Post # 1
So my mom is not in a great financial situation. I am fully aware of the fact that she simply CANNOT help with the wedding. I don’t expect her to. My ‘problem’ is that she hasn’t offered, or said ‘you know I wish I could help you’. The ONLY reason I wish she would say these things is because she always does. Any time since I moved out 12 years ago and there’s been a money related issue she’s either helped (when she was financially stable) or more recently said ‘you know I wish I could help you’. The fact that she has said nothing about wishing she could help pay for the wedding upsets me.
Had to get that out.
***EDIT – to be clear, I DO NOT expect anyone to PAY for my wedding, I’m just saying that it upsets me that she wishes she could pay for everything except for my wedding.
Post # 3
@MsGinkgo: Is she happy about the marriage? Does she like your partner? Maybe she feels it is your responsibility pay, or maybe she feels it should be a given that she’d like to help her kid. I didn’t expect anyone to help us or even acknowledge the money element. We chose to get married, so we can pay for it!
Post # 4
Maybe it upsets her that she can’t help you, and having to keep telling you “you know I wish I could help you” makes it hard for her.
My parents haven’t helped me very much financially over the years. They paid for my older sisters education, bought her her first car, and in general have given her much more than they’ve given me. All of this because their financial situation changed when it was time to do these things for me. Do I care? Not really. I know that they love me as much as they do her, but they simply could no longer afford to give me the lifestyle they gave my sister. I know it’s a much harder pill for them to swallow than it was for me.
Post # 5
@MrsPanda99: My family adores FH. I don’t expect anyone to pay for my wedding, my dad is giving us a little money to help but we’re covering pretty much everything ourselves. My mom didn’t pay for her wedding, she didn’t get to plan her wedding. It’s just that she always says she wishes she could help me with everything financial – the fact that she hasn’t with my wedding stings a little. (every time i go home she says she wishes she could help with my ticket, when I was having trouble paying for school she wanted to help but couldn’t….)
Post # 6
I think it’s a little rude of you to be venting about this. Talking finances to you is probably not her favorite thing to do, and if she offered to pay, she may feel obligated to follow through. Even saying, “I wish I could help” will bring up the fact that she just can’t. You need to just make peace with the fact that she can’t help you out with this, and move on.
Post # 7
@MsGinkgo: If its typical of her to say things like “I wish I could help” then I guess it is a bit odd that she hasn’t said it in this case. But I’m sure there is a reason for it, maybe its just because she feels really bad about it this time, maybe she even feels like a failure to you. I have no idea. But I think if I couldn’t help my child pay for their wedding I’d be pretty sad about it, and probably woudn’t want to talk about it.
I think shes avoiding saying anything, just so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Its not because she doesn’t care and its not because she wouldn’t help you out money-wise if she could. She probably doesn’t want to project her (possible) sad feelings onto you in this happy/exciting time in your life.
Post # 8
@MsGinkgo: That’s different. Most parents do contribute towards school and it would be great to pay for your daughter to come see you. Maybe she sees this as different because it is your wedding and not something she would pay for even if she could.
Post # 9
@abbie017: I don’t want her to help, I wouldn’t take her money if she did try and give it to me. It just makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the wedding. I’m not angry, I’m sad.
Post # 10
The vent and your posts sounds selfish and it sounds like you are wanting someone to pay for your wedding, or contribute to it.
Post # 11
Maybe she doesn’t think she should pay? If someone else paid for her wedding, and she had no say maybe she is of the opinion that it’s your responsibility to pay for the wedding you want.
Post # 12
@abbie017: +1. I couldn’t agree more.
OP, my FI and I are paying for our entire wedding. We never expected our parents to help or say they wish they could. As adults we feel it’s nobody else’s responsibility to pitch in. Ish, the crap people bi*ch about. Get over it
Post # 13
Maybe she thinks that weddings are a waste of money? If you think about it, weddings are ludicrously expensive… for a party that lasts a few hours.
My mom definitely hasn’t offered to help me pay for my wedding (and we’re doing something inexpensive since it’s not a priority for us), but she put my sister and I through university.
I get why you’d be a little miffed, but she probably has her reasons, and she sounds like a supportive parent overall.
Post # 14
She might be embarrassed, and since she knows that you know, she doesn’t want to further embarrass herself or draw attention to it. I know it’s hard, but try and have some empathy for how she might not want a spotlight on how she can’t provide for you in a way she almost certainly wishes she could.
Post # 15
I know how you feel. I am in the same position. However, my mother has paid for other family member’s weddings. My sis is pregnant again and she is very generous with her but not with me (It’s always been that way–I bought my own car, my sis didn’t; i pay my own bills, my sis doesn’t even though she’s married).
I honestly would just let it go. It will just upset her and you. Just keep in mind that you’re fortunate enough to have a wedding and are able to pay for it yourself (keeps me sane).