(Closed) I was her MOH, must I ask her to be a BM?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: I was her MOH, do I have to ask her to be a BM?
    Yes--her feelings will be hurt if you don't. : (4 votes)
    17 %
    No--choose whoever you want, regardless of whether or not you were in their wedding : (20 votes)
    83 %
    Other (please explain) : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    It’s your day.  Ask whomever you want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  You shouldn’t feel obligated to ask anyone with whom you’re not quite comfortable.  Surround yourself with positive people!!!

    Post # 4
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you don’t want her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man, don’t ask her. As a person who doesn’t have sisters or many close friends, I think it makes sense she chose you. But it doesn’t make as much sense to you, which is ok especially if you have reservations about how supportive/helpful she would be. I was in a similar situation – Bridesmaid or Best Man for a friend but didn’t want to ask her (I have 2 sisters and a female cousin I’m very close to, plus a male BFF I preferred to honour). I asked my friend to read for our ceremony instead. I think her feelings may have been hurt, but she coped. Maybe you could consider something like this instead.

    Post # 5
    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    If you don’t want her, don’t ask. You are not obligated to have her as a bm just because you were in her bridal party.

    Her feelings might get hurt–but maybe you can have her be a usher, read a poem, or help out without being in a bridal party. That way she is included but not so close to bring you down.

    Post # 6
    Member
    762 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Well, how many people do you want to stand up? If it’s enough to include her, I would. I did not ask 2 people for the following reasons; they were really busy with their own stuff, like not doing well in college and a hospital stay for one and final semester of a tough college, graduation and finding a job, getting a new car and buying a house for another. They did not need the stress!

    Don’t feel pressured to have her though. Just because you are invited or standing in someone’s wedding doesn’t mean they will be invited or standing up in yours. Every wedding is different!

    Post # 8
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Your bridesmaids should be those who support you and your relationship and are currently part of your life. People should never do anything out of obligation, and this is no exception. If you are currently not close, don’t have her as a bridesmaid.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    At this point, if you are that torn and the wedding is a year away, hold off asking your bridal party. See how supportive she is of the engagement, how busy she seems with the baby, and how the friendship develops over time. In a few months you can re-evaluate. I do think keeping it to your sister and old childhood friends makes the most sense (one reason I kept mine to relatives plus a boy, no girlfriends could argue about that!) The way I broke it to my friend was “I just couldn’t ask everyone I wanted since Fiance and I agreed on 4 each and that’s all, so I’d be really honoured if you would read for the ceremony”.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1398 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011
    Post # 11
    Member
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    You don’t HAVE to ask anyone. 

    I will say this though:

    I’m an introvert. I don’t have many close friends – usually just one or two really close friends and a lot of acquaintances. Usually my closest friends have other friends who they’re at least as close to, if not closer. It’s okay, and I’ve come to terms with that – I’m drawn to people who are bright and happy and bring me joy, and I’m not the only one. My closest friends DO reciprocate our friendship, but they’re usually extroverts and able to have more close friends than I do. 

    When my best friends have gotten married, I’ve never been asked to be in anyone’s wedding party. I’ve always been incredibly understanding, but it DOES hurt a little bit deep down. 

    Will you lose a friend over not choosing her? Probably not, unless she’s really sensitive. But will she be sad not to be included? Yeah, probably a little bit, even if she never expresses it to you. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think you have a reasonable dividing line.  Perhaps you can break it to her by saying how you and Fi wanted to keep it small, so the natural course was to ask just your sister and longest friendships.  And that you weren’t asking college friends.

    I don’t really know your friend. But if it was me, and I was her Maid/Matron of Honor, I probably would feel inclined to ask her, particularly if I felt like she was a pretty good friend.  I’m not saying that that’s necessarily right answer.  But if I felt like she’d be a decent Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’d probably do it.

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