(Closed) I was supposed to pack my things today (long)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, I would stick to your bottom line and not move in with him again until you’re engaged.  I’m not saying break up, but the timeline is up and all this other business seems like fluff.  At the end of the day getting engaged can cost you nothing if he would just swallow his pride.

 

Good luck to you.

Post # 33
Member
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with going for a cheaper ring.. to speed things up a bit

Post # 34
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

A nice pretty (and cheaper) ring should do for now and you need to convey that to him.

Yes.  I think if he’s serious, he needs to take you ring shopping just to make sure he knows your size, and preference.  The price tag and carat size isn’t what makes a ring pretty, it’s the meaning behind it.  Sure, we’d all like a ring that fits our idea of pretty, ad no one wants to feel their ring was an after thought after mony is spent on a TV or a game system, and no one wants a ‘shut up’ ring, no matter how pretty or expensive it is.  I think if J was willing to go and SHOW Gwen he’s serious by ring shopping NOW even before the Jeep sells, so he’d know if te sale would even cover what they decide is reasonable, then it’d be aBIG step in the right direction.  Me?  I’m pouring over Overstock.com and Walmart.com because I know there are things on there in our price range – J needs to know that there are plenty of way to finance and get a ring if that’s soemthing he thinks is a priority. 

Hes not showing you what his priorities are – his priorities, like amny have pointed out, seem to be based on moving to a new apartment.  He seems to be forgetting (and if he’s a bad suprirser, maybe that’s an explanation) about your desrires before moving forward in the process.  The Jeep thing is a bit muddled for us to understand – only you can guage if it was a necessity for the move or a gesture for you or both and whatever it would mean for your relationship.  If his plan was to sell the Jeep in time to get you a ring and coincide with the signing of the lease papers, only to realize in a guy-like fashion he underestimated how long selling a vehicle in today’s economy can take, then I’d want to believe he had a plan and just planned badly.  Guys are not always good long-range planners.  Look at the recent posts by a Bee named Dragonlover and the mess her Fiance caused in his attempts to set up a proposal.  I really want to give your SO the benefit of doubt, but he needs to be willing to set aside any more secret plans and surprises if there are any – that’s what’s hurting you guys right now.  Selling the Jeep could just mean he can’t store it anymore – or it could be a symbol of putting side the wild-carefree single guy and buckling down to become husband material.  Only Gwen can tell that.  It seems the Jeep was pretty important to him, so if he really wanted to keep it he’d have found a way, regardless of condo regulations.  

If he’s hiding things like the sale of a vehicle to get money for a ring and to prepare for the ‘engagement-lease-siging’ he needs to give it up.  All it’s doing is driving you nuts making you wait without anyknowledge of his intentions, which make you doubt the relationship, which make you doubt yourself, which make you nag him, making HIM doubt the relationship, etc.  Tell him a simple proposal at dinner, even at home would fulfill your dreams – waiting for a hot air balloon ride into a new apartment will not.  Anyhting involving more waiting without good cause will not.  It will just drive you away.

I still reccomend going to visit your parents.  Tell J you appreciate the efforsts he’s shared with you, but you need space.  He needs to be kept a bit on his toes.  He DOES need to know that the bare minumum isn’t going to make you feel any better about further waiting.  He needs to realize that you still might decide to leave unless he gives you the reason you’re asking for to stay.  Space will be good for you.  Go see you parents this weekend, and then make plans with some girlfriends thoughout the week if you can.  Tell him you simply want to give him space and time to do what he needs to do so you can see without reservation that he wants you in his life as his wife.

Post # 35
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Gwen, I’ve followed your threads for a bit and I have to call bullshit on him.  He’s being selfish for not giving you a timeline and keeping you dangling when he knows you want marriage and I presume kids. 

I definitely feel for you and if I was 31 and still waiting after 4 years, I would make alternate plans.  He’s trying to guilt you into sticking around by telling you his feelings are hurt because you “don’t trust him” and you’re “throwing away four years”.  Do what is best for you, not him.  If you want kids and marriage, go get it and don’t waste any more time.  You are young and you still have time but if kids are important, then you are right: You need to do something SOONER, rather than later.

