(Closed) I wish I could speak my mind to my FMIL

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Our plan was to pay for the entire thing ourselves.  But my dad decided to pay for my dress and his dad has decided to give us some money to help out so we aren’t paying for this thing entirely.  I’m grateful for it I really am but my Future Mother-In-Law is not dropping one dime and she has caused us the most trouble.  So in a way I kind of get where you are coming from.

If she brings up the guest list, say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and change the subject.  Or “We’ve already addressed this topic.  If you want to continue bringing this up we will be leaving (or hanging up the phone, depending on your situation)” and FOLLOW through.

Post # 4
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That’s a tough one.  My parents and his parents continue to want to add people to the list.  We have politely asked them (but really only out of respect was it phrased as a question) if they minded that those last minute guests stay on the B list, in the event that other people can’t make it.  Its always their friends.  We barely know your friends, why would they want to come anyway?  My Fiance’s mother paid for literally 20% of the wedding, my parents 75% and we’re covering the remainder but she still feels she can call some shots.  Its frustrating but that’s what happens at weddings.  You just have to remember, like you said, you can’t say anything to her directly because it probably won’t turn out well.  Be honest with your guy about how you feel and have him deal with her, its worked out better that way for me so far.

Post # 5
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My Future Mother-In-Law is already starting in with this and our wedding is still pretty far away.  Fiance went to visit her a few months ago and got a list from her.  It’s understandable that I’ve never met 80% of the people on her list because it’s friends of the family (which I would never have a chance to meet) and family that lives in FL/PA/etc.  To give you an idea of how distant their family is, Fiance has a half-brother he’s only met once and a half-sister he’s never met.  Coming from a huge but tight knit family, this concept is alien to me.

Anyway, she just had some bizarre people on this list.  The flower girl’s grandmother?  (We’re not related to her in any way and I’ve never met her)  FBIL’s two best friends? (so that I can pay $400 for them and their dates?  I barely know them) FI’s childhood church group leader? (he hasn’t attended his hometown church in over 10 years)  And so on and so forth.

Fiance had to call Future Mother-In-Law and explain that certain people would have to go on the B-List, etc.  Future Mother-In-Law is very passive aggressive.  She finds a way to bring this up every time I see her.  Like, “ohhh, it will be so nice that FBIL’s friend will be at both weddings.  Oh, wait, you decided not to invite him, right?”  or “I guess flower girl’s grandmother will just have to see pictures of her in the wedding, since she won’t be there.”

I just either ignore her or say, “Oh, Future Mother-In-Law, I’m sorry but we really can’t invite everyone.”  I can tell it is upsetting Fiance though, so I feel your pain.

Post # 7
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

you are hilarious… I loved reading your venting because I think a lot of us go through this. It is only normal to think, “you’re not paying for it, and it’s not your wedding, so what gives you the right?” I’m sure sometimes parents who foot all or a portion of the bill feel the same way about the bride and groom!

just keep on doing what you’re doing and try to resolve it peacefully. But first and foremost, make sure it doesn’t adverely affect your relationship with your fiance. That is the most imporant thing.

Maybe if you went through the numbers of cost per person she’d understand better??

Post # 8
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

*hugs* The only thing I can say is that however you choose to handle it now will affect your relationship with her for many, many years. My paternal grandmother never liked my mom and now my mom is the one taking her to all her doctors appointments (2-3 a week) and is heavily dependent on my mom for things like groceries and whatnot. You can bet she regrets all the nasty things she’s said to my mom over the years and is lucky my mom is gracious enough to forgive (not forget them, though) them.

Post # 9
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ugh. I know *exactly* how you feel. FI’s mom (also not paying for a thing) has been very demanding and is driving us nuts as the day comes closer. She too has tried to add a bunch of people to the guest list that we’ve never met. I’m sorry, I just don’t think your wedding day is when you should be meeting people for the first time! We gave in on one of her friends but we’re having to be firm about not letting her walk all over us.

Fortunately Fiance is very, very good at setting boundaries and has no problem telling her “no.” I’m not as good at handling that kind of thing, but I know I need to learn, and quick.

I’m just trying to keep perspective — at the end of the day, I’ll be married to an absolutely wonderful man, and the day is about *us* and our future together. Good luck and big hugs to you!

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My Future Mother-In-Law is the same way.  It almost makes it worse that she’s so freaking nice because it’s harder to be angry, you know?

While my FIL’s are contributing some, she has very adamant opinions about lots of things, and it’s tough.  I think it’s a tough relationship from the get go, and planning stress just makes it worse.

I agree with the others bees, just deflect it nicely the next she brings it up.  I know how hard it is to hold your tongue…my fiance would be really upset if I said some of the the things I think about his mom!

Hang in there, the wedding planning will end at some point and you won’t have to argue with her about it.

Post # 11
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

What about:  My parents have budgeted for X number of guests.  If you would like for these additional people to be included in the guest count, then it’s only fair that you and Future Father-In-Law should help out with the costs for those guests.  Currently we are paying $100 per person, so with the 15 (or whatever number) people you have added that would come out $1500 plus gratuity.

 

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