(Closed) I wish I didn’t get married..

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like you guys need to go to couples counseling.  You also need to create a life for yourself whether it’s through volunteering or joining some sort of club.  

Did you know that your husband was less social before you got married?  Try to remember the things that brought you together.  It could really just be the adjustment to living so far from your family.

Post # 4
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ka393: I think you need to go to councilling. Coming from someone who HAS moved across the country away from all my family and friends– it is loney. Gut wrenchingly, heart achingly, painfully lonely. I was depressed the first three years I was away. I also managed to be the most miserable, b**ch of a woman because of the depression and lonliness.

I think that private and couples councilling might help you reconcile your marriage and help you deal with how you are feeling. I also think that you need to join some local community groups to meet some friends! Try volunteering, areobics, or a hobby you might have. Getting out of the house, if nothing else, will help a bit.

I hate to say it, but I feel that moving home is a last resort. It would be very difficult to reconcile anything while long distance, and overcoming this obstacle seems to be a very key point to keeping your marriage together.

Post # 5
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow ((hugs))

The way you’re feeling is pretty normal for someone who’s made a major move! I felt like that after Darling Husband and I had gotten married. We didn’t move away or anything, but the years leading up to “us” I had been living with my mom & she has a home for women so I pretty much was surrounded by someone ALL the time….. Move into mine and DH’s place and suddenly I’m home most all day by myself. I got lonely & down & expected more time from him as well.

You’re NORMAL!

What’s NOT normal are the things your husband is saying! That is EMOTIONAL and VERBAL abuse. He CHOSE to marry you! What the heck happened between now & then that he “doesn’t want you”?! GRRRR That in my book is UNACCEPTABLE! Even if it was in a “fight” that is NOT fair fighting.

You BOTH chose to get married and part of being married is working TOGETHER and a TEAM to get through times like this. Maybe you can go on your own to spend time with family (even if it’s “his”.. they’re yours now too)… Maybe be has some female cousins that you could hang with? The only thing I would warn against is regardless of how he acts, don’t confide in them.. not in the sense of “dogging” him… really you shouldn’t “dog” him to anyone BUT it is understandable to need to counsel & get advisment from someone.

I would sit down and talk about THAT (just that part of his words & how you both communicate) STAT…. regardless of how he may feel he needs to treat you the same he would like to be treated and THINK about the words he says. Words can’t be taken back, even with an apology.. what’s said is said and that does damage.

Then you can work on getting more “into yourself” in your new location. Like I said, how you’re feeling is NOT abnormal, so it IS possible to work through and adjust… you just need to set some boundaries with your husband on what IS and ISN’T acceptable in how y’all handle things.

I’m so sorry he’s being like that too you… set that boundary and ENFORCE IT! Which means if he wants to talk like that, you WILL assert yourself “babe… I don’t talk to you like that so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me like that” and if he doesn’t stop then you remove yourself from the conversation/room/house until he wants to treat you in a loving way. We don’t always have to “like” each other but you better believe we should ALWAYS act out of love (love being an action word)

I hope that just a few “tough” talks help…. otherwise maybe look into some couples counseling (DH and I did some before getting married and it REALLY helped our communication) 😉

Post # 6
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

He recently been telling me how much he doesnt care for me anymore , he doesnt like me, he doesnt want me…etc.. 

wow, those are incredibly rude and hateful things to say to you! they should never be said to a husband or wife, but especially not newlyweds! something is definitely wrong here.

I’ve read your previous threads and it sounds like you guys did not get to truly get to know each other before marrying. you did the long distance relationship for your entire courtship

 I agree with PPs – professional counseling for you both. if things don’t start to look up after that, then move home! I’m serious. don’t put up with this crap, it’s not worth it.

please, please don’t take offense to this, I just want to give you my opinion based on reading your older threads– it really sounds like you were not ready to get married. you never lived in the same town before? and you even posted on WB a couple times before the wedding wondering if you were ready and how stressed and down you had been feeling. 

I sincerely hope counseling will help for you two, but don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out.  please, please, don’t try to fix this on your own!  what he’s saying to you is so mean, and you sound like you are going through such a horrible time. 

finally, stay connected with your hometown friends and family! they can give you the support you need during this trying time. 

I hope things start to look up for you soon!

Post # 7
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

wow, I agree with the PP’s. Please do not accept those hurtful words and counseling. I have been before for another topic unrelated, and i think it helped a lot. our house was broken into and i would freak out when i was at home alone. we moved – not out of state but across state, which is out of state for his family and hours away from mine.

