(Closed) I Was Sure My Boyfriend Was Going To Propose…But What He Did Was More Shocking

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
10491 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Can I just say everytime I see the title of this board pop up I cringe inwardly about the click bait title.

 

Post # 47
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I did this, once on Valentine’s Day.  I’d really, really hoped the proposal was coming, and even though he went out of his way because I’d allowed myself to expect it, I was disappointed and he could tell.  He even had a gift for me, earrings, dinner reservations and flowers, but it wasn’t what I’d been hoping, and it was at a time when I was earnestly waiting and it hurt a lot to be the unengaged/unmarried woman in the group.  It was a sad, angry night with both of us hurt by my expectations.

Look, guys often feel the proposal is the only real thing they get to control in wedding planning.  They also have a hard time understanding what everyone here already knows – how bad waiting to have your feelings validated.  That’s pretty much it – You want to know he loves you and wants you for more than just right now, and that he is doing it of his own volition and not our of feelings of fear, guilt, or obligation.

All I can tell you is to be honest with him and apologize for how you reacted, which hurt HIS feelings I am sure, but tell him that you don’t want a pity-proposal, either.  If he really wants to be engaged, ask to go ring shopping (get him a ring too if equality is important – have friends doing that).  Then, be happy.  I heard lots of stories about less than movie-type engagements while we were on our honeymoon – one couple got engaged shouting through a door, antoher he forced her to go to a fancy dinner he’d had planned so he could propose as he’d planned for weeks and she was sick and cranky the whole time.

If he said he wants you as his wife – good.  If he says, “of course we’re engaged,” you are.  So congrats 🙂

Post # 48
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Oh Jesus Christ. HE PROPOSED TO YOU. It may not have been the Pinterest perfect one that you were obviously expecting but he obviously realised how important it was and did it. He wants to spend his life with you and your upset over how he asked you.

Turn down the drama notch, please 👎

Post # 49
Member
3562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ll agree with other PPs in regards to your expectations and how that ruined the nice night he planned for you. 

You both need to sit down and calmly discuss a timeline.  My DH and I knew we wanted to marry each other early in our relationship, but we didn’t actually get married until we were together for 7 years.  We had our reasons to wait, we had discussed it, so just because we both knew we wanted to marry each other, it didn’t mean it was going to happen right away.  I feel like you misinterpreted him saying “I know I want to marry you” at 6 months in as “I’m going to propose to you soon”.

On another note, some guys are just need time, and they don’t see the big rush.  I have a male friend that had been dating his girlfriend for over 5 years and I know for a fact that he had a ring for over a year before he finally proposed.  I secretly gave him a hard time for not proposing yet everytime I saw him, and his reply always was “I don’t know why I haven’t done it yet”, “It just didn’t seem like the right time” or “It feels cheesy to do it on a holiday”.

They do worry they won’t do it “right” by your expectations, they get nervous about proposing.  Even after 7 years together and me “expecting” a proposal in the near future, my DH was nervous about the actual proposal…so much so that everything he planned to do and say went right out the window and all he managed to actually say was “You gonna marry me?” 

Bottom line is, you have a man that you love. You have a child with this man.  I’m assuming in all other aspects your relationship is solid.  Most importantly you both already know you want to spend your lives together. Have a discussion and see what his general timeline looks like compared to yours. Get rid of your expectations that it’s gonna happen on this holiday, or that vacation, so you don’t ruin another memory of what would be a nice time with you SO over a ring.  Enjoy life together and eventually he’ll propose and then you’ll get to drive yourselves crazy with wedding planning. 

Post # 50
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Literally on the way to being proposed to I picked a fight with my Fiance that he was never going to propose.  He told me he hadn’t talked to my parents yet (trying to throw me off) and I just lost it on him.  Super emotional mess.  We basically didn’t speak the whole 2 hour ride to my cousins home where we were celebrating easter.  He had a golden egg on him, and while the kids were doing their hunt, he turned to me and said, “oh, and this one is for you”.  There is video evidence of me quietly saying “oh shit…” before I said “yes of course!”.  I was horrified at my behavior on not only that day, but on all the other days previous to that where I just could not leave well enough alone.

 

Point is, apologize.  Have an adult, constructive conversation about your and his expectations for being engaged.  Then let.it.go until it happens.  best of luck!

Post # 51
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

I feel sorry for your BF…

Post # 52
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

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bri1214 :  I feel your pain and sadness. I really do. I’ve been with my SO just shy of a decade! Well, 9 years and 4 months so you know…… 

To me, I think he clearly loves you. It was a grand gesture what he planned. I think that sets the expectations when he does come to propose! Exciting times ahead, hey? I definitely think so! 

He will do it in his own time. But don’t wait tooooooo long! Have you had the talk with him? Setting timelines? If not, I think you should. 

Ask him what’s more important. Marriage or you and your son? I asked my SO this recently. He said marriage. So you can imagine how I feel after being with someone for so long and get that answer! But it’s not about me. It’s about you. So go on, have that talk and then it should clear up what to expect for your future. 

Best of luck, Bee! 

