(Closed) I was told my Dad's birthday is more important than my wedding

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think these people are full it, given their past behavior I sincerely doubt that they will show up. I think it speaks a lot about these people lack of caring to let a 16 year old become the main caretaker for her parents. At a certain point you just have to give up them, I think this is a situation where you have draw a line in the sand. If you need closure address issues with them. Invite people who have supportive of you and your parents, having similar blood and dna doesn’t make these people family to you.

Also don’t be resentful or jealous about your Fi family, embrace it and look at it as opportunity to gain a true family rather then thinking about what you don’t have.

Don’t extend one more ounce of energy towards these people who seem to bring nothing but toxicity and hurt feelings to your life. They are contributing anything meaningful and they aren’t worth it. Sad and unfortunate but that is life. You can’t control them but you limit your interactions and change how you react to their bad behavior.

Post # 4
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry! You sound like a wonderful, caring and selfless person. You are not being selfish in wanting to have your family there for the biggest moment of your life. Especially since you have been taking care of everything for the last decade and your family isn’t there to help. I would be honest with them and call them on their s*** (but this may not be your style). 

If it were me (I’m generally very honest with people even if it hurts their feelings), I would say calmly and unemotionally something like “I feel very hurt that you all are no longer coming to the wedding. This is a special occassion for me and my family and we were excited that you would come to support us. I feel like you are using my dad’s birthday as an excuse to decline coming to the wedding and in fact you won’t come to either event. I feel this way because, even though my parents have been ill for the last 10 years, you have not visited in support of them once even though you have claimed you will many times before. If you do not want to come, and you are happy not coming to visit and show support for your sibling’s daughter in the biggest moment of her life, please do not use an excuse to back out of it. Be honest about your intentions. Additionally, please don’t try to guilt trip me for thinking that this event warrants your support and is more important than my father’s birthday (after all, he’s had 9 previous to this while he’s been in poor health and you didn’t come to those). I do hope to see you at the wedding, and if you can’t make that then I am excited to see you all at my dad’s birthday.” 

 

Don’t let them push you around. There is nothing wrong with being honest with people when they are being manipulative and dishonest…I wish more people wouldn’t just let people slide. anyway, off my high horse. 

 

Post # 5
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree they are full of crap.  However less people to feed, more friends to invite and perhpas your family will send gifts. 

It’s a crappy excuse there is no way around it. 

Post # 6
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@fvsoccer:  +1 I would use what she wrote almost word for word and I would tell your father what they said…not to be vindictive but to tell him so he is not disappointed with them not attending. You said HE is looking forward to having them there so he should know what their response is.

Post # 7
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013
Post # 9
Member
7489 posts
Busy Beekeeper

When they say “don’t tell your dad”, do they mean that they’re just going to let him believe they are coming to your wedding? That’s horrible. I would be honest with them and say “of course I’m going to tell him, why would I go along with that charade?” I’m sure your dad would much rather see them at his daughter’s wedding, and I think he should be able to tell them that. What they do with it is their business but it’s unfair to you and your dad for them to say “we’re doing this for him, but don’t tell him, because that will give him the opportunity to say he doesn’t want us to do it.” 

Post # 10
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It honestly comes across as a really crappy excuse.

 

“We can’t make the wedding in March…but we will be out in April for your dad’s birthday.  But don’t tell him.  We don’t want him trying to talk us out of coming.”

 

that “talk us out of coming” line is really code for “this is the best excuse we could come up with now for ditching your wedding.”

 

If it makes you feel better, I had an aunt/uncle who didn’t make it to my wedding either.  No rsvp, nothing.  I still to this day do not know what was so busy for them that they couldn’t make it (they were both retired at the time of the wedding…so I know they really didn’t have any responsibilities precluding them from attending.  Whatever.  

 

You can’t MAKE people attend and be happy for your wedding.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make every single family member happy for you and your big day, OP, but that just isn’t going to happen.  Don’t let it get you down.  Some people are just the biggest jerks in the world and don’t know common decency means that you GO to family weddings to show support and reconnect with family members you haven’t seen in a while.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TwoCityBride:  + a million. I’m loving you today, girl.

Every time I hear anyone say anything like your uncle did, I roll my eyes, because it’s bullshit. If family REALLY means THAT MUCH to people, they’ll make special occasions, even if it means two trips. A good chunk of my FI’s family lives 3+ hours a way, and they STILL all make it down here for things. 

Post # 12
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

@BetterSherm:  you do not need people like this in your life. cut them out now, and be thrilled at the thought that you won’t have to look at pictures of them when you flick through your wedding album.

i am having 5 family members at our wedding. Fiance is having over 60. when we sent our Save The Dates, his entire family got back to us, thrilled about visiting for the weekend. My great aunt and uncle, and my Dad’s cousin and her husband (my ONLY family excluding my immediate family) didn’t say a thing. And when my dad went to visit, they didn’t even bring it up then. Eventually my dad asked if they’d heard about the wedding and they said “oh yes – but we’re not going, it’s too far away).

i am RELIEVED that they won’t be there. why should I have to spend money and entertain people that a) I don’t like and b) don’t give a s*!t about me enough to come to my wedding. No way.

i will have FI’s family there, my new family, who are happy for us and excited for us. Those are the people you want in your lives, NOT the crappy excuses you have for aunts and uncles.

Let this be the reason you let them go from your life. Only stick with people who make you happy xx

Post # 14
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@BetterSherm:  If they talk such a big game, they probably still won’t end up visiting your dad…..so it’s not really a loss since they’re kinda flaky and don’t really go out of their way to be a part of your lives anyway, you know?

Post # 15
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

They don’t want you to tell your dad because they won’t come for his birthday either, and they darn well know it.

Post # 16
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee

OP, it is a great thing that you can talk on the phone and stay close with them that way, but it still doesn’t justify them lying to you about their intentions and asking you to play their games. Your relationship could be much stronger if you talked to them about how you feel when they always promise things and don’t deliver. 

Good luck!

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