(Closed) "I would have, but" Phrases, Timelines, and Waiting? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

@Loyalfox13:  hi there! welcome.

i am in a very different situation from you, i am much older, relationship is much different. but i noticed no one had replied yet so i wanted to at least chime in and say hi.

like i said, i am in a different age group and situation, but in this frustrating process of waiting, i have read a lot of posts, and a lot of stories from other waiting brides so i feel like i am starting to form a picture.

you haven’t been together all that long, so it is not a crisis, which is a good thing. I say that only because you are starting to feel resentful and while i understand that, a little more time might be in order.

As the time goes by though, be aware… i have noticed a pattern, not even from myself so much but from reading these boards, of men sort of using these things as excuses… i.e. oh i was about to propose but you ruined it… blah blah. sometimes i think those are just excuses they take our worst fears and insecurities and turn them against us. they discover a weakness and manipulate it to their advantage to stall. so, the anguish is building up, but you feel like if you voice it, you make it worse. its a horrible catch 22.

in some cases, this is a typical male female dynamic/misunderstanding. many a guy has dragged their feet, seemingly for no reason at all, and then finally proposed after much angst and heartache and been a saint ever since.

then again, some are predatorial time-wasters with nothing but a bunch of manipulative excuses.

i dont think your guy is the latter. but my point is, you have stumbled upon what i think is a great resource. very personal tales from women just like yourself. i would keep reading these boards whenever you are feeling annoyed, and i think you will learn a lot from other situations, that may help you sort of feel your way.

best of luck to you. i know it doesnt feel like it now but you really do have time on your side. if he stalls a few more years you will still marry young. if he never proposes you are so young.. i know that isnt what you want to hear now… but trust me it is a good place to be. 

please keep us posted! 

xoxo

Post # 4
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

I would love to have given you a super joyous welcome to the hive but under the circumstances I will say that I’m glad you’ve reached out to the bees! I am so sorry you’re going through this.

My best advice is to keep sticking with your “focus on me” plan that you started. My SO and I are coming up on 5 years together and have broken up and gotten back together (more than once,) argued until we were blue in the face, and inadvertently made the other feel responsible for the problems in our relationship. All of those not so pleasant details of our relationship happened around 2/2.5 years (at 23/24 years old) and I can not even begin to tell you how much I value the things we learned about one another.

You guys are leaps and bounds further at two + years than we were by being 90% towards getting engaged! Like you mentioned, you’ll gladly wait for him and I think that maybe he just needs a few more months. Right now it sounds like reality has set in a bit and he’s probably on edge and/or nervous about the upcoming engagement. Most guys I know can barely commit to Saturday night plans, ya know? It sounds like you have a very smart guy and I think, given time, he’ll be right back to planning a proposal.

Hugs!!!

Post # 5
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Do you know if he has a ring already? I think there is truth in him saying that he is 90% there if he already has a ring, and then remaining 10% is just waiting for a romantic opportunity to ask you to make it more special for you.

Back when Fiance and I were dating, I got angry at him at one point because I thought he was just stalling the engagement with excuses (eg. waiting for the right time, etc). But then later I found out that he had a ring the entire time, without me knowing it, and actually WAS just waiting for the right time. So it justified his intent all along, and made me realize that all the times when I doubted him, he had always been planning to marry me but didn’t know how to make it a special moment for me, that was all.

Post # 6
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Obviously every one’s situation is different but I really enjoyed living on my own without my parents before making a home with someone else.

I definitely think taking care of yourself and spending time and energy making you happy is best right now.

Post # 7
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Loyalfox13:   If I were you I would listen closely and carefully to his words – that he is very close to wanting to propose to you but is hesitating because of all your arguing.  That is a valid concern.

That seems like a fairly simple solution to find.  Stop arguing with him.  Find a healthy, loving, mature and respectful way of communicating with the man you love.  He seems to be taking a mature approach to the entire subject, honestly. 

I would hesitate to marry someone who believes that “everyone argues” (Um – NO – they don’t) and brushed off my concerns as it seems you brushed off his concerns.  If the man is telling you he loves you, wants to marry you but has legitimate concerns about your communication issues with each other – listen to him and make the appropriate adjustments. 

Post # 8
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh honey I’m sorry ::hugs:: I was a waitingbee too, and It’s hard!

My then-bf had the ring for (wait for it) OVER A YEAR!! I then got a shirt for our anniversry and THEN a pretend/fakeout proposal before he finally poped the question.

 

When I asked him about it after, he said that it was a really scary time, Why? Becasue he knew I would rememeber it forever. He wanted it to be perfect, and didn’t want to let me down.

 

And before you say “My SO is not that romantic” Look up my old posts on here- Instead of the proposal I KNEW he was setting up, he gave me an 11 x 14 picture of us that I hated becasue I looked fat in it, so he “photoshopped my face and arms so I’d like it better”

So, don’t lose faith!!

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

First off welcome to the Hive!

I can completely relate to your situation. Why, you ask? Because I’m in the exact same one. Apparently every time my SO really starts to look at rings and such, we get into some kind of huge argument.

