Post # 31
missjune2283 : Have you ever had a 1 1/2 year old? Two back to back weddings is not reasonable for a child that age. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without childcare.
As for her expectations back when she was a bride and how she treated you, that was rude, but you enabled her. You could and should have just said no. Maybe she’s matured a bit since then and now that she’s a parent can better understand what it’s like to have conflicting priorities. Maybe there are health or relationship issues you know nothing about. Or maybe you’re right and she’s selfish.
I’ve already said that if I were in her place, I would have made the effort to attend your reception, solo if necessary, but lots of people have pointed out reasons that might not have been possible. You can give her a chance to work it out, but if you are not even sending her an invitation, it sounds as if you’ve already made up your mind.
I think it would have been more justified to take issue with her back when you were her Maid/Matron of Honor. The two weddings are under very different circumstances. You really can’t compare.
Post # 32
missjune2283 : Could she be hurt she’s not *in* your wedding party even though she gave you top billing in hers?! Maybe that’s why she is blowing you off and hasn’t offered to help….
Post # 33
zzar45 : She has known the girl since she was 6 years old to me that is family status at the point. This is a cousin not a sibling. I would be hurt if my best friend that i have known since I was 6 didn’t attend my wedding unless like because of travel costs or had to work and couldn’t get off. Family is your support system and who is there for and it sounds like OP has been there for her since she was 6 years old and has been there for her throughout the wedding. Sounds to me like she should be important as a Cousin. Only difference is they don’t share DNA. Her husband could go to the cousins wedding and she can go to her wedding. If this was a casual friendship or like a friendship of a few years but lifelong friendships are family to me.
Post # 34
littlebirdbee : But a lifelong best friend over a cousin. Really? How many people are truly that close to their cousins that they see them and interact with them as much as their best friend? If this was a sibling than that’s understandable. Again family is more than just DNA.
Post # 35
cart : Again this is a best friend since she was 6 years old. Surely she should be considered as much family as a cousin. Most people aren’t as close to their cousins as their best friends.
Post # 36
weddingmaven : I don’t think a cousin is that close of a family. This isn’t a sibling
Post # 37
Can you stop applying your bizzare family/friend hierarchy rules to everyone? You say the same thing in literally every post and a majority of people don’t agree with you. “Cousins aren’t siblings” like what does that even mean? By your own rules you get to decide who is closest to you, just because you aren’t close to your cousins doesn’t mean other people aren’t, including the friend’s husband.
Even if the friend is equally close to OP as her husband is to his cousin they received the invitation to the cousins wedding first and presumably RSVP’d.
Post # 38
soexcited123 : Oh dear god. Do you have some sort of radar that goes off every time a post happens where there could possibly be a family vs. friendship angle? It’s exhausting!
OP, it sounds like she was a crappy friend during her wedding and that’s truly upsetting. I get it. My best friend was the same way and it really hurt. However the time to address that was then. I think now you’re taking this too personally and maybe holding onto some anger from the past. I have a 1 1/2 year old and even the thought of trying to attend 2 weddings in one day with him gives me heart palpitations! It would be a logistical nightmare. Not to mention just mentally and emotionally exhausting for me.
Now, maybe things will change for her in the next 10 months. Maybe she will decide she CAN handle it. Maybe right now she doesn’t have that great of a support system and so she’s kind of freaking out. Or maybe you two simply aren’t as close as you once were and she isn’t that great of a friend. If you want to choose this instance as the time to say you’re done, that’s up to you. But just think about it. No need to make a decision this second. You’re hurt and upset right now. That’s understandable. Just take some time and feel your feelings and then come back to it.
Post # 39
Reading the comments has provided me different perspectives and I appreciate it. I totally do understand how a married couple is a social unit and you have obligations to your extended family. even before you get married, your significant other’s family is important and you do need to be there for events you’re invited to..BUT I would not be upset if she had to attend say her own cousin’s wedding or her husband’s sibling’s wedding. But for her husband’s cousin that she has met only a few times, it stings a lot that she has prioritized that wedding. Like I said I would be happy with her even showing face for an hour or so.
We WERE close enough that my parents were invited to her wedding and attended. And now my parents wish to invite her parents to my wedding, and her parents could likely attend my wedding as they are not invited to her husband’s cousin’s wedding.
