(Closed) I wish we were eloping… a regret post.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LadyMoriarty I was in your shoes before my wedding. We originally wanted something really small like a semi-elopement. But it ended up turning into something a little bigger (60ish people). And leading up to the day I was sooo upset and stressed feeling like I had made a mistake and fearing I would look back at my wedding with contempt. But I was so wrong! It was so beautiful…even the things I was worried would be lost in translation ended up playing out perfectly. I was scared my husband would make silly faces in most of the pictures (like he does in every pic we take together!) but he didn’t. I was scared that he wouldn’t want to dance with me because he hates dancing…but he danced throughout the entire day! I was scared our guests would be bored, but they were all buzzing about how great of a time they had. I was scared everything would fall apart without a wedding planner, but it came together flawlessly.

I said all that to hopefully help encourage you. Your fears are usually much worse than the reality. It may not be what you originally imagined, but it will probably end up being so much fun, quirks and all.

Post # 18
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If you wanted something small, how did your wedding “spin into” something that you didn’t want? Was it family pressure? I don’t understand that part. My mother and my Mother-In-Law were BOTH trying to take over our wedding. They both wanted huge functions; my husband and I are a low key couple. I felt sick when I thought of having a huge wedding that we had nothing to do with planning. We eloped to get away from our mothers and also to show them that if they trample all over our boundaries, they will be left out in the cold. Calm discussions didn’t work.

I see why you would be disappointed in your friends for not wanting to spend money on a plane ticket, but to judge them on every major purchase they make thereafter is a tad spiteful and overbearing. Only they get to decide what they spend money on and they should not be judged for such personal choices. You never really know what someone’s financial situation is.

Why did you book a venue that was too narrow? I hope you don’t think I am just being difficult. I just don’t understand why a bride would choose a venue she didn’t like.

Ask your niece’s parents to take her out of the reception space if she gets too loud during the ceremony.

I could see why you wouldn’t want to throw away $1,000. Maybe you can have a private vow renewal with just you and your husband down the road?

I LOVE the “Niagara” episode of The Office. It was beautiful to see Jim and Pam finally get married and the elopement was so romantic.

 

Post # 19
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ive been feeling like this for the last couple of weeks. I am down to 50 days until my wedding, also in upstate NY. I just want to end it all; Cancel the venue, the florist, the DJ….just everything. In this past week alone I had my biggest break down to date, my bridesmaids are rallying against me about the bridal shower, my FH’s uncle died and his aunt was diagnoised with brain cancer! I am a wreck. I can’t take it anymore but we have already put down about 3 grand. I keep my head down and keep pushing myself, praying that our wedding day wont suck.

Post # 20
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@LadyMoriarty 

I wanted to elope so badly, I can’t even tell you. I had the perfect picture in my head f eloping, just my Fiance, myself a couple we know, photog and our officiant, at our spot, under our tree! I mentioned it over and over, but he couldn’t go through with it knowing his family would miss out. His grandparents had five kids, of which only one had kids, him and his older sister (who may never marry), and this would probably be the only chance for them to attend a wedding of their grandchild, and I totally understand, but I still really wanted to elope.

Six months to the wedding, we changed our venue after our original venue gave me so much trouble, and that’s when I got the idea of eloping during ourfirst look (or canceling and just eloping that same date)

4 months before, my husband got an amazing job offer, across the country so we moved! We spent three months almost apart before the wedding, and I was stuck on wedding planning duty, which made me miserable! Everything about planning a wedding I was not excited about, and I kept brinusing up my elopement plan.

A week before the wedding I fell and dislocated two toes, and my husband was STILL working across the country! After 7 hours in the ER, the most painful night of my life, my injury and all of the stresses of planning a wedding (I had 13 last minutes cancellations in his family) that I felt wasn’t for me, but for everyone else I had enough. Even though he was flying out that night, i called him and bawled, I just wanted to do the elopement during ourfirst look, and do the ‘ceremony’ for everyone else (it was too late to call it all off) I really felt like it wasn’t ours anymore and this wedding had exhausted me from head to toe (literally)

On top of that, I woke up with rain on my wedding, my really expensive custom dress tore (right before the ceremony) and a guest kicked me in the alreadydislocated toes, but all of the shit aside, it was still amazing, and honestly I wouldn’t change iT, ok mayb. I could have done without the toe kicking. 

The doctor at the ER told me how to care for my foot, and she even gave me the go ahead to wear my heels, which is lucky, cause as you know dresses are hemmed to the height of your shoes!

And, we did our first look at our spot, in the rain, which happened to make an amazing photo of us standing under an umbrella, while my husband is holding the card I gave him, (it’s also our dating anniversary) which is of a cartoon couple standing under anumbrella with a line that read “True love be able to Weather thestorm, while waiting for the sun to shine”. 

I just happened to convince my husband to bring the wedding lengha my mom bought me for my engagement pics, even though i had no intention to wear it, because i spent so much money on my dress that tore, so during the dinner our amazing groomsmen grabbed it from the hotel,  and I changed after the first dance, which made my mom so incredibly happy, I can’t even tell you how much it meant to her to see me in an Indian wedding dress! Our friend the DJ, even sang for us, so I have ‘first dance’ pictures in both of my dresses.