I KNOW what you are going through. I have lived here for 2 years now and still dont… have friends like my hometown friends. thankfully my Fiance do have a healthy relationship. without it I wouldnt have been okay with not living close to friends or family. DO it for yourself and get counseling. because if your relationship with your Darling Husband is not healthy, your whole situation will not be. 

It is important to “put yourself out there” and make new friends! get out of your house, esp if you dont have a job yet, and get to know ppl! 

I can say from my own experience that you need to keep your mind busy and not constantly think negative about the move, try and think positive and things may improve. 


GOOD LUCK! and be strong! 

Post # 8
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@vermontia: yes, I agree with your statement. When I was out of work I was bored and just wanted to hang out FI who jusy my Boyfriend or Best Friend then.He was so tired from work and waas very cranky. He was angry at me for not understanding he had a long day and just want to relax. We both had to compromise to meet each other half way. He even told me he was jealous that I got to stay home all day and I told him I was jealous he had a job to go to. I am not making execuses for him but he is probably tired. Once you make your own friends and get your life back on track it will get better.

Post # 9
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

bah… edited to erase everything i said. 

i just saw the sentence where you said he was saying he doesn’t like you and stuff.

he’s a jerk.

Post # 10
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Your situation sounds similar to mine six years ago.  The difference is that my Darling Husband (fiance then) was supportive of me.  He even paid out of pocket for me to see a doctor and get antidepressants because he was actually worried about my well being and I didn’t have insurance.  On weekends he would take me out to go have fun together and get me out of my funk for a while.  He never judged me even though I acted like a miserable bitch sometimes.  

Had he treated me the way your husband is treating you, I would have packed up and moved back home.  I even had a full year from the day I left my old job to go back and take it from my replacement.  But I stayed because I loved him, and once I built a life for myself here (believe me, it was not easy), I was fine.

Post # 11
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Ka393: “I except more from him esepcially on weekends to make me feel better, but nothing.”

Try counseling, or try separating. No matter what happens, good or bad, and as strange as it may sound, don’t look to him or anyone to make you feel better — make yourself feel better, find your own happiness individually from him. As others have said, find clubs, make friends where you are. If none of that works, if he doesn’t want to try counseling, he is still unkind to you, or your explorations lead nowhere, perhaps then it will be time to just admit you have different needs and go your separate ways. But until then it sounds like a) there was a reason you married in the first place and you both might just need reminding and b) you haven’t exhausted all your avenues toward keeping the marriage strong. Best of luck!

Post # 12
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Ka393: I just wanted to say that I understand some of what you’re going through, and much of what you are experiencing is very normal, given the enormous and drastic changes you have made. 

DH and I met online and lived in different states.  We, too, had a long distance relationship while we dated and were engaged, and we were only able to see each other a couple of times each month for very short visits.  Planning a wedding while working full time and having an LDR was extremely stressful for me.  After our wedding and honeymoon, I immediately had to begin commuting weekly between my home in my state and DH’s house several hours away for almost the entire first year of our marriage, until my house sold and I could conclude my job in my former city. I spent three or four days each week living and working in my city and three or four days a week at his house, from which I teleworked two days each week. 

I had to make ENORMOUS, OVERWHELMING changes in my life as a result of my marriage. I became not only a wife but also a stepmother to multiple children. I left a vibrant metropolitan area that I loved and relocated to a very small town in a rural area. I had to resign my position with a great company when I relocated to be with Darling Husband and his kids full time, leaving behind successful career that made use of my two degrees and paid me a very high salary. I also had to leave my amazing friends, a wonderful church family, and pretty much an entire life that was familiar to me.

My new area has very few jobs (and fewer opportunities) that even relate to my education, expertise, and experience. I have not yet found a new position in my field in this new area. With bonuses, I used to make almost twice as much as Darling Husband, so our economic situation is also something different than what my life once was.

Because I relocated to be with Darling Husband, I unfortunately had to make the vast majority of the changes and compromises. He and the kids already had a very full and active life before I arrived. I quickly discovered that my expectations and hopes for being a newlywed did not align — almost at all — with my new reality of trying to establish a life with a busy husband and father. And it was VERY hard. And VERY painful for me. Like you, I initially did a lot of crying, and, like you and your Darling Husband, my Darling Husband and I found ourselves arguing and fighting over all kinds of issues. There were times that I began to worry that I had made a huge mistake. And there were days when I know that Darling Husband and I did not even want to be near each other. We certainly have, at times, expressed our disappointment, disillusionment, frustration, hurt, and anger to each other. Yet, because of our mutual, strong commitment to God and our mutual belief in the permanance of marriage, we both have continued to express — in words and actions — our love for each other and our commitment to the vows we made before God to each other. 

