Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario
Hmm.. Have you considered the fact that maybe she can’t afford to pay the plate and she is trying to hide it? We had some family friends growing up that would always decline almost all our events (baptisms, weddings, baby showers) to the point where we thought they just didn’t want to be part of our lives. When we confronted them, turns out they were hundreds of thousands in debt, and were too embarrassed to show up without an envelope or what they thought was the right amount.
Just an option..maybe she’s stressed about her finances and is too embarrassed to say?
Post # 17
mrsssb : “My cousins all got married before me and I attended all their weddings, but now they all get to claim having children as their excuse not to attend mine.” — You have some unusual ideas and viewpoints that most people don’t agree with. If everyone is finding excuses to avoid your wedding, I recommend looking at your own attitudes and behaviors.
Post # 18
I haven’t read through all the replies, so apologies if this is repetitive. Bottom line – yes, it’s unfortunate, but you should not take this personally. My husband, regardless of how long I’ve known him, is my family and I will always put family first. I would expect my friends to put their family obligations first as well….that’s just a part of growing up and being an adult.
You are not considering all of the what-ifs that go along with her day — what if there are other plans for after the cousins wedding, what if his family hasn’t gotten to spend time with their baby, what if having a baby and going to a wedding is just exhausting in itself, what if blah blah blah….. Knowing all of those things that could come into play, I’m not sure I blame her for not wanting to commit to a whole other function.
I think you should cut her some slack if you still want this friendship. I never fault people for prioritizing family. (And yes, her husband’s family IS her family now.). I’m sure if things fell differently, she would LOVE to be there.
Post # 19
I don’t understand all these posters saying “it’s probably too tiring to go after the other wedding.” Like she invited her to lunch or something. It’s the wedding of supposedly a very close friend. Sure it would be a pain to go to both, but it’s not impossible. I don’t consider that a valid excuse.
that said, you have nothing but negative things to say about this person, so maybe you should just drop the friendship anyway.
Post # 20
wonderwedding : I think it is more that we don’t know any of the details of the cousin’s wedding. It is a morning ceremony and a lunch reception, but OP has just assumed it ends at 3pm which seems like an odd assumption. Many times people who serve lunch rather than dinner at their wedding still have some sort of reception with all the usual ceremonial extras – cake cutting, first dance etc so the end time could just as likely be later in the evening.
Dragging a baby to two weddings and potentially a 15+ hour day out isn’t that feasible for many people, and childcare could be difficult as the in laws have a wedding the same day and maybe they are all celebrating at a bar after the wedding. This is husband’s cousin, maybe they are really close and he wants to stay and celebrate with family, in which case OP’s friend might have to pack up the baby and drive to wedding number 2 with it. OP states this is 35 mins from the first ceremony but what about the reception location?
I don’t think there is any winning option here, if the friend said “oh I’m so sorry we’re attending my husband’s cousin’s wedding on that date but i’ll pop in for some cake during the reception” I could see it being just as badly received by the OP.
Sure it would be a pain to go to both, but it’s not impossible. I don’t consider that a valid excuse.
That’s fine if that’s your opinion I guess, but for most people that is absolutely a valid reason and not an excuse.
Post # 21
If she has an 8 month old now, I don’t know how old her baby will be by then, but a whole day of events without a chance to take the baby home for a nap etc sounds like a lot to me. It’s actually easier to haul small babies around because they will sleep in the car and in someone’s arms etc etc. Maybe she thinks a full day with a toddler would be really hard.
I don’t know if that’s her reasoning, but I would definitely be reluctant to have my kid out all morning and skip his nap and then probably keep him up past bedtime. I don’t know how in depth you have discussed it – one post gave exact times and the other you said she just said she had another wedding to attend. But maybe the timing would be more difficult to work out than you think. I get being upset, we had close family members who couldn’t attend our wedding for things like vacations, but it’s still her choice. I think you should still send the formal invite though, because you have already verbally invited her. Maybe with everything laid out in front of her she will realize she can make something work for part of your wedding.
Post # 22
In this particular situation, I really don’t see what she’s done wrong. I would never even think to attend two weddings in one day, especially if I had to leave my partner behind and taking my young baby with me alone, so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable or rude for not offering to do that, I don’t know many women who would.
