Post # 1
I’m hoping someone out there has a clue of how to help me.
So I was married nearly 9 months ago, and it was an amazing day! The problem that I’ve been having is with our surnames. We’ve beendiscussing this since before we got engaged. I really hate the idea of giving up my last name. It’s a failry unusual one where we live and I’m well known by it. People who hear it can link me immediately with my parents or grandparents and I love that! It’s what I’m known by at work across a wide area and everyone from my past grew up with me and my own name. I feel like it’s really part of who I am.
My lovely husband on the other hand cannot stand the fact that I do not want to take his name, he doean’t even like the idea of hyphenating. He thinks that since we are married, it is tradition for me to have his name only and that is what I should do. I don’t really have an issue with hyphenating but if I did that I would like him to do it do so we share the same surname, especially for kids in the future. He has said he could never change his surname because it’s who he is (he’s says he knows this is a bad arguement as I’ve used the same one) and it’s his family name.
I’ve also recently found out that he hasn’t told ANYONE at all on his side of the family (friends included) that I am still going by my own name, so they all think I’ve been the dutiful wifey and automaticall taken his name.
Has anyone got suggestions or been/going through something similar? From the many posts I’ve read online, most women don’t seem to have a husband who has an issue with her keeping her last name if she wants. It’s been going on for so long now and I would love more than anything to come to an agreement.
Hope I haven’t rambled too much, any help would be great
Post # 3
@bootyful_claire: My 2 cents: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to keep your own name, but I do appreciate a man’s desire to have you take his name. I can’t imagine why you can’t hyphenate names, and he’ll just have to accept that commpromise. I don’t think many men, regardless of how evolved they are, will change to a hyphenated name. I suggested it to my Darling Husband (we were married last July) and as non-traditional as he is, he couldn’t get his head around it. We won’t have children together (I’m 54) so this isn’t an issue.It isn’t a big issue for me.
Your children will grow up in a world with a variety of names around them. Your children’s school directory will have an appendix to cross-reference last names.
I was married before and couldn’t wait to ditch my former married name which I’d kept upon divorce to minimize changes for my children. I took my husband’s name last year (asap!).
Post # 4
I can’t help but wonder why this issue was never raised prior to the Wedding – but in any case, have you tried to explain it from a different angle?
I’m a lawyer, and I’m fairly well experienced in putting forth a convincing arguement – a skill which I often use in my own relationship 🙂
How about you approach it somehting like this –
“Honey, how would you feel if you were required to chage your surname?”
-probably not very happy about it
“Well, that’s how I am being made to feel.
“How would you feel about being pressured & guilted into something you didn’t feel comfortable with? Why are you doing this to me then?
I find men can often see things clearer, once they have been forced imagine the situation if it was them on the receiving end. ie. Apply the situation in reverse etc
Even if he can’t get his head around it completely, hopefully if you deliver your point of view in a different light – he may be more willing to compromise.
Best of luck
Post # 5
@cantwait412 we had talked about it before the wedding but he’s now said that he always though I would change my mind.
And all of your arguments – I’ve tried every single one and more again! He’s told me that he knows he is being unfair and that he doesn’t have a valid point, because every reason he gives me, I can argue my point of view for that. He’s told me that he knows he’s not exactly in the right but its what he wants.
If I’ve made my decision how do I get this across to him and to others? I feel like he should have let his side know by now that I’ve kept my own name. We got invited to his best friends wedding last week and I had his surname in it because he hasn’t told anyone!