Post # 1
Hi all. 2 years ago, I was Maid/Matron of Honor for a friend. Now I’m engaged and she told me she can’t attend my wedding next year as she must go to her husband’s cousin’s wedding. Her other wedding is actually a morning ceremony with lunch which I assume would be over by 3 pm. My ceremony and reception start at 5 pm. My venue is about 35 minute drive from her morning wedding ceremony venue so I assumed she would still make an effort to at least attend my wedding after lunch just as a guest, but obviously not as a bridal party member.
She’s offered no explanation or apology for saying no to attending my wedding, much less never once asked if she can help with anything such as the shower, bachelorette etc. Zero interest in being involved.
I’m also hurt she would choose her husband’s cousin over me for the day. I’ve known her since we were 6 years old and she’s known her husband’s family for less than 5 years. At the very least, I feel she could come to my wedding after the lunch reception as just a regular guest. It’s just a 35-40 min drive and I think there’s enough time in between the lunch ending and my 5 pm ceremony start time.
She asked me to be Maid/Matron of Honor just 5 months before the wedding as they had a 6 month engagement and got married soon after engagement. While I was expecting to be in the bridal party, I was surprised and honoured to be Maid/Matron of Honor. It was a stressful time for me as I was in 2 other weddings that year (including my sister’s )and she was the last one to ask me to be in the party, and she gave me the shortest notice. Yet I planned a shower, bachelorette, attended other events such as BBQ engagement party at her house, spent the day literally being her slave carrying her dress around for photo ops etc. You can also imagine that I had conflicting priorities being in multiple bridal parties and all the weddings were in June and July! I had to juggle events and she would get upset if I didn’t prioritise her tasks over others.
During her wedding she was indeed a horrible bridezilla to the point where 2 of her cousins in the bridal party do not talk to her anymore because of her wedding. I often had to be the mediator between her cousins and her. She is normally a sweet person but being a bride truly brought out the worst in her. But I tried my best and she acknowledged my efforts.
Now I just feel really hurt and used. Almost like I was just a prop to her wedding day for her Instagram photos along with the other bridesmaids.
Do I have the right to ask her why she can’t even attend as a guest? Do I ask her if she’s upset or offended by anything I’ve done?
Post # 2
If she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor I don’t see the big deal about her helping with showers and such. You know well in advance that she’s not able to make it, so plan things without her. I wouldn’t want to go to two weddings in one day. Also sounds like she’s more important to you than you are to her.
Post # 3
missjune2283 : I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m sure I would feel the same way. But from how you’ve described her, I feel like maybe this is a good opportunity to just let this friendship fade. It kind of does sound like she used you as a prop in her wedding photos, and now she doesn’t even seem to care enough about you to make an effort to be there on your wedding day. She sounds pretty selfish, and I feel like you’re probably not going to miss much letting her fade out of your life. But I’m sorry you feel hurt. It definitely sucks to realize something like this about someone you considered a friend.
Post # 4
I am so sorry about this. Maybe she anticipates having to stay later because she got invited to post wedding festivities? Maybe she just didn’t think the timing through? Does she have baby brain by any chance? Maybe she didn’t look up the distance?
I see no harm in asking if she just wants to attend as a guest, and point out the cousin’s wedding will probably be over well before yours starts.
There was a time in my life (up till late 20’s!!) when I truly did not understand how hurtful it was to decline a close friend’s wedding invite. I simply didn’t know any better because I had only tagged along to one wedding, and had never been in any serious relationships of my own. I still regret not going to the weddings of my two good friends.
It’s possible that your friend is simply as obtuse as I was. Only way to find out is ask, but don’t make a big deal out of it.
Post # 5
I don’t know if she has baby brain. She has an 8 month old. She is a very organized person.
She doesn’t have many friends so she might be socially obtuse. In her bridal party she had 4 cousins, her coworker and myself. So maybe she didn’t know how hurtful it is to decline a friend’s wedding invite. But from the way she expected my undivided effort and attention during her wedding, and how upset she would get if I told her I had to potentially delay a task for her to help my sisters wedding (I had to delay designing bridal shower invites for her by 2 days) – I think she would understand how a friend might feel unsupported by a friend.
