(Closed) I was supposed to pack my things today (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Have you asked him what specifically he is waiting on? A better paying job? A house? Saving up enough money to buy an ering? What? He won’t make a timeline, but you can! Kindly inform him that you will wait x amount of time for x, y, and z to happen. Tell him what you told us about your age and the things you want very badly and soon, etc. Four years is a long time. Selling the jeep seems like it’s a move in the right direction for you, but be careful that this isn’t just a way for him to buy more time then leave you hanging again.

Post # 4
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t know all the backstory, so forgive me if I’ve asked something you’ve answered on a previous post. Is there a specific goal (financial or otherwise) that he is waiting on? You’ve said that if he sold off the Jeep to pay off the loan he’d have more money, so has he stated that money is what is holding up the proposal? Because if that’s the case, why not just get a simple ring and upgrade when finances allow. He sounds like a very sweet guy who is serious about you, but I’m not understanding what the holdup is. Kudos to you two for communicating openly about it. I hesitate to give any advice without knowing what is holding him back from proposing/giving you a timeline.

Post # 5
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m glad you talked, and I’m happy to hear he’s actually out the Jeep up for sale before he saked you if he should.  That said, I’d still tell him that you DON’T want to throw away 4 years, that you still want a visit with your folks, even if it’s not to plan moving out, just to give you both a break from so many emotional conversations, and that him maiking you wait longer and longer makes YOU feel HE’S willing to throw away those 4 years.  You’re telling him you want him – forever.  You’re asking him to do the same, and the ball for continuing the relationship i all in his court.  You’ve made yourself clear about what you want, and when.  He’s not wanting to lose you, but for some reason he’s still not moving forward (unless he’s planning on using the Jeep money for something?)

I don’t doubt that your guy loves you – he’s just got some ice-cold feet for some reason.  You guys need to figure out what that is, and he needs to know how his not proposing and marrying you is messing with your head, making you feel he doubts you, that you’re not good enough and all the fun things waiting makes us feel. 

My guy this week told me he’s worried about me working so hard to lose weight because he’s got it in his head I’ll leave him (no chance).  I shoud have replied if he was really worried about it, he’d put a ring on my finger and give me a new last name.  This weekend, I got one sentance out of him without trying too hard (I’d dreamed we WERE getting married, on Monday, after work at his office  – stupid, but it was a dream – so I’d worn a big poofy dress to work so I wouldn’t be late – I think most people would feel this was a dream with me being concerend about being late soemwhere, and not getting married, but whatever).  I told him about my stupid dream, he laughed, and then told me he wasn’t afrad of marraige, but of the wedding itself.  I told him I didn’t need or even want much of a ceremony as I had no one to invite (no family), and he then quipped about Vegas since he’s not getting along with his family, either (mostly because he hasn’t married me, they’re disappointed in him, but he can’t seem to get that) and I stated that ws perfectly fine with me.  Not much else came from it, but he IS the kind of guy to put off sometihgn forever because he’s afriad of a 15 minute ceremony.  I’ve spent the rest of the weekend kicking myself for not saying more, fo not keeping up with the topic, and for not making how important this is to me clear.  At least you’ve gotten past that – You just need hmto understand that it’ galling to be told he loves you…. but is dragging his feet showing it unequivocably.

Post # 6
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I completely agree with Treasure.  Maybe if he understood that a simple ring and an official engagement was enough for you, that would make him feel better.  Somehow, he needs to understand that you wouldn’t be throwing away 4+ years, you would be trying to find someone who wants the same things you do.

(((hug)))

Post # 7
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer, but correct me if I’m wrong, he said he decided to sell the Jeep only because it was getting too hard to find an apartment that could park 3 cars. He didn’t say “I decided to sell the Jeep because I know you want to get married and I do too and I finally realized that selling the Jeep would help us do that and that was more important to me than having a Jeep.” What I’m seeing here is if he’d been able to easily find an apartment that parked 3 cars, he’d have kept the Jeep. 

It’s obviously completely up to you and I don’t envy you having to make this decision. I just feel like if he really wanted the things he says he wanted, he’d have found a way to make this happen by now. A stand in ring, a starter ring, a proposal with NO ring even, just something to make you feel like things are moving forward and you will eventually be married.

Post # 9
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Hi Gwen, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I can tell you love him very very much and I wish things were different for you two. I feel that you have left feeling bad after you two talked. What he said kind of sounds to me like he’s maybe unintentionally making you feel bad. If I be honest here, I feel angry that after this emotional talk and you being VERY serious, he still didn’t give you timeline. I feel like he’s underestimating your ability to stand up for yourself. I feel like he has no right to tell you How can you throw away 4 years blah blah blah. I would like to see a little more and greater respect from him for you.

Post # 10
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@GwenvonD: I went back and was reading some of your other posts, namely the one you wrote a few days ago about the talk you were going to have and how you were going to take some time to think. I really think you need that time to think and I think spending a night or two at your parents to process things would be helpful.

