Post # 1
My FIs thesis advisor is an A**! let me back up. long before Fiance and i ever got engaged, we talked about getting married. i was ready and good to go anytime. FI wanted to finish his PhD before moving on to the next stage in his life. partly for financial reasons as well. i agreed, but pointed out that we could get engaged sooner since it takes time to plan and all. he agreed and surprised with a beautiful proposal in sept. 2009 just after he started his internship. since we both wanted a destination wedding, we decided April was the best time. so we decided April 2011. FI finished his internship in July 2010 – 8 months ago. All he then had left of his PhD was to finish writing up his thesis and submit and defend. so he moved with me from east to west coast where i was starting my internship in July. his plan was to finish up thesis and be done by January, then get a job around here ideally. well, he found a job in my city! which means i could even stay on at my internship another year as they usually keep the interns for a second year. thing is, he needs to have his PhD before he can start this job. so they agree to wait for him until Jan/Feb. well so far, FI’s thesis advisor has only looked at his Introduction and has stopped responding to his emails! it is VERY frustrating because he is likely going to lose the job he could have, i dont know what to tell my internship about where i am going to be next year, we were hoping for Fiance to start working because we really need the money for our wedding and to live! and ALL this is up in the air because of stupid FIs advisor who is being an A** and not doing his job as a supervisor!!!
so now i totally regret not waiting to set a wedding date until he actually had his PhD. because at this rate, it could be months more before the whole process is over. Fiance is beyond stressed now and even getting depressed about it. he hasn’t had a job in 8 months and HATES it! we barely have money to pay for the wedding and our usual expenses. it just all around sucks.
the part that is the worst is that i am afraid Fiance will not be able to enjoy our wedding and honeymoon in Jamaica because everything will still be up in the air and he feels so stressed about finances! i am just so mad at how this turned out and feel hopeless. at this point, i would cancel everything, lose deposits, whatever, but all my friends and family have already paid for plane tickets, hotels, etc. so we CANT change it now. we have to go and have the wedding in the middle of this insanity we are going through! 🙁
i guess i just needed to vent and hopefully hear some positive/encouraging words. but even then, it might make me feel better, but it wont make Fiance feel better 🙁 and all i wanted for our wedding was for him to have as much as fun as me. i know that despite everything, i can go to Jamaica and have a blast, but i am afraid Fiance can’t 🙁
Post # 3
I’m so sorry! I don’t really have any advice because I’m not familiar with how PhDs work. Is there a way he could go speak to his advisor in person about this?
Post # 4
I’m so sorry to hear this. Graduate work is always such a pain. Has he phoned his advisor? Maybe that would help. What if he lays it all out for his advisor? The entire “I’m getting married, I’ve moved, I want this done now” speech? I know for me, that was one of the things that finally got me done, a lay it all conversation. Sometimes faculty are clueless that students have, you know, LIFES! If that doesn’t work, can he turn to the rest of his committee? Tell them what’s going on, and ask for their support? If none of that works, maybe a little wedding Zen is needed. Just because things aren’t done doesn’t mean he can’t have a fruity drink by the pool and gaze lovingly at you. 🙂 Good luck! I’m keeping my fingers crossed!
Post # 5
*Hugs* It will all work out 🙂
Have you spoken to the head of the department? I would start there and see if they can help.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry, I that must be so stressful on you two, especially your Fiance 🙁 I would definitely go above the supervisor’s head to see what can done; I don’t know anything about the PhD program but that just sounds absolutely ridiculous.
I know the wedding is putting an additional strain financially on yall but maybe in spite of everything going on, it’ll be an escape and a good thing to keep your date and just getaway, even for a week. At this point, you’re only 2 months away and it’s just so close! It might be what he needs, what both of you need and even though all this is going on, you shouldn’t sacrifice everything. You both deserve your big day and your special moment, your honeymoon 🙂 How much is left to pay for? I wish yall the best of luck, *hugs*
Post # 7
I’m so sorry! : ( Crossing my fingers that your FI’s supervisor steps on it!
Post # 8
OMG ALL I CAN SAY IS I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. My husband and I are in the exact same boat as your Fiance right now. We are both PhD students and are both hoping to be done this summer but it is very hard to get a timeline set in stone with each of our advisors and commitees. And it is very hard to line up both of our timelines so we can both move on with our lives together. Unfortunately it’s looking like one of us is going to have to move before the other and that just sucks.
