(Closed) I was the bad etiquette bee – do I say something?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t say anything.  If you mention it and make it a big deal it will be worse. She would really feel the pressure and may feel like she has too.

Post # 3
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Normally I would say just leave it alone, but since she’s also planning a wedding and wrapped up in this kind of thing as you are, it might be okay to send her a casual thing, like “Just wanted to say congrats again, and all my own wedding planning has made me realize that it was so rude to make that comment like we thought we were already invited!  Just didn’t want to put any pressure on you because WOW these things are so expensive and I know a comment like that would make me uncomfortable – SO happy for you either way, and please reach out if you ever need anything!”

Something like that, like appealing to the newly-engaged-wedding-planning thing that you might share?  Totally your call though… you know yourself, her, and the situation better than anyone here 🙂

Post # 4
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

I did exactly the same thing once. My sister’s friend was talking about which parts of the wedding they will spend extra money on and which parts they will go budget. He said he doesn’t think that the food is that important because people hate wedding food anyway. Then I chimed in with, “I love wedding food!! I’ll probably finish my sister’s if she doesn’t eat it all!!” which is when it suddenly dawned on me that although we are friends, we’re not as close as he is with my sister and he probably wasn’t planning on inviting me. I was added to her invitation (we live together) but I’ve always wondered if it was because he genuinely wanted me there or if it was because I put my foot in mouth and he felt obligated to.

I wouldn’t say anything to your friends. They have probably forgotten about it by now and you’ll just make it worse by drawing attention to it.

Post # 5
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

katza: I would apologize. If you feel bad enough to weddingbee it, What’s the harm in an apology?

I’m pretty blunt, so I’d say hey, wanted to let you know it was presumptuous of us to assume we were invited. Please don’t feel obligated to invite us because we support you no matter what. Appreciate your class in not calling me out and next time I’ll be more thoughtful. 

But you know your dynamic best, so I’m sure you’ll do the right thing. 

Post # 6
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think @Mooreea12 hit the nail on the head. I would say exactly that!

Post # 7
133 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t say anything. They are over it.  If you apologize, you make it about you again.

Post # 8
719 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you need to say anything.

I think the response tells you a lot.  A clear, confident Oct. 10 says “I want you to know the date is Oct. 10”.  A shy Oct. 10 or an Oct. or the Fall says “Please don’t put this on your calendar.”

Post # 9
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would just let it go. I don’t think this comment will make or break whether they invite you or not. 

Post # 10
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would just let it go too.  No big deal. They have forgotten it by now.

Post # 11
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

katza:  I would say something.  Something like- oh, I wanted you to know that we fully understand about all of the tough decisions in planning and guest list and family and all that – we’re happy for you regardless and didn’t want you to think that we assume that we’ll be invited.

There’s no way that saying something can make it worse and I would not assume that they forgot you mentioned it.  As someone who has been in your friends’ shoes, we definitely remembered every single person who mentioned assuming that they’d get an invite and we stressed and tweaked our guest list and cut other ppl until we were able to invite every person who’d mentioned coming (because we didn’t want them to feel left out, etc) at the cost of some other ppl who we should’ve invited.  Even when this meant needing to extend invitation to a whole friend group & their spouses.  And, yes, most of those ppl who’d assumed they would be invited and happened to mention something to us didn’t end up coming anyway.

Post # 12
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wouldn’t say anything, just let it go.  I think it’s pretty clear that you were just beeing a supportive friend who is happy for her friend.  Yes, you were making an assumption that you’d be invited, but we all do that type of thing from time to time and you’ll  be more careful next time. Hopefully they won’t let that type of thing influence them and will just invite who they want to invite.  You seem like a very caring person, but in this instance perhaps you are being overly conscientious.  If you do call attention to it, it may just muddy the water and cause more confusion.  Maybe by saying “please don’t feel pressure to invite us” they’ll start thinking that now you don’t want to come.    

Post # 13
3611 posts
Sugar bee

katza:  I think what you do should depend on the other couple’s response to your faux pas. If after you made the comment like you assumed you were invited, they acted excited and like they were planning to invite you before you said anything, I think it’s fine to just let it go. If they hemmed and hawed (like for example they said “we haven’t put together our guest list yet”), or made a noncommital response, then I would maybe reach out and say something like Moorea12 suggested.

The problem with saying something though, is that it makes it into a bigger thing than it has to be. If someone assumed they were invited to my wedding when I wasn’t planning to invite them (which has happened even though SO and I aren’t ring-official yet), I would just want it to blow over, then act like it never happened and not invite them.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  FantasticFawn.
Post # 14
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

katza:  I wouldn’t say anything. If she mentions being really sorry that she can’t put you guys on the guest list I’d just be really breezy about it and say something like, “oh I totally understand, we’re just so excited for you guys! I’d love to see your pictures when you get them!” That’s all you’d need to do to make her feel better if you even offended her (which I doubt). 

Post # 15
1084 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t saya thing, I just wouldn’t bring it up again 

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