(Closed) I was in her wedding party but I’m not asking her to be in mine-need advice!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
375 posts
Helper bee

I have exactly the opposite problem. I wasn’t in a best friend’s wedding and now she expects to be in mine. bleh

I don’t know what you could do. Does she live in the same city? Maybe you could say that you chose BMs based on how close they lived to you now.

Post # 4
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It depends.  How often do you see her or talk to her?

I had a similar problem, in two ways.  My childhood friend expected to be in my wedding, so I asked her. I decided I rather have her as a friend than hurt her feelings.  Another friend of mine has disappeared off the face of the earth since her wedding, and even though she asked me to be a bridesmaid I’m not going to ask her be in my wedding. 

Post # 5
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You have a couple options: 

1.  You could address it in-directly:  Next time you talk to her – tell her about your plans: how you picked your wedding party, your dress, you are looking for such and such… and can’t wait to celebrate with her.

2.  You could address it directly:  Call the awkward conversation for what it is – awkward.  Tell her that you wanted to get things into the open re: wedding party and that you and Fiance made a decision on yours and you wanted to get it into the open that you would not be asking her.

UGH – that sounds AWFUL.  I vote for the indirect approach!!!

Post # 5
1536 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow that’s a difficult one. If one of my bridesmaids was getting married and didn’t invite me to be in her wedding party I would be unbelievably pissed off (pardon my language). I know that sounds harsh, but it would feel like a slap in the face to me.

Why can’t you also have her in the party? have you guys drifted apart? I think if you have good answers to those questions then those are the excuses you should use.

If you were her MO then you must feel special to her. Did she help you a lot with your wedding planning? Maybe you can find her a differnet position to make her feel included. I’d tread very lightly with this one because you could (unfortunately) loose a friendship over it.

Post # 7
81 posts
Worker bee

Does she have any special skills you could take advantage of? Perhaps she could be your baker, photographer, calligrapher, DOC, whatever? Maybe that would take the focus off of bridesmaid duties?

Post # 8
35 posts
  • Wedding: February 2011

I like the idea of having her do something else for you.

I feel for your situation as I know someone who had me in their wedding is expecting me to put them in mine. Only by word of other friends do I know this. But I also feel now that I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding she has just made herself more distant from me…but she was all ready pretty distant. She won’t ask me anything about the wedding and doesn’t even really try to get together or stay in touch.

Good luck on your situation I hope this works out for you.

Post # 9
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

If you can include her in another way that would be ideal…have her do a reading, be a greeter, etc…  I ran into this problem at our wedding having been a bridesmaids in many weddings but knowing we were trying to keep our bridal party small (and I had to also include my sister and his as BMs) so there was no way I could include everyone as a Bridesmaid or Best Man if I had been in their wedding.  I ended up having 2 friends do the readings and another greeting guests and handing out the programs.  Hopefully she will understand but if not than perhaps that says a bit about her character. 


Post # 10
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree with sadie. I was a bridesmaid for a friend and to be honest we really haven’t spoken since her wedding. Maybe a bit after that but not really. With that being said I’m not having her as a bridesmaid… and unfortunately as a guest either. I value her and her husband as a person, but due to our budget’s we had to make sure all of our guest’s were people that we still speak to on a regular basis and those who have been there for us through thick and thin.

Post # 11
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011


I’m in a VERY similiar situation…except my situation is with my cousin. She got married whens she was 18 and I was in her wedding. We are now 27 and 26. We were really close growing up, but have drifted a part. We talk on birthdays, holidays, and every now and then (mostly facebook). She isn’t the person I call when I am stressed, having an issue, or really happy about something. I asked my 3 closest friends and my sister. My 3 friends have been my friends for 13 years and I talk to them nearly every day…they are the ones that I go to when I’m stressed, having an issue, or really happy about something.

I really struggled with asking my cousin. I decided not to because we HAVE drifted apart and I didn’t want to feel like I was doing it out of obligation. I’m still struggling with my decision, but I just came to the realization that I can’t make everyone happy.

This wedding planning has been extremely stressful for me and its mostly due to the guest list and family concerns. Its almost to the point where I just dont want to even do it… I just want to elope (but I know I would regret it).

I dont have many words of wisdom, other than…you can’t make everyone happy. You have to do what is best for you sometimes and what makes you comftorable and happy. As for how to approach it…thats a tough one. I’m going with the indirect approach. Besides, if I were to say something…I would want it to be in person and we rarely see eachother.

Hang in there!

Post # 12
12 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have to say that I never understood the Bridesmaid or Best Man thing… I was a bridesmaid twice (for two of my sisters) and I hated it lol.  That’s why I’m only having a Maid/Matron of Honor.

I really think that if you only speak to her a few times a year, that she should do, as others have said, something else.

Post # 13
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you even want her to be involved in the wedding?  You obviously don’t want her to be a bridesmaid, but would you want her to do a reading or something like that?  If I talked to someone only a few times a year and I always had to be the one to initiate the conversation, I wouldn’t even want to have her do something else, just to appease her. 

If you do want her to do something else, then just tell her that you have your BM’s picked out but you would be honored if she would do such and such task. 

One of my BM’s got married last year and I wasn’t in her wedding.  We hadn’t gotten close until after she had already picked her bridal party and she even told me she felt bad, but I wasn’t mad about it.  She had me do a reading instead.  There are ways to have people included without hurting their feelings, but only do it if YOU really want her included. 

Post # 14
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think the biggest thing is just to include her in on your wedding.  Maybe she could do your readings, be a personal attendent?

The topic ‘I was in her wedding party but I’m not asking her to be in mine-need advice!’ is closed to new replies.

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