a little confused on the part about the health risk? Neither of you were tested before you got married? I hope that this has not caused any complications for you to get pregnant because if that’s the case then it will be much harder to move forward. I think part of him confessing had to do with his own guilt. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Good that maybe he feels guilty and bad that it took him so long to tell you. I hope it all works out and that it makes you both stronger and better people.

    Post # 124
    Member
    342 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    This is something he should have said BEFORE the wedding. I would’ve had the same exact reaction you did. Having said that, he wants to be with you. My sister was married for 5 years and he was cheating on her for almost a entire year. When she found out, she was completely humuliated and she still wanted to try and stay with him, but guess what, he didn’t want to. So they got a divorce. (no kids at least)

    It is such a personal decision for you. I would say follow your heart.

    Post # 125
    Member
    1187 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m a little late but figured I would post anyway. Normally, I have NO tolerance for cheating and would tell you to run far, far away. BUT not this time. I feel a year into dating isn’t too serious. MY Fiance & I casually dated for almost 2 years, in that time I saw other people and I’ve always assumed he had too (but I don’t really know). I would put TTC on hold until you’re in a better place, but until then, work on the relationship and give him another shot. I’m sure things will work out. good luck!

    Post # 126
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: May 2000

    i’m sure this has already been resolved, but i’d like to put in my two cents:

    Marriage is hard.  Things happen during a marriage (and sometimes before) that are painful and difficult to deal with.  If you are not married, and your guy goes DOG, you have the option to leave him.  If you are married, that option is somewhat diminished.  Like it or not, it’s not all good times and health and richness.  That’s why they include bad times, sickness and poorer in the vows.  I agree with posters who say that he did you wrong by cheating before you were married.  Had you found out then, the decision would probably have been simpler.  the fact that you are struggling with it so much is a testament to your own integrity, kudos.  Dating people provides the opportunity to feel out what you are willing to tolerate before marriage.  But (hopefully) most of us find that the one we marry is the one, despite his many failings, we still have love for.  Love is a powerful thing.  If you can still feel love for him, in spite of this new information, your answer is clear.  If having known it, you do not love him, then the answer is also clear.  It always blows my mind that when my husband (11 years) and i bicker and fight, i have to ultimately admit to myself that i still love him.  i think that is the fundamental difference between dating and marriage. 

    One last thing – no, you are not expected to simply forgive and forget.  He screwed up, but wow, he has some kind of nerve for being willing to admit it.  It is certainly much easier to never come clean.  You don’t have to forgive, and i imagine you will never forget.  What you do need to do is accept, one way or the other.  Allow yourself the natural grieving process of that once-untarnished trust, and see if he will make good on his efforts to rebuild it.  If he doesn’t, then you’ve tried, if he does, you may find a new closeness to him, considering he was willing to sacrifice the safety of his lie, to be honest with his wife.  Good luck to both of you – blessings. C.

    Post # 127
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @PutABirdOnIt: “A MINOR indiscretion”?? Really? He had unprotected sex with another woman, and probably continued a sexual relationship with the OP after. Not only was it wrong, he put her health at risk. I see what you’re saying, but calling it a “minor” thing is a serious understatement.

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: I don’t think you overreacted at all. And you’re right for questioning the relationship. I would say forgive him and seek couples’ counseling, but the cherry on top is that he had unprotected sex with this woman and continued to sleep with you afterward. If it were me, I would have him go get tested for every STD and STI under the sun, and I would go get tested too. That tells me that he disregarded your health and well-being that night, and everyday since then, by not having sense enough to at least use protection. And screw “it just happened”. During the process of meeting the woman, getting to a private room or whatever, kissing, foreplay, and sex, there were plenty of chances to say no, and he didn’t take it. So no, it didn’t “just happen”. Something “just happening” is if he knocked over a vase on accident. Sorry if this sounds passionate, but the story and some of the responses are mind blowing. Now that you’re married, seriously evaluate the rest of your relationship and decide whether it’s worth letting go. If you forgive him, you cannot hold it over his head anymore. That will drive you two further apart. Definitely stop TTC for now, get tested, and spend some time apart so both of you can gather your thoughts and re-evaluate your relationship.