What I’m getting at is that not every woman is made to bE a big wedding bride, I wasn’t (inhad 68 people, and it still felt like a big wedding to me!) and I made it through, and i wouldnt change it now. I wouldn’t do it again lol, but I’m so happy with the memories from that day, despite all of the shit before and during, it was perfect, because it was our day, and my best friend is now my husband.

 

You know what you can handle, and 50 days, is 50 days…at the end of it you’re married to your best friend, it’s just a matter of how you want to do it and what you’ll Look back on and smile to remember.

 

Good luck Hun, I wish you all the best, and I hope thatoy our outcome makes you happy πŸ™‚

Post # 21
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@ishafortin  Eff, sorry about the errors, I’m typing from my iPad and everything is autocorrected, I hope you understand the post!

Post # 25
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@LadyMoriarty  

I’m glad that you understood that I wasn’t trying to be snarky to you. I simply wanted to make sure that I completely understood your situation so that I could respond effectively.

Your “friends” do not sound like true friends at all. They seem very selfish and you are nice to even consider inviting people like that to your wedding. I never actually called you “bitchy” by the way; I understand your remarks in the context that you have given.

My parents were so upset that we eloped. They stopped talking to me for the better part of a year and they refuse to acknowledge our anniversary. While I am glad we set boundaries, I feel bad that I hurt my father. This is part of the reason we are renewing our vows. I can certainly understand how painful guilt trips are…it is manipulation and control at it’s finest. 50 people is a large group to us as well. My husband and I dislike large crowds.

A free venue makes complete sense. Thanks for filling in the blanks.

Post # 26
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@LadyMoriarty  You sound really stressed. You can still elope. It’s allowed.  As for the deposits, just think of it as you’re giving up the deposit to avoid spending even more money.  And, you want to value the final experience. But I think your wedding plan sounds fabulous.  And your local non-friends? Maybe just don’t invite them at all. 

Post # 27
Hostess
10393 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@LadyMoriarty  Since you’ve already put down deposits and paid for some things in full, I think what I would do is go with your original plan, but tweek it just a little. You can get to a vinyard without having to fly to Napa. Find a local winery that has a nice property. Go with your original plan and marry Fiance with your parents present. THEN have the wedding you paid for. Do both. This way you and Fiance will have your wedding and then you can have a celebration with everyone afterwards. I know there will some bees that will think you are “cheating your guests out a true wedding experience.” Whatever. The only thing that matters is you do what is right for your Fiance and yourself. Then when your wedding that you are dreading comes there will be way less pressure bc you will already be married. That’s what I would do.

Post # 28
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@LadyMoriarty  Our decision was mostly because of my dad being ill, but saving money was also a factor. We couldn’t have gotten a wedding for $5,000 here (not including everything and adding a dress and all that jazz to $5,000 was getting overwhelming for us) and I have my elopment for under $2,000. More money in my wallet never hurt.

I do get what you mean about wanting something basic, simple, and intimate with your FI  though – that’s actually what we want because it is true to us as a couple. We went from a local wedding to eloping in Jamaica to eloping locally and honeymooning in Jamaica. The basic premise of cost effective and intimate stayed throughout all of our various plans.

Post # 29
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LadyMoriarty  I’m there with you. My dream? Fi and I and our parents on the beach in Hawaii at sunset. *sigh*. Everyone else’s dream? 300 people at a vineyard in Cali. Guess who won? At first I was mad, regretful, annoyed. Fiance has a HUGE family and they are all very close, and it would be unfair I suppose that they did not get to partake in our big day. Once I was done moping I made the best of it. I made the wedding MINE. I determined all of the decorations, I wrote the ceremony, I picked the vendors, I picked the flowers. Then I felt like I had a little more control over it. If you don’t like the ceremony location, can you change that? What about a church? Or a park nearby where you can rent some chairs and have space to sit? My advice to you is to breath. To seperate yourself from what everyone else wants and find things to make the wedding the best it can be, to make it yours. Let go of the regret, it will just eat you up. Try and enjoy this.

Post # 30
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@LadyMoriarty  I think if you’ve only spent $1k, you should back out now & have the wedding you are really dreaming of. Trust me, in the long run the traditional wedding will be WAY more expensive than your dream elopement, and you’ll probably spend $500-$1000 more than you budgetted for just in the week of the wedding alone (if you have it in NY as a formal wedding) just because stuff pops up.

This isnt a day you want to regret, and 1k isn’t worth regretting such a huge decision.

Post # 31
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

See what you can do. No one should look back on their wedding and hate how they did it. This day is about the two of you…if possible, make it what you both want. We are going through something similar, but on a much smaller scale. We felt pressured/expected into having a wedding party and so went about asking friends to be Bridesmaid or Best Man or Groomsmen. We are 4 mo. from the wedding and just didn’t feel like it was us. So we talked with everyone and told them we decided not to have a wedding party. We want them there as guests who can relax and enjoy the day. They were..shocked and I know my (former) Maid/Matron of Honor will take it the hardest, but this is what’s best for us. No one has spent any money on dresses or suits so they are not out of money. Once we made the decision and let everyone know, we immediately felt relieved. 

 

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