I do not know if you and your Darling Husband share a particular belief system, and, if so, what it may be.  If so, that may be a place to begin to find some common ground on which to build a healthy marriage. And, like PPs, I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling, first as an individual, and, later, if your husband and you are both willing, as a couple. My Darling Husband and I have been going to counseling for more than a year, and it is been extremely helpful to us. We have been learning how to communicate better, how to discern the deeper issues that are really involved when we face conflict, and learning how to resolve conflicts better when we experience them.  Through counseling, you will be able to learn more about yourself, your husband and your marriage.  There also are many other wonderful resources (i.e. conferences, CDs, DVD’s, books, websites, etc.) that may be helpful to you.

Post # 13
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Sorry. That should have been “a successful,” “permanence,” and “has been.” I was rushing to post that very late last night/early this morning and made several typos.

Post # 14
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Seems like you are in fact depressed and taking it out on him. DO NOT THROW IN THE TOWEL! You really have not given much of an effort to fix things in my opinion.  Have you become part of any volunteer work or community programs? These are a great way to meet people. Once you manage to build your own friendships the stress will subside. You need to be very honest with why your upset (not placing all the blame on him) and make changes try and build a foundation in this new area. You got married for a reason. 

Post # 15
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Ka393: it’s like I wrote this… I don’t know how to offer much support other than I know exactly how you feel.

Post # 16
1 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hello all,

Firstly, understand, that I am a guy, and this is coming from a guys persepective.  Please take this with a grain of salt.  I use a bit of “color” to make a point. In the end, my response is about accountability in relationships… something that is completly missing in this thread. Forgive typos and misspellings. 

Couples go through ups and downs and speaking from first hand experience, the first year of marriage for me has been a living hell.  I married a vibrant, gamefully employed, fun loving, devoted woman.  We were both career orientated, had discussed our plans, expectations, spiritual and family beliefs, financial asperations, you name it.  She is a therapist and I am a really well adjusted guy.  We have complete transparency and can and do discuss everything. Well, a year later, she can’t hold a job, was hiding a eating disorder from me, has a litney of excuses why she can’t do this or do that, and has put on 50lbs to boot. In an effort to be a good husband, we decided she can work for my very young start up company doing administration. after that failed abismaly, it turns out that my wife defines lazy and spends more time and effort looking for excuses than addressing the issue. My whole life has changed from hopeful life building to immense health affecting stress and constant stuggle in supporting our life and a woman who wants to sit at home, surf facebook, eat, and sleep. It isn’t depression, we would address it if it were, she openly admits it, and is trying to take measures.  I have sold my toys, surrendered my free time, and am now preparing to sell my vehicle and house… yet help is nowhere.

I want to talk to you ladies about this part of reality called the other side of the fence.  On this side of the fence exist things like honesty, truth, and looking at hard facts in order to flesh out root causes.  You know, when a husband is honest to you and tells you that he isn’t happy, has lost the feelings for you, and wish he hadn’t married.  Now, I know runsyellowlite along with most women will jump and call that VERBAL ABUSE… oh you poor victim, how dare he actually express any feelings to you or have a voice in his own life. He’s a jerk caust the truth hurts? Really? Did it ever dawn on you that just maybe he is being honest and that sometimes the truth hurts?  Or, is it easier to put the liability of those words on him as abusive behavior instead of facing the very real possiblity that you, your behavior, or a particual dynamic that you bring to the marriage, doesn’t make your husband happy and that at this point he actually wishes he hadn’t married you?  In all this post and comments all I have read about is “me” and “I” and how “I feel”.  Did your husband ask to be your everything? in your depression and lonliness how much have you changed in the first moments of your marriage? How much did you include him in that process…or is he supposed to be a mind reader and then punished when found out to not be one?  How much of it is his fault?  To take is a step further, what is more important, a husband who is truthful and expresses what needs to be expressed, or a husband that buries, or worse yet is put into a positon where he feels he needs to bury truths on how he feels and what he sees in the relationship because you immediately go to “hurt feelings’ or “how dare you say that to me”?  Yeah.. that won’t lead to resentment. How healthy do you think your relationship will ever be if your husband can’t say things to you because they hurt.  Are you so perfect in your behaviors, intitiled in your mere existence, or safe in the world that you are immune to getting hurt?  Do you think your behavior doesn’t hurt him? Really?  Does the world REALLY revolve around you? I realize verbal abuse exists and I am very congnitive of it and obviously don’t condone it. However, if you are in the midst of a failing marriage, chances are your husband is experienceing it too. I don’t know.. what do you think?  If  depsarate words from a desparate man are only wieghed by how they affect your feelings, then you are selfish, ignorant, and incapable of reciprocal relationship.

