Post # 1
My Fiance and I moved to a smaller town than where we had met, because of my residency placement. He was a trooper, and left his hockey team, his friends, his whole entire family, all for me. I couldn’t possibly love him more for what he did for me, and I appreciate him more than I could ever tell him. We’ve been here for over a year, and he still hasn’t really made any friends. He joined a hockey team in a similar league to where he played back in Toronto, but he hasn’t reached out and made any friendships beyond just seeing the guys at hockey 1x/week during the winter.
Last night a few of the girls and I got together for a girls night, and I couldn’t help but feel INCREDIBLY guilty to leave him for a few hours alone. He says he doesn’t mind, but then joked about how alone he was and how he missed me all night. It just breaks my heart. Also, doesn’t help that my mother seems to think it’s completely unreasonable to go out and do my own thing every once in a while – my father is way more demanding/controlling.
What do I do? Never leave the house? Buy him new friends? Have any of you been in this situation?
Post # 4
I don’t normally feel guilty leaving Fiance – but sometimes I do.
Fiance lost all of his friends in his last breakup before we started dating. He doesn’t have as many friends as I do, but he does have a few- some from work, his best friend since he was like 5, and one of our neighbors.
The most I can do is encourage my Fiance to reach out to his friends – say YES when they ask you to do something, etc. I would love for him to make more friends, but he just hasn’t. We always joke around how he’s Paul Rudd from I Love You, Man.
Do your friends have any SOs you can set him up on man-dates with?
Post # 5
i get that he gave up a lot for you and that was really nice of him, but i think it’s kind of crazy that he had to make you feel guilty over spending a few hours with other people.
ETA: i’m not really sure what you can do about it; it kind of needs to be up to him to reach out/put in the effort to make friends on his own.
Post # 6
It can take a while to make frends as an adult My situation is sort of the opposite. I moved to NY and made a few close friends after I arrived including my SO. We started dating and the few freinds I made moved away over that time. (I still have friends in my hometown who I visit though.) I don’t love that I don’t have any close friends here, actually it really sucks. That said I don’t mind when my SO goes out with his guy friends. Sometimes its nice to have an evening alone just me. Yes, I might prefer to go out with a girlfriend, but, right now, I don’t have any locally.
Don’t feel guilty, he probably wants you to have a good time. I really don’t mind when my SO does his own thing. I’m trying to do my own thing to expand my social circle, but its really hard when you don’t know anyone who can introduce you to new people.
Post # 7
@sunkissed19: Unfortunately, most of my girlfriends are single! I’m trying to get them settled in relationships so we can go out on doublies! lol
@li612: I agree with you – it was a little bit of a jerk move, and I called him out on it. He passed it off as “just joking”, but we all know the truth…
@lawyerchick13: Thanks for sharing your side – you’re probably right. I’m going to try to make a better effort to just introduce him to EVERYONE I know. Hopefully he will hit it off with some of them.
Thanks for the input, ladies. And thanks for reading my vent! <3
Post # 8
@PuckBunny: I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say that I totally sympathize. BF is a bit of a loner-he’s got some anxiety issues and PTSD makes it difficult for him to be in more crowded situations.
We were doing the LDR thing for the past year, and he just recently moved out to my area. I’m hoping to encourage him to go to some low key events that line up with his interestes (music, comics etc.) Hopefully he’ll meet some people that way, but it’ll be no pressure.
Post # 9
@luna_c: I like the way you think. Maybe I should stop trying to get him to be friends with MY friends, but instead take him to places where he could meet more like-minded people… Surprisingly, I hadn’t really thought of that at all.
Anyone know of any zombie-movie-loving-hockey-player-medical-nerd conventions?? LOL
Post # 10
@PuckBunny: Keep going out with your friends. It’s important to do some things separately even if you do spend the majority of the time together.
He’s a big boy. If he feels the need to make friends, he will. Maybe he just isn’t that bothered?
Could you hang out with your new friends as couples sometimes?
Maybe encourage him to join other teams.. or hang out with people from work.. or something?
You can’t really force these things and it is hard for adults to make friends, but I think it’ll happen when it happens.
Post # 11
@PuckBunny: Haha, wish I could help with that, and actually, it’s a shame you’re all the way up in Canada, because I would probably set up our two guys for a “playdate”! LOL.
Definitely focus on his OWN friends, rather than forcing your friends on him. But that doesn’t mean don’t include him sometimes. And you can always try doing couples activities/events that couples are likely to show up to, i.e. cooking classes, wine tastings, if any of that stuff is up your alley.
Post # 12
I sometimes feel guilty about doing things with my friends (even though we live an hour away from them, and I only see them 3-5 times a year) for this very reason. My SO has no friends. I don’t mean, “Oh, he doesn’t have people he hangs out with.” I mean, before we met, he did not have ANYONE in his life other than family and coworkers (and he keeps very strict boundaries as to what kinds of interaction he will engage in with both of those groups, and how often – he only sees his coworkers at work, he only sees his family when he has to for family events, etc). I am his ONLY form of social interaction.
I am not an extrovert; I have a very small group of close friends (3) and am very happy that way. I have no desire to expand my group of friends. But I feel bad about the fact that he occasionally has referred to me as “his only friend.” At the same time, though, he has expressed (very strongly) that he does not want to make friends, and that he likes being solitary and does not desire interaction with other people.