He’s asking you to give up everything and offering nothing in return.  I don’t know you but I think you can do better.

Post # 36
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.  IMO, I think that for a guy in his 30’s (I’m just guessing on this since you said you were turning 31), with a job and 2 cars and is still using finances as an excuse to not move forward is bullsh*t.  Like some other Bees said, his reason for selling the Jeep is to accomodate your move, not to obtain money for your ring. 

Post # 37
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is such a tough situation. I’m not sure where to begin, either! As of right now, I have to agree with the others: the Jeep seems to be an object he’s willing to get rid of because it won’t fit in the apartment garages. He didn’t even seem willing to come up with even a mini-timeline.

One Bee said something that really caught my eye: it seems like he trying to make you look unreasonable by making comments such as “Are you really going to throw away 4 years?” or things similar.

I would still go to your parent’s house, and I would still consider leaving. You are an amazing woman that deserves to have her dreams of marriage come true. I don’t think he’ll consider you leaving serious until you go to your parents for a bit. He knows that this is seriously hurting you, but doesn’t seem to be taking any reasonable steps towards it.

Surprising you with selling a Jeep still sounds like he was going to sell it anyway for his own reasons, but wanted to use that as a way to keep you satisfied of “impending progress” for the time being.

*hugs*

Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. But be kind to yourself…and your heart.

Post # 39
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m glad that you guys are getting along as usual and that you’re happy with the sacrifice that he’s making.  Honestly, though.. if I were you, I’d stick to my guns.  I wouldn’t move in with him until we were engaged.  As many previous posters have noted, the ring doesn’t have to be super expensive.  Making a commitment to you should be more important than putting it off over and over because he wants to get the “perfect” ring.. whatever that is.  Him not giving a timeline at all would be a major problem for me.  No one wants to wait forever.. and without any kind of range, you set yourself up for that possibility.

Whatever decision you make, I hope you find peace with it.  I really want things to work out for you.. I’ve kept up with your posts ever since you joined the bee under your first username.  :o)

Post # 40
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

Oh man Gwen. I wish you could look back over all your posts objectively as an outsider can. That’s why you should go to your parents still. Please stick to your guns and stand firm. I’m afraid yourself worth can’t take anymore compromise. I don’t meant that offensively! I’m just stating that it’s going to be damn near impossible to feel strong,valuable and empowered if you don’t be a bit of a hard ass here.

Post # 41
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The thing that really sticks in my craw, Gwen, is that he can’t even give you a rough timeline or even fully explain why you have to wait. Last year, SO and I had family issues to sort out and it was definitely a financial issue – both of these I knew about. He has told me that it WILL happen this year – we basically consider ourselves now pre-engaged as we know that getting married while my mother is still healthy (tumour on her liver) WILL happen but he wants to still do the big romantic ring thing so I get the surprise proposal that he’s always wanted to give..

Is he even willing to give you that much? Does he say to you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? That he wants to be married to you more than anything? That he can’t imagine a future in which you are not his wife and best friend? If he can’t… it’s time to walk.

Post # 42
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

@sweetmamam: I agree. You said what I was thinking, just more directly. 

Gwen, to me there is nothing to be confused about. Not at this point. It just so seems so obvious from my perspective.

 

Side note: Scribbles, what’s a “craw”? Context would make me believe it’s New Zealand code for “butt”.

Post # 44
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

OP’s man has mad game. And she’s falling for it, cause she wants to believe it. She can’t see the forest from the trees. This is sad.

@Miss Lilac: I agree 100%

Post # 45
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

mine sold his WoW account to buy my ring lol

Post # 46
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Miss Lilac: It’s also not a “sacrifice” when it was a selfish thing to do in the first place. Backpedaling on a mistake like that doesn’t suddenly make it some grand altruistic gesture, much less a romantic one IMO.

@Taylor4: ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto.

 

Gwen… I am really starting to worry for you, dear. I’m not even sure what else to say. I really feel that you are wasting your time with him and that you need to get your game face on (*ahem,* see @bklynbridetobe’s post..) and either make sh*t happen or GTFO.

Wishing you the best, as always.

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