(Closed) I Was Gorgeous, My Fiance Was Fat- Now the Table is Turned

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

One of the many problematic things about your post is the over-emphasis on how your weight gain affects him or holds him back, when your concerns for your own future are absent. You have an ivy league education and dated a guy for reasons that aren’t at all superficial, so it’s really hard to understand your current mentality. The one being held back right now is you. Recommend speaking with your general practitioner as well as a therapist to chart a new path forward.

Post # 47
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Your pendulum swung too far from one direction to another. You put too much emphasis on looks before and you’re doing it now, only with him.

You need to remember you’re awesome too. If all he ever cared about were your looks, shame on him. You’ve loved him with extra weight, why shouldn’t he love you too. Yes, you should take care of yourself for YOU, because you only get one body and being inactive is a death sentence.

But you shouldn’t have to look a certain way for your future husband to love you. You aren’t obese. You aren’t mean spirited or bitter or demanding. Love yourself and if he can’t love you too, that’s his loss. Babe or not. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  creativebee.
Post # 48
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This probably isnt relevant to your situation but sometimes others situations help.

I have the most gorgeous man I look at him every moment and think wow what did I do to get him and you know what he says he thinks exactly the same.

Im at least 3 stone overweight and I think how can he believe Im gorgeous how can he lay in bed and want to be near to me. He does and he wants to marry me and spend forever being with me he also has taken on 3 teenage children.
I have never been slim but I have been slimmer whilst I have been with him and he says he could not be any more attracted to me. For a long time I couldnt figure it out I had an ex husband who treat me terribly and said things I could never repeat.

I now know my problem is self worth not anything to do with how I look or wether I believe him its somebody trampled all over my confidence and slowly it is building up.
I just started to healthy eat as he has told me he will propose to me before September and Id like to be able to go out dress shopping and feel like the woman that he sees stood before him.

He loves you now you start to love yourself too xx

Post # 49
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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j_jaye:  You gave best reply on here! He must have worked his arse off for months to get that body and it’s a very new feeling for him to be admired; it’s natural he wants a little attention, probably from other men as much as from women. That doesn’t mean he’s looking elsewhere.

I was amazed (and a bit saddened) that the highest rated comments (other than j-Jayes’s) were the one that claimed the OP made it all up for a fiction competition or the one that rhetorically asked if her Fiance didn’t want her now she’s not hot. Quite a few comments were critical of the OP. I think it’s good to get a wide range of views out here but I don’t agree with them.

View original reply
swedish2miami:  You actually don’t sound superficial (you sound quite reflective), but it does sound like you move in incredibly superficial and judgemental circles, and as a  result of this influence you care far too much what others think. But you’re 24; that’s still very young and it’s normal at your age to worry about being accepted. I was really struck by your reference to ‘excellent ivy league’  universities. The type and high standard of university you went to was completely irrelevant to your post and added nothing to our understanding of your difficulties. So think about why you added that detail? I can only think on some level you are still occupied by the desire to impress others.

As others have said, you need to get your confidence up and feel better about yourself. I wouldn’t dwell on exercise as the only solution to your woes. I’m a proper gym bunny and I believe exercise is a great mood improver, but my weight goes up and down, and exercise has almost no bearing on it. It’s all about food. 60 pounds is a lot. Are you comfort eating? The danger is that in your current state of malaise you could put on even more weight if you go on like this. That won’t be good for your health and it definitely won’t be good for your happiness. Stop making excuses that you’re not in the mood. Make one change today. You could cut out chocolate or fizzy drinks, you could have a green smoothie in the morning rather than sugary cereal- just one little step right now to move in the right direction. Don’t expect instant results. Just try to ‘eat more like a normal/average person’ rather than see dieting as an all or nothing project you can fail at.

I also think losing your job is a bigger part of all this than you have made it out to be. Did you feel that working in a ‘glamour’ industry validated you in some way? Did you feel so completely depressed about your relationship before you lost the job? What are your current job plans? Can you use them as an exciting new focus?

