I wish ppl would stop asking "When are you getting engaged/married?"

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
351 posts
Helper bee

It took me a minute to remember that you were the poster from the family vacation thread. I hope this doesn’t come off aggressively because that’s not my intent, so I apologize in advance if it does.

I think it has been pretty well established in this thread that you do in fact feel insecure about the comments, and that’s both why you bought the shirt and why your grandfather’s comment bothered you. I live in the south too (though I’m not from here), so I definitely see the pressure to get married and the effect that has on people. But social pressure and norms aside, you do want to get married and you are upset that y’all are not at least engaged yet.

There seems to be a bigger issue here, however. You are, to try and fail to put this delicately, making excuses for him, because you don’t want to face that he’s dragging his feet and is hurting you/disappointing you. I did this a lot with my ex. When we love people, we don’t want to believe that they will and are actively hurting us, day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s easier to rationalize why they haven’t done whatever we were expecting by inventing a narrative that it isn’t really their fault. Because if it IS their fault, we have to face that they’re actively hurting us.

Bee, you have done a noble thing by supporting this man through what must be a truly difficult time in his life for a long time now. But that doesn’t mean that your wants and plans for your life don’t matter or count (another sentiment I have sometimes, though not always, seen in your culture). Be honest with yourself: you want to get married. And then be honest with yourself that your SO doesn’t want what you want, at least not anywhere near as much. But please Bee, stop making excuses for him and ignoring what he’s actually doing.

Post # 64
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

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gagal2016 :  I hope 
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whitecollarbee is able to provide you with the insight you need here…it seems like you’ve been going through this for a very long time and your responses here, no matter how hard you’ve tried to convey humor and even slight aggression, reveal how hurt you truly are by your boyfriend’s inaction. We are all rooting for you, bee! 🙂

Post # 68
165 posts
Blushing bee

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gagal2016 :  so glad you’re getting support ❤️

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