Another example… and I am sure this will light you fires.  If a woman is 5.2 and 180lbs… guess what folks, she is fat. Body mass index is about 39% body fat, blood pressure is up, she getting head aches, she can’t sleep, her self esteem is battered, her cholesterol is up, and in a big way, the rapid weight gain has adversly affected her life. Hmmm… let me see, this is either good for her, or bad for her.  Now, obviously as a man who loves this woman, I need to be sensative on how I acknowledge her questions, and I certainly want to reassure her that i still love her and am still attracted to her.  However, when she asks me if something makes her look fat, I say no, the extra 50lbs does.  When she wonders why she is having a litney of health issues, i gently bring up that maybe it is the extra 50lbs. I can either be truthful even though it brings a painful message, or I can lie, passify, appease, and let my wife live a miserable life of obesity on her way to an early death. And if I pandered to her feelings, this is exactly what would happen. Instead, I chose to fight for my wifes life even if it means hurting her feelings along the way.  Oh, and by the way, because I had the guts to do so, we are starting a 21 day raw foods diet, have commited to one another to support each other in eating healthy, and she has joined the community center down the street to take zumba classes.  Instead of letting her feelings control the weight issue, she operates under the support of a husband who sees the fat, loves her still, but cares enough about her to fight with and for her.

(mini soapbox – nevermind the fact that men are visually driven. I mean after all, beauty is on the inside right?  At least that is the excuse I hear from women who let themselves go. Why try to look good for him?  Afterall, you tried to look your best when you where trying to get him to marry you, but now that the hook is set, why care about his feelings or thoughts now.  Here’s a hint for you… he is still visually driven.)

I closing i will make two points. First, men are not here to be your cheerleaders. any spouce worth thier salt is going to be a mirror for you.  Behaviors you have gotten away with will quickly be revealed when someone else has to deal with them day and day out.  They will love you in the process, but growth and change are a part of life. Anyone who tells you that you can’t change someone is a complete moron.  My wife has changed me for the better in many ways.  I had no idea I was capable of such patience.  She has taught me to love people without resentment even if I dislike any poor behaviors they may have.  Her lazyness is ground breaking. When we first got married and it was quickly revealed, I felt scammed. I was THAT guy who married an awesome woman and no sooner did the honeymoon end that she quits her job, sleeps to 11:00, gains 50lbs, and calls herself a homemaker who doesn’t clean, cook, and hardly does laundry or shop.  I’m doing my part… where is hers?  BUT, through all the gentle and not so gentle conversation, through all me telling her how I unhappy I am, how I am drowing in financial and marrital stress, how I wish I hadn’t gotten married and it isn’t love to marry someone only to completly quit life so you can parasite off him, guess what, she sees the bevaior and is growing out of it.  Did her feelings get hurt, yes. did MY feelings get hurt? A hell of a lot more than hers did!  Did she have a friend call me a jerk and abusive cause I said it.. oh yeah.  DID I HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THE WRITE THING AND FIGHT FOR US ON THE UGLIEST OF BATTLEFIELDS, EVEN IF IT MENT GOING “THERE” YOU BET YOUR A–.  AND… becasue she had the character and strength to see it for what it was, pray about, she saw the truth in it.  In the end she told me she knew she was like that her whole life. Her dad always bailed her out and she has gotten fired from e v e r y  j o b  because of it. She was so thankful to have a husband who would fight for her and shoot straight on the hard things. Now, that the issue is identified, and we aren’t divorcing because some ignorant busy body girl friend convinced her that I was abusive, we now work on it together as a team.  Just like we do many areas of my life and personality.  Lord knows, I have been her place and listened to her tell me about my areas.  It all goes back to being a mirror AND HAVING THE SALT TO SEE WHAT’S TO SEE AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!  And if when the moment you get your feelings hurt run to the abuse thing or fault thing or anything but me thing, guess what, until you can reflect on what is being said and get off your own emotions, you will never be happy in a relationship and God help whoever you are with because they will live a life of misery with you.


The second thing is this: focus on if you are being the best you can be in your marraige. When something is so bad that it needs to be talked about, then talk about it and have the guts to hear what is being said.  Other than that, worry about you and if you are doing the best you can and being the best you can be.


I know this comes off as harsh and I mean it to. Life isn’t about feelings, it is about thought life.  The infatuation stage or honeymoon stage of relationship is short lived folks, from there on life is a choice, an action, an attitude, and logistical. We don’t live in Hallmark movies. We have to maintain romance, work at passion, and walk a walk because we have decided what we want the destination to be.




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