(Closed) I would like some honest opinions

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

@newbie87: I am mentally reviewing all my university comparative religion classes, trying to remember one whose theology encourages young men to take their beloved to a hotel room on valentine’s day while still refusing to take her to the altar. I’m coming up blank and my hypocrisy warning light is flashing. Methinks the guy is using religion as an excuse.

There IS life without marriage. He is 25 — how old are you? Old enough to begin the adventure of living, I’m guessing, but not yet old enough to have really gotten to know all the possibilities you have to choose from; one of which is the possibility that you need not wait around for a good guy when you have a perfectly good self.

Not everyone is called to singleness. But at least try it out and consider it before you settle for playing second fiddle to you boyfriend’s mother for the next few years. There is tremendous joy for me in coming home from work, shutting the door, and knowing that everything I see is mine, under my own control, and for the next few hours I don’t have to compromise with, or please anybody. I enjoy knowing that my labour earns my own living and savings, and that I can decide what to do with them. If I decide to take a risk by changing careers, no-one else’s security is put at risk. If I decide to travel no-one else is left lonely. When I entertain, I choose the guestlist without worrying about someone else’s best friend or someone else’s bowling schedule.

You need to try out this freedom in order to decide whether it is worth giving up or not. And, your boyfriend needs to see you maturing and enjoying life as an empowered free woman, so he can consider whether his dithering is putting a very good thing for him, at risk of being lost for ever. There is nothing so desirable to a man as a woman who is filled with joy in her own life — and nothing so irrelevant to a man as a sure thing that he doesn’t need to worry about.

Post # 4
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Religion is very personal and a deal breaker in my opinion!

I realize you are like best friends, which makes it very difficult but perhaps you guys could take a “break” and you can re-asses things!

It sounds like you are very unhappy with the situation and SO is not being attentive. It may be best to move on and not let the amount of years you have been together dictate what you truly deserve.

Post # 5
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@aspasia475: This was so beautifully written I read it twice. I’d like you to write a book, please! Cool

Post # 6
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I also agree that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is using religion as an excuse to drag his heels. My first instinct would be a final ultimatum and a time-frame…but I know those don”t often work and nobody wants to be  “forced” into marriage.

As hard as it is, I would take a break from this relationship. I’ve been in your shoes and it’s not fun at all.

Post # 8
Member
19 posts
Newbee

9 years is a very long time together and I wouldn’t just throw it all away without trying everything. You should sit down with him an have a serious discussion. Tell him how important getting engaged is to you and that you are willing to compromise with him: say that starting today you will do research about converting to his religion, if he will start looking/saving for an engagement ring. One person has to make a move before the other and it sounds like both of you are extremely stubborn (trust me, I am too!) You have to give a little before you can take, and if this is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with then who cares if you made the first move, it will show him how serious you are and make him re-evaluate his priorities.

Post # 9
Member
48 posts
Newbee

You want honest opinions, so here goes..

I understand that you have been together since you were 14, but honestly, there is a major difference being together from your early teens into your early 20s, than there is being together as adults.  I’m not trying to discount the length of your relationship, but from 14-18 you probably didn’t even know yourself.

Now that you’re older and more mature, it sounds like you know exactly what you want.  I give you a lot of credit and think it’s very smart to give yourself a “mental deadline” of when to walk away.  You are still VERY young.  I’m almost 30 and I know of many couples that married their first boyfriend or girlfriend…all of them are now divorced.  

I had to chuckle when I read your post because it was like I was reading my own experience 8 years go.  I wasn’t religious, my bf was.  I wanted to move on, he wanted to be a man-child.  I was independent, he was a mama’s boy (probably the worst offense of them all!).  I left him and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.  Date around.  Get to know other people, because it seems like you know yourself better than you did when you were 14.  The fact that your mind has even gone to the possibility of leaving means that you know exactly what you need to do.

Yes, it will suck because you’ve been together so long, but everything gets better with time.  It’ll hurt, but you’ll get through it.  Good luck with everything.  You deserve it.  

Post # 10
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I think you are letting him waste your time. He isn’t taking you seriously because you haven’t done anything when you issued other ultimatums – I doubt there is a ring in your future now. If I were you, I would start separating myself because he isn’t going to magically change- especially with a month to go before it is officially fall.

Post # 12
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@newbie87: Good for you. I read your post but I honestly did not know what advice to give you, having never been in a similar situation. I’m not even sure what I would do in your case.

I think it’s great that you are choosing yourself over him though. In a perfect world this will be a wake-up call for him. He will realize what he is about to lose, run to get the ring, and propose at the first opportunity. However guys can be stubborn :/

I am a believer that there is not just one person out there who can make you happy. You are fortunate to still be young and you SO deserve to experience singledom beofore you commit yourself to another long-term situation.

All the best to you with whatever happens, and please keep us posted!

Post # 13
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

People change, it sounds like he was willing and eager to talk about it awhile ago but he lost the zeal. I’m sorry to say this but you may want to seriuosly take a look at your relationship and think about your end goals and just how long you want to wait for him. Resentment happends when expectations aren’t met. They usually pass but if they haven’t than it really is time to move on. I know its hard and I will have to face the possibility of letting mine go Feburary if things don’t move on, but you want something more and he’s dragging his feet at the pace of a 3 year old. Religion is important but its an excuse more than a real reason. 

I’m sending you strength  and courage to do the right thing, only you know what that is but I want you to be happy! You deserve it!

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