Post # 1
I broke up with my partner of just over 2 years in early January (long story short…I felt he had committment issues and that our personalities were too different). Anyway, I’ve moved on. I’ve been with my new partner for nearly 5 months (we started dating very soon after I split with my ex) and we’re very happy together. I feel so lucky to have met him, and he really is a wonderful partner.
To be clear, I have absolutely no desire to try and re-ignite anything between my ex, nor do I have any romantic feelings for him left. However, when we broke up, we agreed to stay friends. He said he needed some time and space to get over the break-up first, but that he would then contact me when he was ready to meet up and be friendly again. During this time, we have had SOME contact (returning goods to each other – leaving them on the doorstep, though – not actually giving them to each other face to face!!!!), a few emails (confirming goods had arrived etc) and he gave me a small box of chocolates on my birthday (no note or anything, just a little token. I thanked him for it via email, but he didn’t reply). He last emailed me about a month ago, saying that he was still hurt and that he needed time to move on….but still I have heard nothing!!! I understand that he was hurt and upset by the break-up (and I appreciate that he was brave enough to admit this for me) and further upset/hurt by the fact I moved on so quickly (a factor that has DEFINITELY prolonged his hurt and refusal to be on friendly terms with me as yet).
So, for over a MONTH I have heard ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And we’ve been broken up for FIVE MONTHS now!!! I really would like to see him again and get on friendly terms so that we both get some real closure on this. Should I contact him? What should I say? How would you deal with this situation?
Post # 3
@victoria1990: I would move on and leave it at that. It seems like all goods have been returned and you are both moving on with your lives. I don’t see why you would need to see him, especially if you have “moved on” like you claimed with a new relationship.
Breakups rarely result in “friendly” terms afterward or becoming friends. I would suggest leaving things as they are and not contacting him.
Post # 4
Leave him alone! If he wants to contact you he will. Nothing good will come of it if you contact him.
Post # 5
@victoria1990: Move on. No good can come of staying “just friends”.
I think your ex is doing exactly the right thing by not seeing you. He is hurt, and seeing you again will just bring the hurt back. I don’t see what there is to gain from contacting him. Leave him alone.
Post # 6
I would leave him be.
When my relationship for 5 years ended, the break-up itself was not pleasant. My ex had a terrible temper, and threatened to call the cops on me for suggesting that I take OUR bunny rabbit which he had bought for me as a gift. Can you imagine the phone call – police, help! My girlfriend is stealing a fluffy wabbit!
Anyway, once he calmed down he told me that he still wanted to be friends. He said that I was his best friend, and after spending 5 years together he did not want to lose me. I told him that I needed time to get over everything and once I’d settled in and come to grips with it all we could catch up. For a long time he would just message me on MSN every so often for a chat to see how I was going, and would ask if I was ready to catch up.
One day though, I just realised I plain didn’t want to. It took me very little time to get over the break up itself, and I moved on very quickly. I just realised that I just didn’t want to be friends with him at all. We had been partners for so long that it would just be awkward to catch up as friends. I had no desire to be friends, I just wanted to move on with life and leave that chapter behind me.
So after being together for 5 years, I saw him only once more after the break up to collect my things. It’s now been 5 years since then, and I do not regret my decision one bit.
Just offering a point of view from the other side of the fence.
If you’ve moved on and are happy, what do you hope to achieve? If he hasn’t contacted you, he’s obviously not ready yet, and if you do get in touch it might set him back in his moving on. I think be considerate of what he needs, and give him time and space. He might eventually contact you if and when he feels ready, but if not I think you should just let go…
Post # 7
“long story short…I felt he had committment issues and that our personalities were too different”… If you couldn’t be with him why would you want to be friends? These characteristics just don’t go away. He obviously is still non-committal and can’t commit to being your friend. in say keep the past in the past and keep him a distant memory.
Post # 8
@victoria1990: You broke up with him and now he’s trying to move on with his life, as should you. Being friends with your ex is only going to prolong the process. I also think attempting to maintain a friendship with your ex is pretty disrespectful to your current boyfriend, especially considering your ex still has feelings for you. How would you feel if your boyfriend wanted to stay close with his ex-girlfriend who still harbors feelings for him? It’s time to let go, move on, and focus on your new relationship.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t contact him. If he’s still hurting the best thing he can do is cut you out of his life. Maybe one day he’ll be ready to be friends…maybe not. Either way, it’s best to move on and not contact him again.
Post # 10
I agree with everything here. Saying you’ll stay friends is like a warm blanket of hope used to soften the blow of a break up. It never usually happens like that. Just let him go. It’s better that way. And what does your current BF think about you wanting to reconnect with your ex so badly? I know my FI would feel disrespected if I ever got back in touch with my ex, even if just on friendly terms.
Post # 12
@victoria1990: um, you need to be patient. It’s only been 5 months and you’re already in a serious relationship. That would really hurt anyone, especially if they were the dumpee. I think it would be selfish to push for connection right now. He obviously needs time. I’ve been the dumper many times who wanted to be friends, but damn girl, you have to accept that he may never want to be friends. That’s the risk you take when you break up with someone.
Post # 13
@victoria1990: My fiance was in a long term relationship before me (7 years). He ended it 2 months before their sham wedding was to take place (I say sham because she was too insane to plan a wedding and they were secretly elopping in Vegas) and she tried to keep in contact. She would stop by their old apartment (he had asked her to move out) with small gifts – one time she showed up with a down comforter because she thought he “might be cold”. Eventually he told her she needed to stop, she wasn’t welcome in his life anymore. I shortly came into his life after that. She didn’t take it well and would periodically text/email him – he never responded. I became somewhat uneasy and we talked it out, I said bluntly “it’s 100% me, or it’s not me at all” and he actually broke down saying he would move and change his number if he had to.
Why am I telling you this? Because I was the new partner coming into an old relationship. I hated her (still do). In my eyes, she’s a horrible, evil bitch who needs to go away. I am proud of my fella for telling her to go away and even more proud that he has never contacted her. Be aware of what your partner might be taking from this situation. It’s not all about what you’d like and sometimes in order to keep the peace in your current relationship, you need to let your old relationship die completely.
Post # 14
As the title of Greg Behrendt’s book says… It is called a break up cause it is broken!
You chose to do it… So now you need to move on
You are with someone else so it seems strange to me that you are so eager to see / reestablish things with your ex (not caring…Actually reads all about you and your needs… )
You need to leave the poor guy alone… Forget about him
He told you he’d contact you when he wanted more
Realize that may NEVER happen…
That is life and what happens when you break up
People move on in different ways
Post # 15
@victoria1990: What? I don’t get why you’re obsessing about this. Or why you’re pushing seeing him or demanding a friendship when you know he’s hurt and not ready or maybe even interested. You broke up – that’s closure.
Honestly, I think it is extremely rare for two people to be able to go from a serious relationship to “just friends” successfully or genuinely. Usually one or both parties still have some feelings or attraction and that’s not frienship. Usually, there’s a reason they’re holding on.
If I were dating someone jonesing this hard to see and be involved in the life of an ex – I’d be seriously questioning if they had truly moved on and what that was about.
I say drop it and move on. You don’t need to be friends with your exes.
Post # 16
@victoria1990: The only reason I can see for wanting to be friends with an ex who you, admittedly, don’t have much in common with is because you feel guilty about moving on so quickly. Don’t. You knew what you wanted. You found the right person. Leave your ex alone. Let him heal and find what he wants and what will make him happy.