And talk to your fiance about this. Tell him you’ve lost confidence in yourself. See what he says. It sounds like you love him very much and he loves you. But what I was wondering was: are you sure he’s the right guy for you? Are you 100% sure you actually enjoy each others’ company? Is there a part of you that thinks he ticks a lot of boxes and that you’d never find someone else good looking with you as you are now (whether that’s true or not- I’m sure it’s not)? I say this because you’re only 24 and you’ve been together since high school. You have both changed a lot, but it’s coincided with a period when most people change a lot because they are still growing into themselves. It’s common for break-ups to happen at this age. It’s a quarter life crisis point- I’m 40 but I remember the angst clearly- nearly all my friends went through it in their mid 20s. You are probably more normal than you think. Are you sure all those changes have been physical? Or have your aspirations and lives changed too much as well? Are you blaming your changes in appearance for other underlying problems or worries about your relationship? I might be barking up the wrong tree, but I think it’s worth asking yourself just to check.

 

Post # 50
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am thinking that if he is the nice guy you say he is, that his love will be as unconditional as yours was, when he was the one who could lose a little weight and shape up.

 

Post # 51
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Olivepepper:  well said 👏🏼

OP, you absolutely sound depressed. I think a trip to the GP wouldn’t be a bad idea and you should start making small changes for your health. Make a fun music playlist and go for a walk, go for a swim, cook some different healthy versions of food you like. 

Also, may I say you actually sound delightful! Don’t be so hard on yourself. And talk to your FI! He knows you best, tell him how you feel, ask for help and please look after yourself xx

Post # 52
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

you are so much better than this and by better I mean your mind set. 

Come on girl, pick yourself up and get your shit together. You aren’t holding anyone back but yourself. You’ve got this! Dont live just to live but live to be the happy couple you were supposed to be. Do it for the you that wants to feel sexy and amazing again but whatever you do, realise you are beautiful regardless of whatever weight or clothing size but your not going to think you’re good enough if you keep telling yourself you’re not. 

Post # 53
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you came across badly in your post, just honest. I know I’m not in your shoes but I have an inkling that a lot of this is in your head. Mostly the part about him possibly going off you because of your changed look – I can guess that might be your own self-doubt reflecting onto the way you perceive his actions.

Of course you and I both know that real confidence comes from the inside and that changing the way you look isn’t the only step. You need to work on your mind and speak to him about how your feeling so you can realie that he does still love you regardless of how your body has changed. Getting thin again is only a short term solution, I mean something could happen in your future (injury, illness, pregnancy) where your body totally changes again and you need to believe that he loves you enough for who you are that it wouldn’t affect his feelings for you.

However at the same time as this (if it were me) I would start working on yourself again and get some confidence back that way. Like he did you can bounce back and get to the figure you were before. Just try to do it for yourself, not just him and certainly not for those people judging on the street or to scare your flirty friends away from him. Who cares what they think!

ETA: You say you’re personality is nothing special, well I thought you came across great in your post and like a smart, funny girl. So I think you have that wrong!

Post # 54
Member
9136 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sparklehearts:  

 “Now he’s the hottie and I’m the overweight blob, plus he just inherited a few million $$ and now I’m the loser who’s lucky to have a ring on my finger”

Well if that were me I;d  have him buy me a seriously good personal trainer to come to the house . Every day .

 I di see that that must be hard to live up to though.  Hot and rich !

 

Post # 55
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Get thee to a doctor. It sounds like you’re depressed and that kind of weight gain signals something bigger than just couch potato-ing. Please stop worrying about who is more attractice and focus on your health. 

Post # 56
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

If he really is this sweet, quiet guy he wouldn’t judge you. That having been said, 60 lbs in a year is a lot. I totally know how you feel about geting motivated to work out, but you just have to change your mind set. Wake up tomorrow morning and change things, there is no half way at first. Getting outside is a great way to start, remove snack foods. I have lost 100 lbs so I am saying this from experience. Good luck.