I get that he wants to have his finances a bit more in order before he proposes and that he wants to give you a ring that he can be proud of. BUT the ring is just a symbol. If you are saying you won’t sign a lease with him and he knows you’re thinking about where this relationship is going, I just can’t understand why he wouldn’t make a compromise on getting you the ring he wants to get you. Wouldn’t getting a cheaper (but still lovely) ring be much preferred over losing you?

Selling the Jeep is a big step, but I caution you not to read too much into it. I have to agree [email protected] that he’s not telling you he’s selling the Jeep because it’s the next step in getting a ring, he’s selling it because it won’t fit at the new apartment (that you won’t agree to sign a lease on until he proposes…which, sidenote, I think it’s wonderful you’re sticking to your guns about). I’m sorry, but part of me wonders if he’s saying/doing this to buy some more time, maybe it’s something he’s doing subconciously.

I understand you don’t want him to think that his selling the Jeep “isn’t enough”, but it really isn’t enough is it?

I just think that with him not being able to give you a timeline, you should proceed with caution.

Post # 11
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@GwenvonD:  If you want to go to your parents for a few days, do it.  While he might be doing soemthing, it’s still not what you guys agreed upon as a prerequisite for signing a new lease, so in a way, he’s NOT quite doing enough.  Mak sure he knows that you apprecitate knowing what he’s working on, that you’d already let you parents know to exepct you, and you aren’t staying with them as a prelude to moving out, but you DO want a few days to visit with them, and that you could both use a little space.  I’m sure you’ve visited them in the pat, before, so just going to visit shouldn’t be a asuper-big deal. 

You need to have a bit of time to sort out in your head what to do if the Jeep sells ands STILL there is no proposal.  You need to agree upon some benchmarks with your SO about exaclty what needs to happen before he will propose, so you can be confident he’s not stringing you along – I don’t mean a timeline in the manner of a proposal by X month, but more of, okay, how long after the Jeep sells should you have to wait?  I can’t remember if you’ve been ring shopping together, or if he already knows what he wants to get.  If he’s open to going together, he miht leant that your taste and choice of a ring runs less expansive than he’d thought he’d be spending (I.E. it won’t take as long to apy for/save for).

I think a weekend with the folks might give you some space to sort this out in your head, without your emotions of being around him getting in the way, if that makes sense.  Just tell him you’re glad you’ve been able to talk so openly, that you’d have had a lot less heartache had he been more open, and that he needs to let you know if and why he’d be letting you down when he makes a timeline-type of promise with enough advance that this doesn’t happen.  Or he needs to get over his own proposal expectations and realize that time doesnt stand still for things to be perfect – you’ve gotta just live life as it comes, and go witht he flow.  Now is the time to do it, to stave off bitterness and saddness on both sides about it.

 

(**As always, sorry for typos – eyes and hands not communicating today**)

Post # 12
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

 I agree with @ohheavenlyday:.  It doesn’t seem like he made the decision to sell the Jeep in an effort to forward your relationship; it seemed like it was just the logistics of getting a new apartment.  If he had said that he was selling it so he could put some money aside for the ring that he wants to get you, then that would be more promising, but he didn’t.  I would do what you were originally planning (taking some time away to think, not signing the lease with him) because he doesn’t seem to be making enough progress towards an engagement, IMO.

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

His actions appear as though he’s going in the right direction, but honestly if I were you I would keep some distance from him right now. Forgive my analogy, but it’s like he’s baiting a trap for you, so you’ll come back and things will go back to the way they were and he also doesn’t have to propose. He did make a big step in the right direction, but right now it’s really important you continue to stand your ground and basically not accept any other outcome than a proposal.

He needs to understand that in order to ‘have’ you, it has to be an engagement. He doesn’t get to call all the shots and he has to acknowlege and respect the fact that there is a ton of pressure on you to get married and none on him. If he breaks things off with you and dates another girl, it’s only a matter of 6 months or so until they reach this same exact crossroads. So if he really loves you, he needs to get his butt in gear and buy you a ring asap.

Post # 14
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee

He has the money for a jeep but not for a ring? 

Post # 15
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I very much respectfully disagree with the others.  It sounds very much like he’s working on the things that are important for him to complete before he asks you to marry him.  Some guys need to get all their ducks in order, before they ask, it’s an “old school-need to prove he can provide for you-type of pride thing”.  You already know this!  It’s definetly money that he’s waiting on. I’ve suggested NO ring at all, but he’s traditional and want’s to ‘do it right’. He wants to feel proud that he can provide for me, and he wants me to be able to show people something when we do get engaged. He’s already said “I wasn’t supposed to tell you. That’s something that a guy wants to surprise his girl with.”  I wouldn’t say anything more, or do anything more.  He doesn’t sound like he’s stringing you along, he just needs what he needs to be in place, before he asks. It would be hard to give you a timeline, depending on what he thinks about the ring he wants to give you-especially in this economy-so give him time to get things paid off, and buy the ring.   “I’m hurt. Angry. and a little insulted. How can you throw away 4 years? You don’t trust me? Don’t ever think for a second that I don’t love you. What can I do, other than the obvious, to prove to you that I want all those things??”  If you leave now-you are going to hurt him further, just know it IS coming-(as soon as he can make it happen) and let him surprise you.  

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