I haven’t sent out the formal invite yet, I only told her the date as we soon as we booked the venue. At this point I don’t even think I need to send her a formal invite?
I also didn’t mean I expected her to help with the shower but usually if I can’t make it to a friend’s key life event, I will ask if there’s anything I can do to support them or tell them to let me know about other events. I will say I would love to be there for the shower, bachelorette or whatever, let me know the dates. There’s been no such communication from her, just a simple “oh my husband’s cousin is getting married, I’m already busy that day”
Post # 6
I understand the hurt you’re feeling. It sucks when you thought you two are closer than you actually are. Is your friend normally this selfish or was it just during her wedding? What was your friendship like after the wedding? I don’t see you writing about good/positive things she brings to your life at all so just from your posts, she doesn’t sound like a good friend.
Maybe her husband’s cousin’s family have other wedding festivities to attend to that day. Or since she has a baby, she doesn’t want to attend a night event. You could ask her but I don’t think you’ll get the answer/apology that you want.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You told her the date, she said she couldn’t attend. Accept the answer you were given. I know it sucks and it hurts to think you did a lot for her and she won’t even be at your wedding, but you can’t badger someone into being a wedding guest.
She also isn’t obligated to throw you any parties or plan anything to you, although it would be very kind of her to treat you as well as you treated her when she got married. I think you just need to accept the fact that she is not going to behave in the way you anticipated and adjust your expectations. If you’d still like her to attend as a guest, send her an official invitation. She’ll either accept the invitation or decline it, but she has a right to not want to attend to weddings in one day.
Don’t let this bring you down. There are so many other people who will support you in the way that you need. If she’s not one of those people then don’t waste anymore energy trying to make her one of those people.
Post # 8
You’ll get a lot of people here telling you to just suck it up (you’ve already had one, in fact!), but they can go kick rocks. However you slice it, her behavior is hurtful and, given the information you’ve provided, selfish.
Frankly, she doesn’t really sound like a good friend, and it’s possible that she only chose you as her maid of honor because you were the closest of anyone in her bridal party — but clearly being the “closest” doesn’t actually mean you’re very close at all. Right now she certainly isn’t treating you like a priority, so you have a couple of options: 1. Tell her how you feel and everything you’ve told us. Maybe she (SOMEhow) doesn’t realize how hurtful this is. 2. No longer consider her a priority in your life, since you don’t appear to be one in hers.
Post # 9
There’s got to be a way she can attend. I don’t buy it.
Maybe her husband should go to his cousin’s wedding and she can only go to yours. That way she can be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Husband can make both weddings.
Post # 10
I don’t think it is true that she offered no explanation, she did, she has already committed to another wedding. Perhaps her husband is very close to his cousin and splitting up and attending different weddings on the same day isn’t a possibility as they have a young child. Is her husband a groomsman for his cousin? That could certainly add difficulty
If you haven’t told her many details of your wedding is it possible she just assumed there was no way to attend them both? I would never assume I could attend two weddings in one day, it is so unlikely that the thought wouldn’t cross my mind so maybe you should reach out to her and suggest attending in the evening as a guest?
I can definitely understand being upset that your friend will miss your wedding but it doesn’t sound like she is just choosing not to attend for the sake of it. I would have been really upset if someone I had considered a bridesmaid had declined, even if their reasons were really valid. Although I will say I did check with immediate family and bridesmaids that they could attend before I booked a date.
I often see people assuming cousins aren’t close and maybe they aren’t for those bees but I come from a culture that prioritizes family and cousins are generally viewed as close family. We recently had to decline a wedding invite from DH’s close friend who was a groomsman at our wedding, as my cousin’s wedding was on the same day, part of it like this scenario was that we knew about the cousin’s date much further in advance.
How do you feel about the friendship in general? It doesn’t feel like you are overly close, do you see/talk to each other often now? Do you want her to attend because you want her to be a bridesmaid or because you feel like you are owed something back?