    Post # 128
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I’m actually going thru a similar situation and our wedding was supposed to be in November. I kicked my fiance out and it gave him time to reflect what he was losing as well as time for me to realize if I do love him or was comfortable. He didn’t know if I would take him back and he did everything to get me back. My family knew of it too and he asked for their forgiveness too. It was hard to leave him cause we were together for so long and my family really did love him  as much as I did.I am definitley seeing a change in him and see him trying to be a better person (walking the talk, ya know). Whether it was a year ago, two years, or 10 years it still hurts but I geniunley think you should try to work it out. Make him know you mean business and this will def be unaccaceptable in the future. But i think situations like these can truley define a relationship because it is thru “better or worse” right. Good luck to you and God bless.

    PS. I know alot of people will say run, cause that’s what they told me but it just matter what’s in your heart. Right now your angry but take the time you need to reflect on your relationship and whether you want/can work it out.

    Post # 129
    Member
    2166 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think you hit the nail on the head….. while I’m deciding what to do, I am having trouble finding a balance between “punishing” him and “making him earn my trust back.”


    From when I found out my Fiance emotionaly cheated on me Fi found that the wanting to ‘punish’ him went away when I forgave him.

    Until I forgave him, I couldn’t begin to actually get on the road of him earning my trust back.

    And you won’t have to make him, it will be something he does on all on his own.  Or it should be something he does on his own, or really and truly? it won’t work,

    Post # 130
    Member
    117 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Holy crap that sucks.  He took your choice away from you, and that is the worst feeling in the world.  I was wondering if his “buddy” was at your wedding–do you know him/associate with him?  If you are all at least still acquaintances, to me, that is shady that his friend never encouraged your man to fess up/mention something to you. I need to read the next three pages here, but this is my first reaction.  He took your choice away, broke your trust, and who is to say he hasn’t done it again or wouldn’t in another drunken stupor?  That would be MY biggest fear.  I am so sorry.  🙁

    Post # 131
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Sorry this happened to you!

    Please do not do anything rash right now. Let your emotions settle. Be with your family & friends. Do something you enjoy & take your mind of this. Pamper yourself with a mani/pedi & massage.

    Make your happiness your #1 priority.

    SENDING YOU LOTS OF {{{HUGS}}}

    Post # 132
    Member
    5879 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Marriages/relationships go thru many ups and downs. THis is a major down for you, but totally workable if you choice to stick it out. From what you have posted, I would absolutely try my best to work thru this. Unfortuntely, its always the people that we love the most that have the capacity to wound us the deepest, but that doesn’t make them a horrible person. Forgive, not even for him but for yourself. Mourn the loss of the trust and slowly try to get back there. IF thats what you want. Good luck.

    Post # 133
    Member
    5879 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I wish there would be less fanning the flames of with this STD talk, Yes he made a ridiculously poor choice. But the fact is she DOESN”T have an STD, And so far they are awaitig his results. SO clearly if they have been having unprotected sex for the last 3 years, chances are he doesn’t have one either. So once thats off the table are gonna keep picking at it like a scab?

    Post # 134
    Member
    788 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Any updates? I hope you’re okay. No matter what you decide to do, it will show your strength as a woman and as a wife to do whatever is best for you.

    Post # 135
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    2ndtimeacharm: Yeah, that’s messed up. If we all lived by that technicality, no one would make it to the altar.

    @Just_Squeeze: This!! First of all, I have to say, I always love the advice you give. I agree, he didn’t give her the choice. Contrary to what someone else said, I don’t agree that it’s “over and done with” just because it’s in the past. HE kept it in the past. But it still happened, and it isn’t her fault that he’s just now confessing it. It’s crazy to think that she should just brush it off and accept that it happened.

    To the OP: No, I don’t think you overreacted at all. Yes, you’re married to him now and I don’t think you should just give up on him necessarily. However, you promised to love, honor, and trust one another, and he allowed you to make promise knowing full well he’d already broken it.

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