What I’ve learned is that while everyone argues, men are pretty terrified of making a mistake with getting engaged. Arguments make that even more clear to them. If you can, don’t pick fights.

You are doing the right thing. Keep yourself busy doing things that make you happy. The proposal will come when it is supposed to.

Keep your chin up!

Post # 12
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Loyalfox13:  Going by your original post, you said you were insulted by the fact that he put off proposing in October, which is your favorite time of year, because of the reason he gave you. 

It sounds like he really had planned to propose and his reason for not proposing, according to you, was because of all the arguing and/or disagreeing in your relationship. 

All I’m saying is take what he said into consideration.  I understand your being heartbroken about that, I really do, I know it hurts, anyone would be upset by that.

But if you feel there is more to it than what he told you, do you feel he’s just putting you off with excuses?

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Hey everyone. Maybe some of the girls on here can help me out. I am 26 years old almost done with college, finally! I will be graduating next August as a certified Welder and Fabricator. I guess not many woman can say they love to weld, lol. I am a mother to a son who will be 3 years old this Sunday. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now, and we just hit the two year mark. He is awesome. He cooks me dinner sometimes, takes out the trash, has done dishes for me, folded my laundry when I sometimes do not ask him to, and we do not live together now… But especially has taken care of my son, and has stepped up to be his sole role model as a dad. My sons father left when he was a year old, and has not seen my son since, and it will be two years in January. Its better that way, and my son is thriving wonderfully, since my sons biological father has a lot of personal and serious legal issues and now I am thankful for the man I have in my life currently.

I believe God gives you reasons as to why they happen, and I believe my son was given to me to meet this awesome guy. But anyways, to cut to my problem with being a MISS WAITING BEE, haha… After a year of me and my boyfriend dating, he knew he wanted to marry me. We want the same things in life, we like the same type of homes for sale, we hunt and fish together, so its important we keep the tad bit of hunting style in our future wedding plans, lol. He is the first man to ever be loyal and honest to me. He does what he tells me he is going to do. I have never been so lucky in my life, because the past 8 years, I havent been.

Over this past spring, he was going to propose to me at my parents fourth of july party, which by the way has a gathering of at least 100 people who are family and friends of my parents and my siblings. I told him I wanted to share it with everyone on that special day, and might I add the party is thrown at my parents cottage on a lake with a DJ πŸ™‚ So, I thought it would be perfect! And then that would save me the time and energy of answering everyones questions about the proposal and so on. Sharing my deepest memories and surprises is important to me with my family involved.

One problem… Before he could propose to me at the party in july, we broke up in april and I moved out with my son. (which by the way I had no idea he was going to propose until we got back together five months later at the end of august and he told me when we got back together that he was going to do it.) We jumped into things too fast in the beginning of our relationship, and we started to lose focus on what was important between us which led to a lot of nit picking and all the little things that can lead you down the drain. But now we are back together, and he has understood what it takes to leave the little things alone, (which I already understood in the first place and I was the dumper, lol.) We are doing much better, and taking things a lot slower, and not living together at the moment.

Over the past four months, since august, it seems like my boyfriend has been dropping hints. This is what I need help on. When we got back together he sent me a text saying “I have already been ready to marry you, and told you when and where I was going to do it” only because I told him where I wanted it to happen, but he never verbally spoiled the surprise if you get what I am saying. Another hint he gave to me was this “Well there goes your surprise this christmas 2012” all because he bought me a beautiful ruby heart promise ring LAST christmas and over the summer I sold it because I didnt know we would get back together and thought he was mad at me so I didnt want to keep it lying around my house and having the emotional heartache of looking at it.

He said I hurt his feelings selling the promise ring he bought me. The other hint was that he told me to “be patient” after I wrote him a four page letter reguarding how important the engagement was to me… The facial expression on his face when he told me to be patient was absolutely gleaming… I mean when he looked at me, its almost as if he had that little kid twinkle in his eye with a slight corner smile on his face! But the problem is, is right now he is trying to buy a house, but the bank turned his offer down and he is going to try and give them a higher offer this time to see if it will go through. The next hint he told me was “Just let me get this house and we can go from there after” He is also on a major budget right now and has one debt to pay off his credit card, other than that he is debt free. I have been extremely patient with him, despite bringing it up a few times.

The next hint he gave me back in august of this year when we got back together was “Maybe after these 6 to 8 months, we will see… Or once you finish up this semester” That was after I asked him about what the plan was. I do not know what is up his sleeve, but it seems as if he is trying to look for a house and get me a ring at the same time. He told me this week that “I think about starting things everyday” So, maybe my special fourth of july engagement may be coming next month due to his hint of “There goes your christmas surprise” who knows….. Maybe some of you ladies can help me out, we are both ready for it emotionally, and I forgot to add that he is 29 years old with a six day a week job working for the union. So, he is trying to get things going, but who knows is a matter of when! So maybe you guys can figure out his hints, lol… Thanks for the help.

-Lauren

Post # 16
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Loyalfox13:  Well, I sincerely hope he proposes fairly soon and that you come back with some very happy news for us and e-ring pics!  πŸ™‚  I wish you all the best, hang in there.

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