Post # 1
A couple of years ago, I was the Maid/Matron of Honor for a college friend. We have always been good friends, but she is a secretive, distant, and cool person–which is totally the opposite of me (I tend to be very open about my thoughts/feelings and friends say I’m very warm). Despite our differences, we are good friends, but our bond is very different from the bond I share with other, closer friends who are warm and open.
She doesn’t have a sister or many girlfriends. She asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and I said yes. It was a little stressful b/c she was so secretive about all of her plans. I was often frustrated, but sucked it up b/c I wanted to support her on her big day. I wouldn’t say our friendship suffered at all. But in the years since her wedding, we see each other only about 4x/year or so despite living about 45 mins away from one another.
So, what I’m trying to ask here is, must I ask her to be a BM? Do you think she expects to be one? I have a sister and a couple of very dear, old friends who I’ve known forever who I plan on asking to stand with me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I am also not sure I want to involve her b/c her cold nature can kind of grate on me and her sarcasm can bring me down. She’s NOT a bad person and I’m sure she’d do her best to be supportive, but I feel very torn.
What’s a bee to do?
Post # 3
It’s your day. Ask whomever you want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. You shouldn’t feel obligated to ask anyone with whom you’re not quite comfortable. Surround yourself with positive people!!!
Post # 4
If you don’t want her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man, don’t ask her. As a person who doesn’t have sisters or many close friends, I think it makes sense she chose you. But it doesn’t make as much sense to you, which is ok especially if you have reservations about how supportive/helpful she would be. I was in a similar situation – Bridesmaid or Best Man for a friend but didn’t want to ask her (I have 2 sisters and a female cousin I’m very close to, plus a male BFF I preferred to honour). I asked my friend to read for our ceremony instead. I think her feelings may have been hurt, but she coped. Maybe you could consider something like this instead.
Post # 5
If you don’t want her, don’t ask. You are not obligated to have her as a bm just because you were in her bridal party.
Her feelings might get hurt–but maybe you can have her be a usher, read a poem, or help out without being in a bridal party. That way she is included but not so close to bring you down.
Post # 6
Well, how many people do you want to stand up? If it’s enough to include her, I would. I did not ask 2 people for the following reasons; they were really busy with their own stuff, like not doing well in college and a hospital stay for one and final semester of a tough college, graduation and finding a job, getting a new car and buying a house for another. They did not need the stress!
Don’t feel pressured to have her though. Just because you are invited or standing in someone’s wedding doesn’t mean they will be invited or standing up in yours. Every wedding is different!
Post # 7
I think I’d be happy to just have the three current definites (sister plus two old friends). An additional issue to consider is that if I ask her, I’m expanding out past childhood friends, and would likely also need to ask 1-2 other college friends. If I keep it just sister and dear old friends, I think most people would see the clear dividing line and not feel bad, but if I include her, the line would blur and I might hurt the feelings of a couple of other college friends. Finally, she has a new baby who will be just over a year old at our wedding, so I don’t know if she has too much on her plate anyway (not that I really plan for my girls to actually do much of anything other than get a dress & show up).
I know I painted her in a negative light above, but she is a good person and a friend. She’s also very chill and calm, which might be good. But I’m afraid her coolness and sarcasm might be a big downer.
Like I said, I’m very torn!
Post # 8
Your bridesmaids should be those who support you and your relationship and are currently part of your life. People should never do anything out of obligation, and this is no exception. If you are currently not close, don’t have her as a bridesmaid.
Post # 9
At this point, if you are that torn and the wedding is a year away, hold off asking your bridal party. See how supportive she is of the engagement, how busy she seems with the baby, and how the friendship develops over time. In a few months you can re-evaluate. I do think keeping it to your sister and old childhood friends makes the most sense (one reason I kept mine to relatives plus a boy, no girlfriends could argue about that!) The way I broke it to my friend was “I just couldn’t ask everyone I wanted since Fiance and I agreed on 4 each and that’s all, so I’d be really honoured if you would read for the ceremony”.
Post # 11
You don’t HAVE to ask anyone.
I will say this though:
I’m an introvert. I don’t have many close friends – usually just one or two really close friends and a lot of acquaintances. Usually my closest friends have other friends who they’re at least as close to, if not closer. It’s okay, and I’ve come to terms with that – I’m drawn to people who are bright and happy and bring me joy, and I’m not the only one. My closest friends DO reciprocate our friendship, but they’re usually extroverts and able to have more close friends than I do.
When my best friends have gotten married, I’ve never been asked to be in anyone’s wedding party. I’ve always been incredibly understanding, but it DOES hurt a little bit deep down.
Will you lose a friend over not choosing her? Probably not, unless she’s really sensitive. But will she be sad not to be included? Yeah, probably a little bit, even if she never expresses it to you.
Post # 12
I think you have a reasonable dividing line. Perhaps you can break it to her by saying how you and Fi wanted to keep it small, so the natural course was to ask just your sister and longest friendships. And that you weren’t asking college friends.
I don’t really know your friend. But if it was me, and I was her Maid/Matron of Honor, I probably would feel inclined to ask her, particularly if I felt like she was a pretty good friend. I’m not saying that that’s necessarily right answer. But if I felt like she’d be a decent Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’d probably do it.