She’s not your maid of honour or bridesmaid and she’s not even attending so why should she offer to help plan any activities? She has a baby, I’m sure helping to organise a wedding she’s not even attending is the last thing on her mind.
I think if this is a pattern in your friendship, whereby you feel like she’s not putting the same effort in, then you should maybe reevaluate your relationship. But I wouldn’t take this particular situation personally at all.
Post # 23
A married couple is a social unit and I can absolutely understand the husband wanting your friend to attend the wedding of a close family member, with all of his immediate and extended family present over that of a friend, no matter how close. That’s just not a fair expectation on your part.
That said if there was a feasible way to attend both, without leaving the cousin’s wedding early, I would personally make that effort. But you don’t know her situation. She may have no child care, or the reception may be later than you think.
I agree that it doesn’t hurt to give her the specifics in case she assumed the two events would conflict and they don’t.
I also think the person who said this may be all about money could be onto something, and not only related to the expense of a gift. The truth is with a new baby people’s priorities change very quickly. She could assume you would ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid, and feels she is in no position to do what she expected, or demanded in this case, of others.
Post # 24
The big thing that stands out for me is your friend already has plans. Whether or not she loves you more, whether you did tons of work, whether or not she can try and run about to two weddings, she already had been booked for the day if your wedding. Someone else invited her to a wedding on that day first, and etiquette says you don’t bail on your first RSVP bc a new party shows up. Can you imagine the crap you’d get from your in-laws if you left partly through a family wedding? I wouldn’t risk it.
If having her there was a such a huge priority to you bee, you should have checked the date with her. You picked a date she can’t attend. She didn’t time the two weddings personally, you did. And I say that as a person who didn’t check our date with anyone- but I was prepared to face the consequences that some people I adored might not be available. Same thing goes for two birthday parties on the same day, etc. it’s not her responsibility to try and rush between two dates like in a rom com, changing her dress in the car.
Also you clearly didn’t ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor before this cousin’s wedding came up, so is she actually your best friend or just a friend you think owes you labor bc you have her so much?
This part I think also should be separated from the second part which is…you’re sad your friend isn’t throwing herself into your wedding when you threw yourself into hers. The reality is… if you get married later on, people might not have that same energy. I think when I was 23-24 we all busted our butts planning our friends weddings, putting together scavenger bachelorettes, etc. but by the time the second half of our crew got married in our 30s, the energy wore out on all sides. If you are expecting people to go all in you probably have to ask them- anyone who already had a wedding or has been a Maid/Matron of Honor before, anyone with kids has probably exhausted some of that wedding energy. You can be sad about this part. But I think you also need to be realistic as to whether your friend is the type to do all those chores. Maybe you can find someone younger who still gets really excited by the idea of weddingsto help?
Post # 25
Same thing happened to me. I was the Maid/Matron of Honor, planned her bachelorette, helped plan the shower, went dress shopping, to two dress fittings, etc.
She couldn’t come to the wedding which I understood because it was a Destination Wedding, but then she did rsvp yes for the shower/bachelorette party (it was combined) and then no showed. Didn’t call or anything. After calling and texting her for two weeks she finally answered and didn’t even have an excuse.
We clearly had grown apart since her wedding, but it was the nail in the coffin for our friendship. I haven’t really talked to her since.
It was upsetting at the time, but I have too many amazing people in my life to waste time with people who don’t care or put in any effort.
Post # 26
To address some questions about her child and my wedding logistics: My wedding is next June, the child will be 1.5 years by then and is more than welcome at my wedding.
My wedding ceremony and reception are in the same location.
We are both South Asian/East Indian – she is attending a very religious wedding in the morning and there will be no alcohol at the lunch/no bar. Being from the same culture as her, I have attended several similar morning weddings and lunches after – you need to leave the banquet hall by 2 PM after lunch as the staff will be setting up for another wedding/event in the evening. I said she would be done at the first wedding by 3 PM to give some flexibility but from my experience the lunches are over and you must vacate the hall by 2 PM.
For those of you who seem to think I am unreasonable to expect some effort from her – she is definitely NOT my Maid/Matron of Honor or she’s not in the bridal party – but if you were someone’s Maid/Matron of Honor, wouldn’t you at least want that friend to be a part of your day, even as a guest at the wedding even if it is just to drop in for an hour or so?
As for the fact that her other wedding date was determined before mine – she got engaged and married within 6 months. She asked me to be Maid/Matron of Honor with under 5 months to go. At this point I was already in a few other weddings, and these people asked me over a year ahead. She set all her event dates after all my other friends and there were clashing dates. For example, even though my other close friend’s bachelorette clashed with this friend’s bridal shower, she expected me to miss the bach for her shower, despite the fact the bach date was set well before her shower date and I was planning the bach. In the end since the bach was local, I skipped a portion of the bach to attend and help with her shower on the shower day. She was unhappy I wasn’t free the Friday night before the Saturday shower and really expected me to skip the whole bach, which I had planned and committed to long before her shower date was set. I made compromises for her and missed part of a dear friend’s bach for her shower so I don’t think it’s unfair for me to expect some compromise and effort from her.
After thinking about it, I think it would be best if I said nothing to this friend. I will not be sending her an invite either as she’s made it clear she doesn’t care for our relationship. I think her lack of effort and response speaks volumes about how little she values our relationship. I would honestly be fine if she even showed up for an hour or at any point in the day. I never once said in my posts that I expected her there the whole day as I know she had another event in the morning.
Thank you all for your perspectives. I think many of you are right, but I just did not want to admit the truth to myself – it hurts knowing you don’t mean as much to a friend as they do to you. Really hurts feeling used as well as an Maid/Matron of Honor by someone who doesn’t even care to show up as a guest for me.
Post # 27
Daisy_Mae : All of her posts are like that. Has a very strange outlook on friends vs family.
Post # 28
I always get a kick out of it when people come here asking for opinions, we give them and they come back to argue with us. OP, go ahead and be angry then, if that’s what you want. But the reality is, you’re seeing this only from your side, and quite frankly unless she was important enough to you that you planned your wedding date around her availability, then she is just another potential guest and she owes you little more than a simple “accept” or “regret”. missjune2283 :
Post # 29
missjune2283 : I don’t think this is anything personal at all. A person with a toddler isn’t able to go to two weddings in one day. She probably will have to rearrange her whole schedule and her kid’s naps just to attend the one family wedding. The grueling schedule you have made in your mind for her is simply not doable for a toddler. The kid will probably need a couple hours to sleep when the first wedding is over, and then some time to focus on his/her needs. And, even though you may be important to HER, now that she is married, she is functioning as a social unit with her husband. The family wedding is more of a priority to them as a social unit than your wedding. Not because she loves the cousin more than you, but because the husband’s relationship with the cousin trumps your friendship with her.
I would wait and see if she shows she is thinking of you on your day before you burn bridges for no reason. Unfortunately, there are sacrifices a person sometimes has to make when you are married with kids. Sometimes someone has to put the needs of their husband or child above their own. This seems like one of those cases.
Post # 30
I…really don’t get this. Are you all kind of young?
Just because you decided to put all sorts of effort towards your friend’s wedding does not obligate her to put the same effort towards yours. You were designated the role of Maid of Honor and carried that out as you saw fit. She has no role in your wedding except as guest, free to come or decline for whatever reasons she decides. You don’t get to decide how ‘reasonable’ her decisions are (in fact I think expecting her to attend 2 weddings, especially with a very young child – and 1.5 years is still very young – is absolutely ridiculous).
For the life of me I can’t understand why this is such a sad thing, or how you are getting all this information about your friendship with her based on the fact that she can’t attend your wedding. People’s lives do not revolve around your wedding. It’s immature to fault her because she isn’t making the choices you made around her wedding. You could have said no, you could have not missed the bachelorette party. Those were your choices.
And honestly, trivializing the fact that it’s her husband’s cousin is pretty gross on your part. I’m close with my cousins. We grew up together. For a long time, one of my cousins was my very best friend. Your friend is married, she has responsibilities and can’t just take off and do whatever she wants. She has her husband and child to consider. I don’t think judging her and her husband over prioritizing family over you is a great testament to you, in fact I think it’s worse than her missing your wedding.
Getting angry over this just reads as incredibly immature to me.