Post # 11
If I had an 8 month old and a wedding I would NOT go to another wedding the same day. In the case of two wedding I would simply chose to go to the family wedding because I personally feel it’s inappropriate to miss a family wedding for a friend wedding. I don’t think ur friend is being mean. :
Post # 12
I understand why you are disappointed by the fact she can’t attend, but it sounds like she has given you a clear reason why she can’t attend. Maybe she doesn’t actually WANT to go to a different wedding to her husband, maybe they are closer to the cousin than they are you these days. I once did two weddings in 1 day and it was stressful and tiring and I didn’t 100% enjoy either, to be honest. Hopefully, she will be able to find time to celebrate with you in another way
Post # 13
I totally understand why this stings. Even though she only said that she couldn’t attend your wedding, I think what has been left unsaid is pretty clear. I don’t think she sees you as close of a friend as you see her. She isn’t willing to make an effort to be at your wedding even if she just stopped in for an hour or two.
If I had two weddings on one day and I couldn’t make it to a very good friend of mine’s wedding, I would communicate about it and figure out some plan to be there for my friend no matter what even if it is just for an hour or two. Just the fact that she has simply said she couldn’t make it and left it at that speaks volumes to me. Going to two weddings in one day does sound like a lot of ask of someone, but if you were my very good friend I would figure out a way to show up even just for a short period of time, and if that was impossible I would be figuring out another way to get together with the friend to celebrate.
Post # 14
Your wedding is ten months away. It sounds as if they were already committed to the cousin’s wedding when she learned your date. She has a baby — right now the thought of attending two weddings in one day may just sound exhausting and impossible to her. By the time your invitations should be going out it may sound doable to her, you don’t know. You’re not asking anyone else to RSVP now, are you? How is she handling the transition to motherhood? Do you see her often these days? I think you should take a step back and see how things go over the next year.
We do see a lot of posts from super-capable women (you sound like a great event planner) wondering why they are not getting the same degree of help attention from their friends when it’s their turn–keep in mind that sometimes the friends depend so much upon the super-capable friend because they are just not good at all the planning, etc. Life isn’t tit-for-tat and different people will step up at different points in your life. Anyone can throw you a shower or bachelorette and you can always plan a bridal tea or spa day with your ‘maids. You will have a wonderful wedding whether she can attend or not.
Post # 15
missjune2283 : She used you bee and im sorry that happened to you. Many women do this to each other surrounding weddings. Many women get what they want in terms of their friends being in their wedding party and never return the favor. It should be a rule that barring pregnancy due dates or any real conflicts, if you ask someone to be in your wedding you need to prepare to be in theirs as well if asked. If you don’t want to be in other people’s weddings than don’t ask people to be in yours. It is that simple.
That being said, I think it is totally reasonable for you to tell your friend how hurt you are by this. But here is the issue. She just showed you what she thinks of you and it isn’t much. I think your friendship is at an end because of her actions. So is it really worth it to try to talk to her about it if there isn’t anything to salvage?
If you did want to say something to her I think you could say, “I am feeling pretty hurt by you not attending my upcoming wedding or showing any interest in it. When I stood in yours I really put a lot of effort into it and took a lot of my time to be in it and throw you a shower and bachelorette party. I dont think it is too much to ask for you to at least attend mine. It looks like cousins wedding ends with plenty of time to drive over to attend mine. I would really appreciate you making the effort after how much I was there for you for your wedding and given we have been friends since we were 6 years old. If you really feel you can’t make the effort to attend or even offer support than I think we can leave our friendship here and move on separately with our lives. I will feel used and hurt by you and i dont feel that i could continue a friendship with someone who is that unsupportive and who doesn’t value my friendship. “
If its over you might as well say how you feel. Again sorry this happened to you bee. Unfortunately it seems that the last woman in a friends group/ family to get married often gets the short end of the stick. My cousins all got married before me and I attended all their weddings, but now they all get to claim having children as their excuse not to attend mine. Even when my cousins wife traveled across country to present a paper at a conference with her 4 month old- clearly showing it was possible to travel with kids IF it was something she wanted to do. It sucks but it happens.