Anyways, here’s my advice for you. Your Fiance should have some type of thesis advisory commitee to fall back on. Most PhD programs require them, and it is these committees that decide when you can write your thesis and when you can be done. Since your FI’s main advisor has decided to be a douchebag and nonresponsive, he should go to the other members of his committee (or if he doesn’t have other members he should just go to other profs in the dept or the dept chair) and tell them the situation and let them know he needs to have this thesis approved and reviewed but that his advisor has been unresponsive. Also, the advisor hasn’t responded to emails, so can your Fiance set up meetings with the advisor instead or just barge in his office multiple times a week until he finally does something? Bottom line is your Fiance needs to be more assertive. Sometimes email doesn’t cut it with these stupid advisors who think they rule the world.
PM me if you need another grad student to talk to. 🙂
p.s. maybe your fiance can just go and start the new job and work on writing the thesis while he’s there? Is there any real reason he needs to be on campus to write the thesis? Probably not. He can run this idea by the other professors if his own advisor still remains unresponsive.
Post # 9
@amariem25: thanks for the advice, i will tell him about talking to other members of his committee. i am not exactly sure he has the committee set up, but i think so. although part of the problem is that some of his data analyses only his supervisor knows how to do, and he is supposed to send some data to my Fiance weeks ago and he hasn’t.
the thing about the new job is that he cannot start working without his PhD. not because of where he is located. but we are in clinical psychology grad programs. so he found a clinical job, or rather post doc, that is willing to take him on. but for him to work there he needs to get certified as Psycholgist Associate or some title like that. to do that he has to go through the state board of psychology, and THEY require he HAS his PhD to obtain this certification. so that is why he cannot start working yet. FI has been living with me on the west coast, where he found this job. He went back to east, where his school is over the holidays and stayed there for about a month. he did go walk into his supervisor’s office then and thats when his supervisor appeared to feel bad for ignoring him before, looked at part of his thesis, told him he will help to submit within the next two weeks. so we had all this hope that things would work out…..but since that day, he has gotten nothing from his supervisor again 🙁
Fiance has also been looking for other post doc positions and came back out west for an interview and is waiting to see if he gets another. these positions will only start in september though and he won’t find out for another few weeks – well we are waiting on only one place now. he just really feels stuck.
i agree my Fiance needs to be more assertive, but i can see him losing hope and he has just been here everyday working on his thesis and getting more dejected. he just told me know he was going to send a revised draft to his supervisor tonight and see what happens. i already know what is going to happen – nothing! i suggested he contact other committee members and he doesnt think they can help! he is frustrating me now and i feel like if i push him to much, he is just going to get more upset and tune me out (which he was doing right now). arghhh!
Post # 10
Have your Fiance give his advisor a deadline. Many advisors are up to the last minute procrastinators and only work with hard deadlines. If your Fiance just lies and says something like “this absolutely has to be done by this day in order for me to take my test to start my job” or something like that then maybe his advisor will really start working on it soon.
And I’m serious when I say he should talk to his committee asap. The committees are there to help students who get stuck in these awful situations like this where their mentor stops them from progressing. At least that is what they are supposed to be there for!
Post # 11
@amariem25: i agree with you, i just have to talk Fiance when he is not in this dejected, hopeless mood he has been in since yesterday (i think because one of the places he applied emailed to say he didnt get an interview). cause now i told him about the committee thing, he said “they are all friends with my supervisor and won’t do anything”! how can he know that unless he tries?! is what i want to scream at him! i will not scream though, i will remember i am studying psychology and will approach in such a way to get him to DO something and stop being so hopeless!
Post # 12
I’m sorry. I was just having this conversation with my coworker today, about how thesis work is so difficult because you can get so much done by your own timelines but completing it depends on so many other people who are not emotionally invested.
When I was fishing up my thesis my adviser would not respond to me for 10 days to two weeks at a time, not even to acknowledge he got an email. I finally just got other people in the department involved. Granted, it was not ideal, they are all a peer group and it was kind of back handed. When I emailed my adviser questions or chapters to review I would cc my second reader and the department chair. He finally got his butt in gear when he felt accountable to his peers as well.