Post # 57
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Agree with the depression. honestly gaining a substantial amount of weight in a short period time without a catalyst (e.g. Meds or pregnancy etc) is usually indicative of something else.  I’m sure you are a beautiful person you just need to find that strength.  i know when I go off on the I’m fat or ugly rant my fiancé gets so frustrated and annoyed because he doesn’t understand how I don’t see what he does.  he also said I must not be doing my job right if im not making you feel beautiful.  Have you tried talking to your fiancé about these issues?

Post # 58
Member
1847 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

There are so many things you can do to work on the appearance issues. I’d start small with exercise. You don’t have to go to the gym! I HATED working out and would never do it. And then I got addicted to YouTube exercise videos I could do at home without equipment. Seriously the way they show you similar options on the side of the page really sucks you in. Ballet Beautiful and Fitness Blender are both great ones to start with. 

But I do agree with a PP – exercise is great but the food is way more important in losing weight. Eat clean, whole foods. Minimize dairy and processed grains. Eat more fruits and veggies. Do you cook? Learn some new healthy recipes. Get into trying out new recipes. That’s a great hobby! I wouldn’t say completely monitor calories because it personally makes me crazy, but be aware of what you’re putting in your mouth. My fiance loves those cinnamon rolls in a can and always offers me some when he makes them. Um no! Those things are like 400 calories a piece!  Just being aware helps you make better choices. 

Seeing a therapist is also a great idea. So is volunteering. Just Google “volunteer opportunities in [your city]”. There are so many different areas to volunteer in, you’ll definitely find something you feel passionately about, which will help you to learn your personality more. I volunteered at the humane society for a long time and it was so rewarding. And you don’t need to dress nicely to do it!

However, I’m also surprised only one PP brought up the fact that you’ve been together since high school and maybe this isn’t the ideal relationship for either of you. I know personally my motivation for getting into the relationships I did in high school wasn’t the best. I was also skinny and attractive but I loved the attention from guys who were more sweet and seemed less like they cared about my appearance. The type of guy I was interested in changed drastically throughout my early twenties. Did you date any other guys in college? You are still so young!

So maybe he’s not so much pulling away as he is growing and changing the way we all do. He’s getting new hobbies and learning more about himself, which is what you need to do too. 

It also sounds concerning that when you mentioned being willing to call off the engagement, you said he would want to keep his commitment. Now I’m sure you meant more than that, but do you think at this point you’re both just keeping a commitment? Or do you continually actively choose each day that you want to be with each other because you love each other? If it’s just about keeping the commitment of the engagement, that doesn’t bode well for the future of the marriage because, yes that’s part of it, but not the part that makes you want to stay and work things out. 

I didn’t mean this to be harsh so I apologize if it sounded that way. 

Post # 59
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

((((hugs)))) I’m sorry you feel you had to go anon for this because what you describe in your opening post is very human and relatable- and yes, I agree with the Bees who said this, your witty personality does come through. Your Fiance sounds like a great guy and I’m sure he’ll stand by you and support you in your efforts to get healthy and happy again, just as you did for him. But you’re feeling unworthy right now and it sounds like your self-esteem has taken a real hit. 

You should see your doctor. Anything from depression to low iron to thyroid issues could be contributing to the lower energy that is relegating you to the couch and sapping your energy and enthusiasm. Go to the gym with your guy- people are at the gym to work out, I find it to be a non-judgmental atmosphere where people are focused on their ownselves, not comparing and judging bods. Take a class or join a sport so you can find something you like, you’ll be more likely to stick with something you truly enjoy. 

And it sounds more like your attitude has changed than your FI’s feelings toward you. I can sympathize with this- when you don’t feel happy and confident in your own skin, it affects your outlook on things. You’ve probably stopped wearing lingerie, if you’re going out to dinner somewhere special, you get unhappy getting ready and then feel self-conscious while you’re out, where before you’d feel pretty and sexy and confident. ((((cyberhugs))) You’ll get your groove back sweetie.

Post # 60
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve gained over fifty pounds since I met my Fiance. He loves me just the same. That’s what I would wish for you (and every woman). 

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