Post # 53
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Just be patient and let him decide when he’s ready. stop trying to force him to propose. My boyfriend proposed after 10 years!!! 

Post # 54
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

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anahi1015 :  How did you deal?! I’ve been waiting nearly a decade too! 

Post # 55
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

You’re all so rude. She thought he’d propose that night …how many of you have had a night like that where you build it up in your head? Many of you from what I read on this site! 2 years is plenty long enough when you know you want to marry the person. Yes she’s got some leeway since it’s only 2 years but she’s ready. And uh having a child with the man would definitely make me want the commitment of marriage even more. What he did was sweet and romantic I think. I think he reacted sweetly to her tears and dissapointment. He could’ve been a dick and got mad. So you’re all saying she guilted him into it? My god can women not have feelings and reactions to wanting to be engaged? The guy can choose how to react on his own. I think he reacted well. Just talk to him and see where you guys stand. 

Post # 56
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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bri1214 :  “So then he decides, while we are on the highway, to pull over, get out of the car, get me out of the car, get down on one knee and ask if I would spend the rest of my life with hiim” 

So please explain to me how this isn’t a proposal? An hour before, had he done it in the fancy restaurant with a ring, you would have said yes- but because it wasn’t the proposal you wanted, you told him to get back in the car and then wouldn’t speak to him?!?! 

From my perspective this is what I’m seeing: A guy who DOES want to marry you but hadn’t realized you were thinking ‘tonight’s the night!!!’ – to the point where you even bought a new dress in anticipation etc. When he realized why you were sad, without you even articulating it, his IMMEDIATE response was to pull over to the side of the road and propose, because he loves you so much that he would do anything to take the pain away from you, even if it wasn’t the proposal either one of you had planned on, even if he didn’t have the ring yet. IMO Bee, this is an AWESOME life partner and a touching proposal. 

I think your reaction hurt him deeply, if this is the man you want to share your life with then you need to talk to him asap and set things right, because you DID get a heartfelt proposal and you rejected it. You haven’t shown the same regard for HIS feelings as he so spontaneously did for yours. 

Post # 57
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

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bri1214 :  Take a few days so that you are not so emotional and then have a heart to heart with him. Then let him know how you feel and that you were expecting a proposal on your 2 year anniversary, since he had said that 6 months in that he wanted to marry you. Just be honest with him and accept his answer when he tells you how he feels! I honest believe that he loves you and he went through a lot to give you a great anniversary! I’ve been with my BF for 8 years and we talked about getting married early on in our relationship. I just knew he would propose within the first year of dating, it never happen. I am still waiting for a proposal, but our family is solid. He’s a great dad to my 2 kids, an amazing provider, & my best friend in the world. I know that we will marry one day, but I had to understand (our fellow bees have been great with helping me) that his timeline may not be mine & vice versa. Communication is the key! He didn’t know how I felt until I told him and now I know that we are on the same page.

Post # 58
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I would say you either want to get married or you don’t.  What I mean is…  If you want to get married and its not happening…  Get out of the relationship and and in one where the man does want to be married.  Or, decide you are happy with the way things are now.  Either way you have to tell your boyfriend clearly so both you and him can decided how to move forward.

Post # 59
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
bri1214 :  wait it out, everything will fall into place. Don’t force a proposal because you’ll feel worse. He sounds like a lovely guy btw! 

Post # 60
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hey Bee, I totally get the waiting game. 

Two months ago my bf of almost three years (bought a house together, I moved across the state and took another bar exam to be with him, totally committed) and I went on our first real international vacation together for two weeks- hiking volcanoes, going to spas and botanical gardens, it was a dream. before i left though,  everyone at work, and almost everyone that I knew, (whether it was joking or not) told me i was going to come back with a ring. Before they all said that I hadnt really considered it. I knew an engagement would happen at some point in the future for us but wasnt in a rush. But all that talk really kinda screwed with my head, so much so that the night we got back from our vacation I picked a fight with him wanting to know why it didnt happen. Really embarrassing for me to write this out in a post for all the world to see…

 

Some posters may think you were being a baby, and I’m guessing it probably wasnt your finest moment. But we are all better than our worst moments, right? And it seems you have your head where it needs to be- wanting to spend your life with him, rather than drooling over a rock (which yes is okay to do from time to time).

Maybe something that could help prevent you feeling like the engagement was anticlimactic is to do something the two of you to celebrate it- like go away for a weekend to an airbnb somewhere, plan a picnic or a concert, or make a point to excange handmade cards or notes containing reasons why you are excited to be with one another. How about exchanging words of affirmation through these notes or otherwise, that you can each have, to look at and remind yourself during your engagement of your upcoming wedding? I agree with another poster on here- i think sometimes the frustration can be if you want some validation, or a gesture of romance. And that’s okay. It doesnt mean that you don’t love your SI on a day to day basis. An engagement is something we’ve built up in our minds since we were so young…and seeing pics on this site of picture perfect engagements is a daily reminder. What’s important is for you two to celebrate your engagement in a way that is unique to you, and makes you feel lucky to have eachother. And you can be proactive in articulating your feelings and creating a moment together that in your mind which can mark the moment where your engagement began, and not feel sad about it.

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