I was MOH for a friend 2 yrs ago.She can't attend my wedding next yr

posted 6 days ago in Guests
Post # 46
Member
783 posts
Busy bee

Maybe the thought of 2 weddings in one day stresses her out. Maybe the thought of leaving her husband to go to yours does. Maybe she places more importance on family (regardless of how close someone perceives the relationship) than friends. 

You keep mentioning how hard it was for you to be a part of her day- it seems like you’re harboring resentment. 

She may also just be mad at you for something you did that she didn’t like during her wedding period. How much do you see and speak to this friend? It’s interesting that you demand she be there, but would seemingly never ask her to be a part of your bridal party. You place a lot of the importance she be there on the fact that you were her Maid/Matron of Honor now she’s not coming to your wedding period. I’d be offended if my Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t have me as a bridesmaid. 

Post # 47
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

Without a doubt a cousin has priority over a friend. I wrote my wedding list with family first and then certain friends. I know that sadly there are people who don’t have close families but thankfully that is not my case soexcited123 :  

Post # 48
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

missjune2283 :  I’m getting married for the first time at 38. My siblings got some financial help and had bridal showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties. I recently moved across the country from my family and my friends so I am getting nothing. My family is providing no financial assistance. I spent tons of money on everyone else’s weddings and drove from a different state a million times to not only attend weddings, but also wedding-related events for sibings, parent’s remarriages, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends. So believe me, I can understand how much it sucks. There is a lot to be disappointed about. But her situation is not the same as yours was back when she was getting married. She doesn’t have the freedom of choice you had. Her reasons for not attending your wedding are not unreasonable. She doesn’t deserve the anger you have over her actions today. 

When my brother married my sister-in-law, I was chatting with her every single day to help plan and listen to her ideas. I drove for hours to see her almost every weekend. I went to all of the events. I spent lots of money. For an entire year, everything was about her. At the same time, I was planning on moving to the Middle East for work. I was selling all of my things, saying goodbye to my friends, researching, setting up bank accounts and closing my accounts back home. It was a very difficult and sad time. Guess how often she asked me how I was doing? Finally, after her wedding when she was continuing to talk on and on and asked nothing about my life, I finally told her that I was hurt that after spending so much time on her wedding she didn’t seem to care that I was moving away for years and was terrified, sad, and stressed. Her excuse? Her sister goes on vacations so she didn’t think of it. Ha. I didn’t really speak to her for an entire year after that. Of course, that was easier not being in the same country!

Anyway, I came back from that experience having learned something – only give what you are prepared to lose. I gave so much with a subconscious expectation of reciprocation. The entire situation was really my fault – I made the choice to give too much. I learned that not only do people not tend to reciprocate, they also take you for granted. Now I only do things for my own pleasure. I made 100 cupcakes for my sisters baby shower just because I enjoy baking and I love seeing people enjoy things I make. I don’t expect my sister to reciprocate, she probably won’t even be able to attend any baby shower I have now as we don’t live nearby. 

It sounds to me like you give too much and have made too many sacrifies and adjustments all in the name of friendship, which goes unappreciated because ‘that’s just you’. That isn’t anyone’s fault but your own. No one is obligated to the same or even close to the same level of work you put into their events. It may be that they don’t care enough, but it may also be that maybe they don’t enjoy doing that work, or they aren’t good at it, or it stresses them out too much, or they don’t have time. It’s tricky to assign love to things such as this. I don’t think the answer is to punish your friend. I think the answer is to recognize you do too much and just stop. 

Post # 50
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

weddingmaven :  But you csn have a special bond with close friends too especially if they been friends for life. Obvs if you been friends for that long that says something. I don’t know why you think there is more of a bond with cousins that you may barely see than a person you actively choose to see everyday. Because of shared blood? I’m truly trying to understand

Post # 51
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

soexcited123 :  Because some people don’t just see their cousins a handful of times?

Because not every experience you have is the same for everyone?

Because you are weirdly weird about loyalty and family/friendships and communicate that in a way that makes you sound unhinged?

Take your pick. 

Post # 52
Member
6734 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

soexcited123 :  You have no idea what this woman’s husband’s bond with his cousin is though. Frankly, OP doesn’t either. Your OBSESSION over friendship and loyalty is ridiculously unhealthy as has been pointed out time and time again. I don’t understand why you keep going on and on about this. I thought you decided to take a break from the Bee and seek therapy  What happened to that plan? I’m asking that sincerely. 

Post # 53
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

annabananabee :  I get that if they said op was close to their cousin but it wasn’t implied. I like my cousins but we see each other like once every other year while my bff for life I would be there over a cousin that I barely speak with. Never said i don’t like my cousins.

Post # 54
Member
6314 posts
Bee Keeper

soexcited123 :  So you’re not close to your cousins, fine. That doesn’t mean that’s the case for other people. Some families are very close, some cousins are bffs. Don’t assume. It doesn’t help the OP. 

Post # 55
Member
11774 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“Reading the comments has provided me different perspectives and I appreciate it. I totally do understand how a married couple is a social unit and you have obligations to your extended family. even before you get married, your significant other’s family is important and you do need to be there “

I think you are still missing the main point. She’s not necessarily prioritizing the cousin, personally. She’s likely prioritizing her husband, his entire family, and perhaps her own child. And as others have also said they as a couple already made the commitment, with whatever complications and conflicts that may involve. 

Post # 57
Member
897 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

soexcited123 :  My husband’s cousin IS his best friend. He was the best man in our wedding.  You can define family any way you want but that goes both ways .  However much you want to, you don’t get to decide how close someone feels to their family.   And i would most definitely prioritize a family wedding over a friend’s wedding.

Post # 58
Member
8168 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What a great post. We should cut and paste it on a regular basis 

strawberrysakura :  

Post # 59
Member
8168 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 Goodness me my dear girl,  you are obsessed with this kind of  issue. It really can be different for different people you know , and l think you need to accept that. 

soexcited123 :  

Post # 60
Member
4387 posts
Honey bee

soexcited123 :  no, the friend may not be close to her husband’s cousin because it is her husband’s cousin. Or did you miss that part? Though she is close to her husband I would guess. And presumably the wedding is important to her husband. For somebody who is so hung up on loyalty and choosing fiances and husbands Above All Else you seem to be awfully contrary right now. She is choosing her husband and by extension her husband’s family. You of all people with your loyalty hierarchy should be understanding of that.

 And I think above all else what several people seem to be missing is that it’s an invitation, not a subpoena. She’s not required to go to anybody’s effing wedding regardless of her relationship to any of them. If she wants to sit on her couch on that day in her sweatpants eating Haagen-Dazs and playing blocks with her toddler because going to two weddings with a toddler is just too effing draining or for no other reason than just not wanting to, that is her prerogative. An invitation is not a magical summons that must be obeyed.

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