I understand they received the save the date to the cousin’s wedding first but no invites have gone out yet so they haven’t RSVP’d for either wedding. As I said before, she planned her wedding date for 6 months after she got engaged and I had 5 months notice to be her Maid/Matron of Honor before the wedding date, she clearly asked me to make myself available so I missed part of a bachelorette I was planning for her shower, etc. I was also planning a vacation for myself on her wedding date before she got engaged and cancelled that since she only gave everyone 6 months notice of her wedding date.
Re the age issue and being the last of my friends to get married – we are 33 years old. We were 31 when she got married. My friends are a mix of married with kids (50%), engaged/married with no kids (30%) and still single (20%).
Saying things like “you’re getting married last from your friends or you’re older and people don’t have time if they have kids” is hurtful and makes it seem like the wedding is less important if you get married in your 30’s.
My point is that while I have been flexible for her, she doesn’t seem to have the same consideration for me, and I didn’t expect that. I find the attitudes of a MINORITY of bees who have posted in this thread to be very much like my friend’s mindset where you may have expected the world out of your bridal party, but you don’t reciprocate efforts because you truly never cared about the friendship – it was just about using people as props to further your dream wedding and as Instagram photo props lol.
Post # 40
soexcited123 : So why can a childhood friend be as close a sibling and practically family in your little world but your brain can’t possibly comprehend that a cousin can also be a best friend and as close as a sibling? Because a cousin is just a person like anyone else. So if anyone else is capable of becoming a friend and being just like a sibling…So is a cousin. Cousins are people, too. Damn, do we need to start a movement for them now, too? Sad that you clearly don’t get along with yours so it seems impossible to you, but I know lots of people who are close to their cousins. I’ve known my one cousin since birth and we’ve leaned on each other through some ridiculously hard times. My SO just got back from taking a trip with his cousin. It is not the implausible scenario you seem to think it is. And people are allowed to prioritize their family as they see fit. My SO always shows up for family and is fiercely loyal to them, even if they don’t talk on the phone or have a lot in common. He just genuinely loves and supports them and really likes being around his family and family events. People are allowed to prioritize their lives as they see fit. They are allowed to like and support their family.
Post # 41
You are totally right, I am holding onto some hurt feelings. At the time I was caught up in the excitement of her wedding. it was a stressful 6 months being in 3 weddings and attending 2 others as a guest all in the same 2 month period! I just chalked up her crappy friend behaviour during the wedding as I know they are stressful to plan, especially in 6 months like she planned hers!
Post # 42
soexcited123 : Many people are very close to their families. Even if the husband and OP’s friend aren’t in touch with his cousin as frequently, there can absolutely be a special bond there. And with people all spread out these days, a wedding is one of the very few occasions for immediate and extended family to be in the same place at the same time.
If the husband knows his siblings, parents, grandparents, nieces, nephews and cousins will all be there, it’s no mystery that he’d want his wife with him and that the OP’s soon to be former friend from the sound of it, would also prioritize that.
Post # 43
missjune2283 : Have you ever talked to her about that? What has your relationship been like since? What has it been like since she had her baby?
Post # 44
Daisy_Mae : What an unusually rude conclusion to jump to. No one is avoiding my wedding nor do I have to look at my own behaviors. I get you don’t agree but you don’t need to be unkind about it. I have plenty of cousins and family that I love that are attending my wedding. I also have a cousin and his wife who said they can’t come. I am allowed to be upset at their reasoning while never telling them how I feel about it or letting it affect our relationship. We have a wonderful loving relationship and I am close to them. Im still allowed to feel sad and a bit irritated they excuses themselves from coming to my wedding. I am not a robot.
I am also simply a very logical and realistic person. It isn’t a stretch to believe that what you ask for from friends and family should be something you are willing and able to the best of your ability to return for them. It is called having a relationship that has equal work put in from both sides. That isn’t that crazy a concept.
I am also not the only one who sees that it is super obvious that those that get married first before their other friends or family have kids, get the bulk of people showing up to their weddings and events. The people in families and friend circles who get married after all those people have gotten married and have kids don’t get as much consideration. Its a rational observation. In my situation my fiance has 4 cousins his age who are married. They each have at least 2-3 kids per couple. If we got married 10 years ago they would all have no kids and have no issues coming to our wedding. But now that they have kids, many can’t come. 2 are pregnant and their due date is around our wedding time. Those are facts. When a generation starts having kids and getting married it becomes harder for them to travel and attend events and its more expensive for them to do so. Me pointing that out is just being realistic.
mrsaime : This thread isn’t about me. If you disagree fine. No need to gossip about my thread history on someone else’s post and tell me my opinions are strange.
Post # 45
zzar45 : Every time!
What pops into my head every time I see this theme with this poster: